It was me who first footed in our house. I went out for a fag after I'd watched Myleene Klass play Auld Lang Syne on the piano on television.
I'm not a man and I wasn't carrying coal but I do have dark hair.

__________________
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs, cackling and telling me
'You'll be next.' They stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.