Pain of "Parenting"!

[LancYorkYankee]

Yesterday, I had the " joy " of watching my 17 year old "foster" son Josh, from next door, led from and back to prison in shackles. He had been in jail for the past 2 months for breaking and entering.

I wanted to be there for the grandparents who, after all the horrendous stuff this kid has put them through, still wanted to give him yet another chance. They begged the judge to let them bring him home. These are the same folks who let this kid get away with so much. They rarely took my advice as to how to control him, although they would call and ask for my help when the kid was getting violent or verbally abusive. I had no choice but to wash my hands of the kid about 6 months ago. I knew he would end up dead, kill somebody else, or end up in jail.

This is the same kid who 3 months ago, while home from a relgious school down south, stole the grandparent's car, then under influence of drugs and/or alcohol, totaled it after running off the road through a fence (the next day the grandfather was off fixing the fence!), has failed numerous drug tests, got kicked out of 4 different school situations, arrested for shoplifting beer, steals from his grandparents, threatens the grandparents with physical harm, involved with gangs and drugs and fighting, etc., etc., etc. In essence a chav of all chav's eh?

I was hoping, for his sake and the grandparents, he would get another 6 months of jail time. After the judge refused his release, the grandparents pleaded that the court send him to a "nice" juvenile detention place they knew of. The judge refused and sent him down to Richmond to serve a minimum of 6 more months and maybe up to 3 more years!

Over the past 11 years, I'm the closest thing to a father he's had. I tried so many times to guide this kid in the right direction. He's exactly where he belongs and deserves every bit of it. However, I still like a death has occurred and am ripped up inside.

Anybody out there that has gone through this? How often does the kid turn themselves around? I feel worst for the grandparents. They have done so much to raise this kid an are quite devistated.

As always, thanks for listening and for any advice!

Brian

[chav1]

stay rid of him your life wil be better

[grego]

I know even though he's a bad one you'll still be hurting, however he's in the right place, dont feel guilty he has to learn his own lessons, hope things get easier for you.

[Margaret Pilkington]

It is really hard to watch youngster like this destroy not only their own life, but the lives of those who care deeply about their well being. He needs some tough love. No I haven't ever been in the same situation...and nor do I want to be. I hope you find the strength to help out in the best way that you can. Jail may teach him some very hard lessons, but he may come out of there more of a criminal than when he went in.

[lancsdave]

I sympathise Brian. I have had more than my fair share of problems with one of my stepdaughters who insists on staying off the rails no matter how much you try to help. The theory of letting them find out the hard way doesn't work in practice becuase it's hard to stand back and see them screw up.

Unfortunatley I don't know the answer.

[tadah]

He as probably had plenty of chances to turn his life around but not took them. Abandon the waste of space.

[West Ender]

It's hard to see someone who matters to you go wrong, and he obviously does matter to you. You can't reproach yourself, though. You tried to help but you didn't have any authority over him. It's not your fault, though I can understand why you feel devastated.

The only person who can help this young man now is himself. It would be wonderful to think that a spell in prison would straighten him out but I doubt it will happen. He'll come out with a "record" and, no doubt, an even bigger chip on his shoulder. There, but for the grace of God......

[Tinkerbelle]

Awww Brian, you have my sympathy. We have a delinquent sister, she's an absolute nightmare. She hasn't been jailed or killed anyone yet but the misery and distress she causes our family just confirms to me that some people are just born bad to the bone.

[Ianto.W.]

Maybe the 6 months to 3 years in adut prison will help to teach the young man the error of his ways, But do not 'give up' on him Brian as none of us are beyond redemption. Support him as I know you will do, and be there when he needs you, the criminal ladder is a long one and he is only yet on the lower rungs.

[accymel]

Bailing him out wont help either, i know of too many bad uns rely heavily on the "its not my fault its this or that" excuse, only them can change the error of their ways once they see the error of their ways & want to change that - otherwise will always be leeching the goodwill & patience of others & abusing those nice people that care.

Its hard not to feel responsiblity for them & want to help them but they can so easily abuse that to a point that it doesn't actually help them in the end - sometimes tough love is neccessary!! Hard i know.

Dont be so hard on yourself Brian u have done the best u can but the rest is upto this youngster im afraid!! Be supportive ear & help to the grandparents is all u can do.

[garinda]

I'm so sorry, that is a very sad tale.

It sounds like this kid is rebelling, against what I presume is a fairly pleasant life. I know you live in a nice part of the world, and this boy isn't a product of an inner city ghetto, but that really isn't the point. People from all walks of life sometimes bite the hand that feeds them. I've commented before that sometimes being too kind, as his grandparents have obviously been, isn't always the best way. Tough love can work, were as always pandering to someone's whims, isn't always the best way forward.

No matter what you do sometimes, nothing will change until that person realises they want to change.

I once shared a house with a heroin addict. Not through choice mind you, he was a friend of my then housemate. It was a nightmare, and not having emotional ties, I grew to hate him. Everything was done for him. He was housed, fed, clothed, found work when he could be bothered to go, sent for numerous expensive rehab programmes, the lot. All handed to him on a plate, and he just carried on using, both drugs and the people around who tried to help him.

It wasn't until he fell in love that he reached the point were he wanted to change for himself, and happily he did. He's now clean, married and a father to two great kids and lives in Italy. Sometimes people can change, if it's not too late, but only when they're ready.

Although you must be disappointed, just let him know that if he ever really needs you, you'll be there.

Good luck mate.

[cashman]

many of my mates n me were real buggars when teenagers brian, fortunatly most of us grew out of it in early 20s,one didnt an god knows where he is now.what i,m trying to say mate is with any luck its a teenage thing,hes got his just desserts but theres always a chance he will turn the corner at some point.

[LancYorkYankee]

Thanks so much for the advice and guidance but most of all for the encouragement. You guys make opening up that much easier by being straight up!

Because this kids mom died of a drug overdose when he was 2 (he was born when she was in jail) and they don't even know the race of the father, the grandparents have tried too hard to keep him straight.

Another thing is the farmer type grandparents own hundreds of acres of land, houses they rent, and other business ventures. So this kid is close to throwing away millions of dollars. It'll end up all going to his uncle who is also quite the bum.

Over the years, I've worked with, coached, mentored, 100s of kids. Whenever they goofed off in school, disobeyed parents, got in fights, or talked stupid, I'd always tell them that I would visit them when they went to jail. Kinda odd that the kid I spent the most time with will be the first one for me to visit.

I imagine I'll always be there for the little bastard! (although can be used as a swear word, I believe the usage here is anatomically correct! ) LIFE'S GOOD!

Brian