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Sparkologist · 10-05-2004, 20:37

This is a copy of an e-mail sent to Workmates, Curly, at Xinxiang in the cold north of China, whilst we were sunning ourselves down south, in Dongguan. Curly had a good idea of what to expect because he has worked in China many times.

It is almost verbatim, just the names have been adjusted to protect the innocent? and a dead funny but very politically incorrect comment has been removed, so as not to offend some of the more unfortunate members of our society...

Title:Whoops. Oh dear!

Ne hao Curly & Co.

As you may have guessed from the title, we have had a little problem out here. Luckily, it didn’t occur at the factory. Unluckily, it might have cost one of the locals his livelihood. Father, forgive us, for we have sinned. Yep, it’s confessional time.

It goes something like this. On the way home from work, on Saturday evening, we got the Ne Hao Bus, (that’s another story), to drop us at Whoa-Mah, that's Wal-Mart yo you. This meant that we were left to our own devices regarding the journey to New World Gardens. On exiting the store, Wingy suggested getting 3 motorbike taxis. TUK-TUK, screamed Roy, in reply, as he legged it after the driver, to make sure no-one else beat us to it. Our bargaining / haggling technique needs brushing up, because we could only get him down to 15 bananas, which is about 3 ‘nanas over the odds. A look of abject terror spread across his mush when he realised that all 3 of us were fighting like the Three Stooges to shoehorn ourselves onto the bench seat under the canvas lid, not neglecting the fact that non of the Stooges were ever as fat as Roy! (Sorry, Royski. Hehehe.)

It was like a scene from a Jimmy Bond film, as we accelerated? more like chugged our way across the pavement. Bodies were diving out of the way in all directions. Probably they were falling over and dying laughing! We made mighty damn fine sure we got our ‘nanas worth of a journey coz he didn’t know that he would be lugging over 40 stone of finest English brawn up the road. It was not possible to benchmark a 0-60 time, and even 1st to 2nd gear took a calendar month. We were partaking in the Wacky Races, once again. This time, we were riding shotgun on the Arkansas Chuggaboom. How many near misses and potential prangs we caused, as a result off double takes, we can only guess at.

If it moved, and was within earshot, it received a raucous ‘Ne Hao’! If we thought it was out of earshot, we just pumped up the volume, and gave it NE HAO! It was a good crack reaching out and tapping the bike riders on their tin-lids when they pulled alongside, at a junction, and offering to race them to the next set of lights. Turning was a dodgy affair. We soon adopted a motorcycle sidecar, ‘lean into the bend’, system to totter round corners in comparative safety. The man at the helm just kept looking round and laughing at us, thinking we were having a wail of a time, not wrong there fella.

Not why, but, how did the chicken cross the road? Answer, a damn sight faster than we did! Imagine the crossroads outside the Regal Hotel, in Nanchang. Imagine it again, but BIGGER. Four lanes on each carriageway, intersecting, with us stuck in the middle coz Sirry Pirrock up front thought it would be fun to run a red light, Holy Samosas! It was like being stuck on the starting grid at a motorbike GP, but facing the wrong direction. The cheeks of my ars* were gripping the back of my kecks, that’s for sure. During the age that it took to cross the junction, I had converted to Christianity, repented my sins and said the Lord’s Prayer.Twice! At this point, the Lord intervened, and punished Sirry Pirrock for putting our necks on the block. The Arkansas Chuggaboom started to chug more, and boom less, then it developed a death rattle. We were stuck in lane 3 with traffic tearing us up from both sides, and as it pulled like a slug to reach the kerbside, the death rattle began to sound like a ....... ...... . .... .. . .......!

We began to feel slightly guilty that we had maybe seen off his engine, then we realised that he had already had us sideways over a barrel with his extortionate rate of 15 ‘nanas. Being the kind and generous souls that we are, we each coughed up 10 ‘nanas, which somehow ended up as 26 ‘nanas. As we made our way home, pied a terre, we looked back to see Sirry Pirrock limping his tuk-tuk back to town, listening to it cough and splutter like Tommy when he had run out of fags.

Laugh? I nearly wee’d my knicks! It’s sh**, is China! I hope you're enjoying it as much as we are...Sparky.

10-05-2004, 20:37	#43
Sparkologist I am Band Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Overlooking 22 yards Posts: 1,321 Liked: 3 times Rep Power: 57	Re: Come on lettie This is a copy of an e-mail sent to Workmates, Curly, at Xinxiang in the cold north of China, whilst we were sunning ourselves down south, in Dongguan. Curly had a good idea of what to expect because he has worked in China many times. It is almost verbatim, just the names have been adjusted to protect the innocent? and a dead funny but very politically incorrect comment has been removed, so as not to offend some of the more unfortunate members of our society... Title:Whoops. Oh dear! Ne hao Curly & Co. As you may have guessed from the title, we have had a little problem out here. Luckily, it didn’t occur at the factory. Unluckily, it might have cost one of the locals his livelihood. Father, forgive us, for we have sinned. Yep, it’s confessional time. It goes something like this. On the way home from work, on Saturday evening, we got the Ne Hao Bus, (that’s another story), to drop us at Whoa-Mah, that's Wal-Mart yo you. This meant that we were left to our own devices regarding the journey to New World Gardens. On exiting the store, Wingy suggested getting 3 motorbike taxis. TUK-TUK, screamed Roy, in reply, as he legged it after the driver, to make sure no-one else beat us to it. Our bargaining / haggling technique needs brushing up, because we could only get him down to 15 bananas, which is about 3 ‘nanas over the odds. A look of abject terror spread across his mush when he realised that all 3 of us were fighting like the Three Stooges to shoehorn ourselves onto the bench seat under the canvas lid, not neglecting the fact that non of the Stooges were ever as fat as Roy! (Sorry, Royski. Hehehe.) It was like a scene from a Jimmy Bond film, as we accelerated? more like chugged our way across the pavement. Bodies were diving out of the way in all directions. Probably they were falling over and dying laughing! We made mighty damn fine sure we got our ‘nanas worth of a journey coz he didn’t know that he would be lugging over 40 stone of finest English brawn up the road. It was not possible to benchmark a 0-60 time, and even 1st to 2nd gear took a calendar month. We were partaking in the Wacky Races, once again. This time, we were riding shotgun on the Arkansas Chuggaboom. How many near misses and potential prangs we caused, as a result off double takes, we can only guess at. If it moved, and was within earshot, it received a raucous ‘Ne Hao’! If we thought it was out of earshot, we just pumped up the volume, and gave it NE HAO! It was a good crack reaching out and tapping the bike riders on their tin-lids when they pulled alongside, at a junction, and offering to race them to the next set of lights. Turning was a dodgy affair. We soon adopted a motorcycle sidecar, ‘lean into the bend’, system to totter round corners in comparative safety. The man at the helm just kept looking round and laughing at us, thinking we were having a wail of a time, not wrong there fella. Not why, but, how did the chicken cross the road? Answer, a damn sight faster than we did! Imagine the crossroads outside the Regal Hotel, in Nanchang. Imagine it again, but BIGGER. Four lanes on each carriageway, intersecting, with us stuck in the middle coz Sirry Pirrock up front thought it would be fun to run a red light, Holy Samosas! It was like being stuck on the starting grid at a motorbike GP, but facing the wrong direction. The cheeks of my ars* were gripping the back of my kecks, that’s for sure. During the age that it took to cross the junction, I had converted to Christianity, repented my sins and said the Lord’s Prayer.Twice! At this point, the Lord intervened, and punished Sirry Pirrock for putting our necks on the block. The Arkansas Chuggaboom started to chug more, and boom less, then it developed a death rattle. We were stuck in lane 3 with traffic tearing us up from both sides, and as it pulled like a slug to reach the kerbside, the death rattle began to sound like a ....... ...... . .... .. . .......! We began to feel slightly guilty that we had maybe seen off his engine, then we realised that he had already had us sideways over a barrel with his extortionate rate of 15 ‘nanas. Being the kind and generous souls that we are, we each coughed up 10 ‘nanas, which somehow ended up as 26 ‘nanas. As we made our way home, pied a terre, we looked back to see Sirry Pirrock limping his tuk-tuk back to town, listening to it cough and splutter like Tommy when he had run out of fags. Laugh? I nearly wee’d my knicks! It’s sh**, is China! I hope you're enjoying it as much as we are...Sparky. __________________ Connect it: Red > Yellow, Yellow > Blue, & Blew to ....'kin bits! Any ramblings, meanderings, thoughts or musings are mine and mine alone. Any opinions expressed are Lettie's!