What was it the editor of The Daily Mirror said, as he cleared his desk, publish and be damned?
Try this for size.
I have sanitised it as far as it can go without ruining its content. XXXXX doesn't reckon I'll get away with posting it, (it's a shame really coz it took me ages to type it up so it reads well), then dared me in a roundabout sort of way.
This isn't off any website, it's been running round in my head for the last fourteen years. I just remember the punchline and embellished the rest.
Two lads, Ady and Danny, were in their local, on a fruitless mission to chat up the barmaid. The crack and banter was flowing thick and fast, when in walked a lecturer from the local college.
"That's Joe, he's a wood technician," said Tricia, the barmaid. Upon hearing this statement, Ady and Danny start cracking jokes about porn stars and boners and things of that ilk. "No, seriously lads, he's a wood technician. Joe knows every type of wood there is. In fact he claims to be able to tell where a piece of wood has come from, just by smelling it."
Ady and Danny decided to have some fun and put Joe to the test. Ady went out to his car and brought back a cricket bat. "Right Joe, close your eyes and tell me where this piece of wood came from," said Ady as he held the bat under Joe's nose.
Joe sniffed at the lump of wood before him, and delivered his verdict. "I can smell freshly cut grass. There is a hint of leather on the wood, and I detect the smell of willow sap. I believe it's a cricket bat." At which point he opened his eyes to reveal Ady's cricket bat before him.
"I told you he was good, didn't I, lads," said Tricia the barmaid.
Danny, not to be outdone went out to his car and brought back a set of crown green bowls that belonged to his uncle. Again Joe was asked to close his eyes and tell his inquisitors where the wood came from that was placed before him. "This one is not so easy," he replied. "Once again, I can smell freshly cut grass, also there is a faint aroma of tropical rain forest. It is definately a tropical hardwood." Joe thought about it some more before saying, "All the evidence points to the wood being from an outdoor bowling ball. That's what it is, it's a crown green bowling ball."
The barmaid said, "He's better than you thought, isn't he, boys?" At which Ady and Danny could only nod in agreement.
After a moments colusion, Ady and Danny took Tricia to one side and whispered something in her ear. Tricia took a pencil from on top of the till and disappeared with it to the ladies toilets. She dropped her panties and proceeded to push the pencil up her pu$$y, then she twizzled it around and jiggled it up and down, just for good measure. When Tricia returned from the ladies, she gave Ady and Danny a sly wink to let them know the deed was done. "OK Joe, close your eyes again and let's see how good you really are," said Tricia, as she held the pencil under the wood technician's nose. "Tell us where this piece of wood came from."
Joe was confused straight away. There were so many conflicting smells. Try as he might, the wood technician just couldn't get a fix on the smells and scent of the wood placed before him. He racked his brain to recall where the strange odours came from. "There is a powerful and overbearing smell of stale fish before me, coupled with that there is a foul stench of dried spunk stains. A most unusual combination of smells. I think my memory and olfactory sense is playing tricks on me, for I have never come across this cocktail of odours before," he said.
Slowly, a grin started to break out on his face. "Yes, I do believe I've got it," said Joe as he turned in the direction of Ady and Danny.
"Well, come on then. Please do tell us," said Ady, barely able to stiffle his laughter.
"It's the combination of stale fish and spunk stains on the wood that gave the game away," said Joe. "It's off the back of a Grimsby trawler's bog door!"
My legal/moral support team reckon i can get away with posting this stripped down version. If i'm going down, they're coming with me!
