Am i jealous?

[LancYorkYankee]

This has to be a hard situation for you MK. To see your friends not just being hurt, but know, without help, they'll end up maybe even worse.

I really wonder what makes people do this sort of thing. I guess they must of gotten away with it over and over so don't see much need to change.

Cheers to those of you who have overcome this and are able to give others good advice and guidance. In my own life, I thankfully can't think of anybody I've known who's going through this!

Brian

[grego]

I think the advice you have been given by Mel and Lettie is good sound advice, dont get involved but be there when they need you.

[Billcat]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbelle

Cheers Mel we've had the conversation before, you may not agree with my view point but you know were I'm coming from




Exactly, we bring our lads up telling then "YOU DO NOT HIT GIRLS" so what do we tell them when the girls instigate the violence?

You tell them that two wrongs do not make a right and that getting into a cycle of violence is about as stupid as it gets. Self defense is permissable when, regardless of which sex starts the violence, but only to the point where you are protecting yourself. Then get the heck away from the person who started it.

[Billcat]

Lettie and Accymel make some very good points. Be a good friend, and let them know that there are ways to get help.

I'll ask Lettie and Accymel, as they have the real-llife experience. I'm sure that a lot of the victims don't tell their families. If I had a friend in such a situation, I don't know if I would tell their family, but I sure would encourage them to do so. It's amazing how helpful relatives, especially parent and siblings, can be when there is a real need.

My best friend's sister-in-law, a very lovely lady, had an estranged husband who would come by and beat her (she had separated for that very reason). We never committed violence in return, but her father, my friend, myself and a few others made sure the fellow knew in no uncertain terms that we would call the law and take all steps necessary to protect her if the behavior did not cease immediately. Fortunately, he was not inclined to test our resolve.

[accymel]

True point billcat, many victims dont tell anyone, usually hide bruises, cuts, burns, rape, they dont tell a soul, mind u some violent partners got wise & hit or hurt areas that wasn't on view either like avoiding the face. Nobody knew i was suffering it for years definately not family not even my best mates - not even the one best mate i come to depend on later for survival!! If i did come a cropper with many a black eye it was blamed on an accident or cupboard doors with me [really funny thing was when in refuge & safe for ONCE i actually did open the cupboard too fast & caught my face - i pmsl cos for once it was actually genuine & became a standing joke in refuge with me humour accepted].

It is a very silent hidden secret thing as scared for my life & also not being believed was a huge factor [my x was very charming & very convincing - even one look from him would signal fear if i was in trouble by him so would know when i would be in for it], it wasn't till i actually left the house never to go back was when i banged on my best mates door & let it all out in a humiliated blurt & sob.

Keeping free from them is the next stage - where its blumming hard, draining & need serious wits to keep safe from harm, many victims like myself have been harmed just as much after they have left that relationship, i was assaulted, harrassed, stalked & verbally assaulted as well as criminal damage all to create more fear from then - so in their sicko mind u cant live alone & coming back to them would be easier they hope! It takes amazing strength, so can understand to a point that many do struggle & end up back.

Me, Lettie & many others are a symbol of hope & proof that u can break free & live much better free from it. I hear many stories, see many people [u can spot them] & have friends or aquaintances that are stuck in that horrible environment whom just either can see it because of the stronghold, false beleifs, & hasn't the strength to leave!! It takes me back i must admit but also re inforces that im so glad not to live like that again, but also sad that some people do put up with it when they dont need to, as there is help out there but u do have to admit & want help 1st, & thats the hard initial step for many.

[Tinkerbelle]

Originally Posted by Billcat

You tell them that two wrongs do not make a right and that getting into a cycle of violence is about as stupid as it gets. Self defense is permissable when, regardless of which sex starts the violence, but only to the point where you are protecting yourself. Then get the heck away from the person who started it.

Thankyou Billcat, excellent words of wisdom as always

[flashy]

right i know men shouldnt hit women...its awful, but when women hit men and even sometimes kill them nothing is ever said about it,my brother-in-laws brother was murdered by his wife, she stabbed him,he had been in a violent relationship with her for many years, they had 3 kids, he stayed with her to try and do the decent thing by his kids...it annoys me that nothing is ever said when its the opposite way

[lettie]

Originally Posted by flashytart

it annoys me that nothing is ever said when its the opposite way

I have to agree Flashy. I think that the reason that women don't seem to be punished as much is that men don't tend to report the violence. From a woman's point of view, I only told one friend what was happening. She was the person who helped me to escape, my boyfriend had threatened to seriously harm members of my family if I ever left him. I had 2 younger sisters and my mum living back home. It was my friend who helped me to see what a coward he was and that no harm would come to my family if I left. My friend had photos of my injuries and kept them in case they would ever be needed.

There are loads of groups out there now who specifically help women, they would help men too, but most men don't confide in them. These groups only exist because the women who have been through this, got off their arses and decided to help other women. I do think it stinks that women seem to get the lesser punishment when they are the violent one, but it is high time that men got off their bums and raised their voices in order to help themselves. It is only the fact that women have been vocal about domestic violence and have fought for justice that we now have this inequality..

[katex]

Must be hard for men who suffer physical abuse .. not the macho image to report. Hope in the future they will now be encouraged to do so, and will not finish up as per Flashy's close experience of the brother-in-law's brother .. how very sad.

Luckily, my daughter was strong enough to get out of her marriage to a complete 'nutter' after a few months of marriage ... think kicking her downstairs and breaking her jaw when she was eight months pregnant did the trick. These men always appear to be so amenable to the outside world, and lots of her friends wouldn't believe the abuse she suffered initially.

A large percentage I think is based on some sort of mental illness, as experiences I have been involved in have had similar 'symptoms'. Walter Mitty character, lots of lies upon lies that build up their kudos. Fanatical jealousy, accusing the wife of having it off, for example, with the washer repair man, not wanting them to wear too much make up or allowing them to go out with friends, criticising jobs done in the house and meals prepared. Absolute control freaks. This sound familiar ?

[WillowTheWhisp]

That sounds like a member of my family too Katex. She would not admit what he was doing to her, even after he'd thrown her down stairs but finally she faced up to it and with family support was able to stand up to him and walk away.

He still pretends that none of it ever happened and that they just agreed to differ and go their separate ways.