[Sparkologist]

You know what it's like, folks, when you're in the lusher, listening to others talking boll...s, just before the space aliens abduct 'em...

Here are some translations for the alcohol induced drivel that we more than occasionally come out with.


Bar Translations: What they really mean...

• "No, really, I'm OK to drive." -- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

• "I'm not used to these darts." -- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

• "Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap.

• "You get this one. The next round is on me." -- We won't be here long enough to get another round.

• "I'll get this one. The next one is on you." -- Happy hour is about to end.... now beers are half price, but by the next round they'll be £3 a pop.

• "I haven't seen you around here for a long time." -- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

• "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

• "Let's get out of here." -- I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

• "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -- I'm easy.

• "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -- I'm gay.

• "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

• "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

• "I don't feel well. Let's go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

• "I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- I'm horny.

• "I've had like 10 beers already." -- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

• "Who's got the next round?" -- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

• "Excuse me." (male to male) -- Get the f*** out of the way.

• "Excuse me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now.

• "Excuse me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the f... out of the way.

• "Excuse Me." (female to female). -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho'...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

• "I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." -- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 quid and have been avoiding him since football season.

• "What do you have on tap?" -- What's cheap?

• "You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." -- I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

• "That person looks really familiar." -- Did I sleep with him/her?

• "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

• "Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

• "Do you have any Wild Turkey?" -- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

• "I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 16

• "I don't have my ID on me." (male) -- I don't have a licence since I got pulled over and blew a .32 after my last visit here.