Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands (and cheeks) together for ----
THE FART CHART
What type of farter are you??
VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart
AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
LAZY : Just fizzles
AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
IRREVERENT : Farts in church
SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts for later sniffing
STINGY : Belches to save his a*se hole
TIMID : Jumps when he farts
CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but sh*ts himself
FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
CONFUSED : Face is so much like an a*se, fart can't tell which way to go
GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
DUMB : Enjoys others' farts, thinks they are his own
CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
WISE GUY : Farts and asks who sh*t
DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head
MUSICAL : Tenor or bass, clear as a bell, smells like sh*t and sounds like hell
ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times
SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
IMPUDENT : Farts out loud and then laughs
ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution
HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
INTELLECTUAL : Analyzes the smell of his neighbors' fart
WIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
A Guide to the Identification and Classification of British Farts
Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers..
Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent organism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.
Carpet Creepers: Heavier-than-air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having already left the room.
Fizzlers: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often surprisingly effective on bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted sureptitious contributions, usually signified by the artist's telltale "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they possess satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.
Poohs: Open-sphincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unacknowledged.
SBDs (Silent But Deadly): Consistant with the Law of the Conservation of Energy, what a SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about susupiciously.
Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variation; most pleasurably exchanged among roommates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureacrat.
Squeegies: Small, immature and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.
Wet Ones (aka Brewers' Farts, grains and all, Fudgies, Playing Misty): Samples are accompanied by gutteral, rasping or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then usually departs, walking funny.
