Banning smacking in public places - Page 7

Billcat · 13-04-2007, 15:18

Quote:

Originally Posted by CASPER

I don't understand how it helps to smack a toddler who is having a tantrum. As an ex childminder and mother of two I have had to deal with many a tantruming toddler and NEVER had to resort to violence.

From what I have seen, smacking a child who is having a tantrum is counterproductive. The response metely escalates the tantrum to a whole new level. The most effective response to a tantrum is to simply endure it stoically and allow it to blow out to sea. If the tantrum occurs in public, the response usually is to stop everything and go home. Once the child finds the tactic ineffective, the behavior eventually ceases. It takes a lot of patience and forebearance torespond in this way, but it works.

I've even used this tactic with a couple of screamers in higher management. fortunately, I don't encounter many of them, but if someone screams at me, I just tell them that we will discuss the matter later and calmly (at least, on the surface) walk away. I let them know that I am quite willing to discuss their requests (reasonably), but not in that way. I may put my job at risk, but not my self-respect. It's amazing how it alters the relationship. And - while I've been threatened with dismissal, I've never been sacked!

Billcat · 13-04-2007, 15:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by katex

Can work, ya' know .. children really don't like to throw a tantrum and wish to get out of the situation so if you can make them laugh during their drama this can bring them round. Another way is just to walk away non-plussed as if they don't belong to you, and once they realise not grabbing your attention, will soon calm down. Course have to listen to their screams from 3 aisles away, but worth it in the end.

Well said, Katex. Tantrums are just one of many attempts at manipulation. Once the child finds it totally ineffective or personally embarassing, the behavior ceases. But God help the parent who caves in! They will be hearing bigger and better tantrums forever.

One mother had a rather fun response. She would say, "Oh, poor Jimmy. You are so tired," and calmly and lovingly stop whatever was happening to put Jimmy down for a nap. She gave the same response to all tantrums, including the ones that changed to "But I don't wanna nap!" Needless to say, Jimmy's tantrum-throwing days were quickly and peacefully ended!

grannyclaret · 13-04-2007, 16:41

[quote=Billcat;410605I'm against slapping, spanking, etc. There are better ways to discipline, if you care enough about your kids to take the trouble. And the line between spanking and child abuse is anything but well-defined. Frankly, I'd never want a child fearing me.[/quote]
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But thats just it . if you only smack your child when it realy exceeds the boundries,,,AND THE CHILD SHOULD KNOW WHAT THEY ARE,,,and you explain WHY they have been smacked.
And also praise them as well when they have been especialy kind or good .i think you will find that they are not afraid of you ,,and trust your judgement.....

grego · 13-04-2007, 20:16

We were smacked very rarely, but when we were we deserved it, the threat of it was often enough. Certainly dont hold a grudge to my Mum or Dad for smacking us, if anything still feel they were too soft, used to get away with all sorts.

flashy · 17-04-2007, 15:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by grego

We were smacked very rarely, but when we were we deserved it, the threat of it was often enough. Certainly dont hold a grudge to my Mum or Dad for smacking us, if anything still feel they were too soft, used to get away with all sorts.

well said grego

Margaret Pilkington · 17-04-2007, 19:09

I have a small atomiser spray of plain old tap water that I keep in my handbag.......the tiny terror thinks it is a magic spray....and that it makes naughty boys disappear until they can behave in public....so far i have never had to use it.....I only need to mention it and he stops what he is doing and behaves.

katex · 17-04-2007, 19:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by Margaret Pilkington

I have a small atomiser spray of plain old tap water that I keep in my handbag.......the tiny terror thinks it is a magic spray....and that it makes naughty boys disappear until they can behave in public....so far i have never had to use it.....I only need to mention it and he stops what he is doing and behaves.

That's funny Margaret .. think would need a Child Phychologist to analize any long term effects on this early childhood threat of punishment .. LOL.

All children are different, aren't they though ? personally, (as we all have done here), will indulge in proclaiming my own past punishments as follows:-

Daughter: Just her mouth that got her into trouble; not her actions, and a tap on the legs was always warranted, although, did stick her face up at me and state 'that didn't hurt'

... next ..

Son: Never laid a finger on him .. no need, he always saw sense and agreed that I was always correct in my criticism of any of his wayward actions... was I duped ?

Grandaughter: The threat of a smack at the end of a count from 10 >> 1 always worked, although got to 2 before she scuttered off to amend the offence..

Guess I've been lucky as don't ever remember myself or my brother ever being smacked by my parents .. although I probably deserved it at times.

Hard work this parenting, but love it just the same.

Margaret Pilkington · 17-04-2007, 19:48

We also have a 'Promise'....NO - NOT THAT KIND!
I will put him on my knee before we go out and ask him what the promise is......
He tells me 'I promise - NO trantrums'...and if he starts to show signs of kicking off, I ask him to tell me what the promise is...just diversionary tactics...as is the magic spray.

grego · 17-04-2007, 20:14

They sound like good ideas Margaret, fortunately Ellie's never thrown a tantrum in public and wasn't really one for them anyway, her things back chat, always has to have the last word!

Margaret Pilkington · 17-04-2007, 20:24

It is purely finding out what works for you. I don't really remember my daughter having many tantrums......but then it IS a long time since she was that age (sorry Nicola).
As I have said in previous posts....smacking is an absolute last resort.....but it is one that I will use if I HAVE to......I believe that if his mother trusts me to make a decision over discipline, then I should have the right to do this.....and I do not see a smack as violence.....a punch is violent, a thump is violent, shouting and screaming to me is a form of violence and the marks may not show, but believe me that kind of abuse is far more damaging than a smack.

West Ender · 17-04-2007, 21:08

I so agree, Margaret. I see, every day, young mothers on the streets of Warrington with their unruly children running around and causing havoc. What usually happens is that the mothers start to scream - "TIFFANY (or Tyler or whatever), GET 'ERE." Often, when the instruction is ignored, it's followed by, "I SAID F***ING GET 'ERE, NOW". I even heard a woman yelling at a very small child, last week, that he was "a little b*st*rd". Well, I guess only she knew the truth of that.

To me, that's real child abuse. It's also, in my opinion, as violent as smacking. It breeds children who regard abusive language as the norm and it doesn't deter physical violence from those children as they grow up because they are soon immune to sensitivity of any kind.

Eric · 17-04-2007, 21:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by Margaret Pilkington

I have a small atomiser spray of plain old tap water that I keep in my handbag.......the tiny terror thinks it is a magic spray....and that it makes naughty boys disappear until they can behave in public....so far i have never had to use it.....I only need to mention it and he stops what he is doing and behaves.

works on my cat too ...