Accrington Web - Joke Of The Day

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Re: Joke Of The Day

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

Re: Joke Of The Day

What has Sam Allardyce and Ashley Peacock got in common ?

Neither will be going to the Rovers Christmas do .

Re: Joke Of The Day

Not really jokes as such but clearing some of the rubbish from the PC, I came across these, they may make you grin too !

Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:

Originally Posted by Retlaw (Post 867021)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army
for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels because everyone is high and can't be bothered.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

hahaha, did you sit there and think then write it all down??retlaw?

Re: Joke Of The Day

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany (Post 870112)

Not really jokes as such but clearing some of the rubbish from the PC, I came across these, they may make you grin too !

4 very good ones, the beer and make up made me chuckle like hell and the hazardous outlay is a cracker :-)

Re: Joke Of The Day

A nursery school pupil told his teacher
He'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?"
She asked her pupil.
"Because I pi**ed in its ear and it didn't move,"
Answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went "Pssst" and it didn't move"

Re: Joke Of The Day

You only need two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.

Re: Joke Of The Day

The girls grammar school invited a polish world war 2 fighter pilot, wing commander Dabrowski to give a talk on his exploits during the battle of Britain and is introduced to the girls by the headmistress. Good morning assembly we are privileged to have wing commander Dabrowski to address use today. Thank you headmistress I am going to talk about a normal day back there during the Battle of Britain, we were on reconnaissance over the south coast when we spotted a bunch of Fockers at 1 o'clock, so following orders not to engage we banked to or left (the girls are tittering) only to run into another bunch of fockers (girls were rolling about laughing) the headmistress stands up and explains, what the wing commander is on about girls is the Focke Wulf was a German plane used in the war. The wing commander replies your quite right headmistress about the Focke Wulf the only thing is these fockers were Messerschmitts:D:D:D

Re: Joke Of The Day

Just incase you find yourself stranded in Essex:-

How to speak Essex!

This is an invaluable guide......for those of you that are planning to venture into darkest depths of Essex .

A task not for the faint-hearted

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more
likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff")

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London , the big smoke

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbatsis me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

Re: Joke Of The Day

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Re: Joke Of The Day

A man went to Harley Street in London having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is £65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Manchester "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

"No Sir ” she answered, “ that's where the end of the queue is..."

Re: Joke Of The Day

A man went into a library and said to the assistant:

"I want the recently published book about small penises, but I can't remember its name!"

The librarian replied "I don't think it's in, yet!"

The man replied "That's it!"

Re: Joke Of The Day

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
The structure of the wall was incorrect,
So Humpty got 10 grand off Claims Direct!

Re: Joke Of The Day

lol.. blame claim culture

Re: Joke Of The Day

Written by Justin lol