do we look after our old people/neighbours?

shillelagh · 20-09-2005, 16:54

After reading in the paper yesterday about the old woman who starved to death because she didnt have a letterbox got to thinking - do we look after our old people and our neighbours like we used to or do we just nod and carry on or even ignore them. To those of you who dont know me this is close to my heart about old people and family.

She died on her own and starved to death and her family (10 kids and 30 grandchildren) hadnt seen her for 3 months. They blame the authorities for her dying but not visiting your mum for 3 months that doesnt really say much for them.

It seems to me that they are looking for someone to blame and dont want to look at themselves. I live with my mum and so see her all the time but even my sisters and brothers come and see her at least once a week normally one brother is in every couple of days.

I get on with my neighbours I have spare keys for my neighbours houses and keep an eye on it when they go away and they have keys for my house. We are always in and out of each others houses and if i need a break i know i can always go to one of their houses and chill out

Am I lucky to have neighbours like this?

slinky · 20-09-2005, 16:59

I live next door to my mum shill, so yes I see her all the time. But there are a couple across the road, I wouldn't call them old at 65years old, but getting older. They are a lovely couple, and yes, If i didn't see them for a few days, I would certainly want to know why.
People don't seem to care enough for the elderly anymore, and it is sad.
I always grew up to know to respect your elders. If we got on the bus, we would always give the seat up for someone older than us. And I expect the same from my children.

grannyclaret · 20-09-2005, 17:20

i saw that story on the tele last night... surely out of 40 relations/inlaws someone should have visited,,,,,it said she wouldent let anyone in the house ,and she haddent collected her pension for weeks,,,but you can bet she will have caring family at the calling of the will ....or am i just sinnicle.

Phylum · 20-09-2005, 17:38

It could be she did not want to see them, but someone should have noticed something. Why did the postman not report that he was unable to deliver her order book? Why did the local DSS not notice the pention was not being collected or even question the order book being returned? Many to blame here.

SPUGGIE J · 20-09-2005, 18:05

It seems to be a recurring theme with the elderly in as they have done there bit and have time on there hands so people do not notice them. Now I know i will cop aload for this but at one time when women were house wives they would be aware of the neibourghs around them and if one was "missing" and would likely take a peak to see if they were ok. Nowadays we are so engrossed in our 24/7 culture with jobs as well as home duties and yes I include men in this that these things are not noticed.

If these so called family members couldnt be bothered to visit then a phone call provided she had one would be nice and a sure fire way of checking if she was ok. Now that she has died and they couldnt/wouldnt be bothered with her then they are trying to blame someone else for their mistake. She brought them into this world fed and clothed them in their childhood and yet 30+ of them could not make the remaining years of her life happy with her family around to suport and give here some happiness. Society is becoming so self centred that there will unfortunately be more of this.

I keep in touch with the members of my family of pensionable age so why cannot others in my case I am 220+ miles from most of mine and do a better job than those in this case.

T.C. · 20-09-2005, 18:16

I'm not old, only 73, but it is always nice when we get a visit. As those who know me, I can get about a bit, but Margaret is disabled. Last week we lost our little dog of 18 years, and were very upset, but we had many words of comfort from friends, and even a visit from our local councillor John Broadley to see how we were coping. Very commendable. I have a daughter who lives in Bradford who rings at least twice a week, and brings the great grand children over at least once a month, so we are among the lucky ones who have somebody who cares for us.

Phylum · 20-09-2005, 18:19

I think it is more to do with the transient nature of people nowadays. Years ago, people stayed where they were put. Now you never get to know your neigbours before they move on.

grego · 20-09-2005, 18:32

I was saddened to hear about this lady, there must be some reason behind the family not visiting and obviously a lot of other things that weren't followed up, its very sad.

Margaret Pilkington · 20-09-2005, 19:41

Our Street is full of retired people.....most of us in reasonable health......we support one another. We car share, we do errands for one another and we watch out for property when any of us is away. My hubby also shops for a couple of old folk who live in Ossy.

One of the things that has led to the decline of caring for the elderly is the nuclear family.
Once upon a time mothers and fathers lived in the same street as their married kids......grandparents too, so it was easier. Grandparents often provided child care if mother went out to work......these days everyone seems to go out to work and the extended family support system is long gone.

In the case of the lady who starved to death.....neighbours say that they offered assistance but it was rejected.......now if you offer help a couple of times and it is turned down then you would be justified in perhaps not offering again. The Council also tried to gain access to put a letterbox on for this lady and she denied the workmen access to her home (allegedly).

SPUGGIE J · 20-09-2005, 19:51

Couldnt agree more Margret around the nuclear family part. As for the council the word "allegedlly" is what they have to answer to. Oh and a gold star to you and your hubby for his consideration to the old folk who live in Ossy.

fireman · 20-09-2005, 19:52

I started a thread some time ago about tact and the elderly. From the reports I have read in this case it would seem that this old lady had made a concious decision not to bother with anyone (family or not) and this happens with old people who knows why, but unfortunately if they do decide to take this attitude then their is very little that anyone can do about it. They become extremely stubborn and indeed can get very nasty. Yes I think the family are now trying to take advantage of the situation but, reading between the lines they have not had an easy time with this old lady.

SPUGGIE J · 20-09-2005, 19:58

My gran falls out with everyone as regular as clockwork but because of here age and health we will not give up regardles of how stubborn she becomes. Familiy is family regardless of circumstance.

WillowTheWhisp · 20-09-2005, 21:24

We really don't know the full story. We don't know how many times the children and grandchildren may have tried to help her and been rejected. If you are constantly told to go away then you quite naturally don't try as often to visit.

They couldn't force themselves on her. The neighbours told how "independant" she was and how she refused help from anyone. Where I used to live we had an elderly lady on the street and when we hadn't seen her for a couple of days I called on her to see if she was OK. I got no reply to knocking at the door but didn't give up. I tried again later and tried calling "cooeeey!" through the letterbox. She came to the door, very angry and told me to "B*****r off" or she would set the police on me. She was, she said, sick and tired of people bothering her and wanted a bit of peace and quiet.

I'm afraid that after that I never made any attempt to call on her again if I didn't see her about. Her children tried to get her to move to sheltered accommodation but she flatly refused to go. I have no idea what happened to her as we moved away.

I suppose there is a limit to how far you can go without it becoming harrassment.

cashman · 20-09-2005, 21:56

can understand if the old person declines help/visits etc regular especially if they become abusive, what i can,t understand is a (family) who have not seen their mother/grandmother etc for 3 months, i,m damn sure i would have found some way to check if my mum was ok,and then to have the gall to try to place the blame on other people! sorry that i do not understand.

PILKYBUSDRIVER · 20-09-2005, 22:01

I don't know whether anyone has asked this but what did the postman do when delivering letters?What did they do with the letters?Did they not suspect anything?Does anyone know?