so my mum died this afternoon... - Page 4

West Ender · 21-01-2008, 16:10

If you had no intention of going to the funeral you wouldn't ask if you should go. Go - be there with your sisters and show them you're a family and when the distant relations start droning on about what a wonderful woman your mother was - tell them the truth and leave them gasping.

I feel so sorry for the little boy that was you but I also feel uneasy about your mother because her behaviour was abnormal, to say the least, and I wonder what made her like that.

Time to move on now, there's no going back. Start the future with your sisters, with your head up high, and let it all go.

lindsay ormerod · 21-01-2008, 18:34

Funerals are all about respect and a celebration of the deceased's life; sounds to me like you don't owe her any respect and the only thing to celebrate is the fact she is gone.
I would stay at home with your family .

LancYorkYankee · 21-01-2008, 18:38

Hey Glasgow Guy, Thanks so much for sharing this with us! Even though my "mom" is still alive, I can "feel ya" on this one. Very similar childhood and feelings about the lady in the house we was raised.

I've often felt odd when my friends lose their parents and are so terribly devastated at the loss of one of their parents. Okay, it is probably more envy or jeolosy that they had such a close relationship with them.

I don't believe you need any closure by going to the funeral. You can always find that in the future if you so wish. However, I think it may be important for the rest of your family to have you there. If not solely for them. It'll be hard when folks approach you with condolescences and "happy thoughts" about this dead lady you used to live with.

When my mother dies, I will attend her funeral out of respect for my brothers and sisters. My only tears will be for the fact that she had NO CLUE as to how much scars, pain and anguish she caused or allowed to an innocent little boy!

I do so wish you well in this time GG. Let those closest to you , and who know you (and your background) best help guide you in this decision!

Brian

Busman747 · 21-01-2008, 18:41

As you get older, only two things bring the family together......Weddings and Funerals. IF you have the inclination, go to the funeral simply to meet and talk with your Scottish family and relations. Assuming your sisters are still there, look upon this as an opportunity to see them, along with all those cousins, Aunts and Uncles you would otherwise not get round to seeing if you just "popped" up there for a visit.

When I moved North 4 years ago, I failed to notify most of my dads relatives even though I had no grudge against them, my dad died many years back and I just seemed to lose contact with them.

I would love to catch up with the gossip, some have probably died, others are soldiering on....but as they do not know where I am, I cannot be told

So my advice is.................go for the gossip

Trixie · 21-01-2008, 19:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by glasgow guy

I am in 2 mind on whether to go to her funeral as I know there will be a few realtives tutting at me - but they dont know what she done to me as a kid...
would it be right or wrong for me not to go ??

your thoughts on this matter please...

Can you not hire a look a like of yourself for the day? You don't have to go and the family are happy because they think you went ... sorry silly answer but hope it raised a smile

mani · 21-01-2008, 19:39

I think you should

i think it'll help you get some kinda closure on what happened.

dont do it for the sake of relatives - all my life i've been blighted with the expectation of what my relatives wud think rather than what wud make me happy.

dont do it for them do it for yourself. leave early if you really dont want anyting to do with your relatives

glasgow guy · 21-01-2008, 20:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trixie

Can you not hire a look a like of yourself for the day? You don't have to go and the family are happy because they think you went ... sorry silly answer but hope it raised a smile

I tried but brad pitts working on tuesday

...typical !! cant get the staff !

bullseyebarb · 22-01-2008, 21:35

A heartwrenching thread. One thing is for sure - biology alone does not a good parent make. I think the term "closure" is overused. Some things just stay with you forever.

That said, it seems that you were able to overcome your harsh beginnings and make a decent life for yourself. In celebration of that - be the better spirit. Forgive, even if you cannot forget. If the relationship with other members of your family remains good - which you so indicate - then perhaps this would be a great opportunity to reconnect in a number of ways. Since you brought up the subject of whether or not you should attend the funeral, it seems to me that you are not dead set again going. There is a chance that such a trip might lay some of the demons to rest.

grannyclaret · 23-01-2008, 11:53

keep us imformed of what you decide to do,,,,my thoughts are with you whatever you decide... it cant be easy,,

glasgow guy · 23-01-2008, 22:25

just a small update...
I am going to go to the funeral - as both my sisters asked me to go - for them - we have also been footed with the bill for it all as 'dearest mummy' had no life insurance or money left over...nothing...so we have to foot the £2500 bill!! she done nothing for me whilst alive and now she has gone I have to pay out of my own pocket to bury her!!! and cos no ones on the dole we get no help at all !
but all her sisters and co (aunts and uncles) are treating me and my sisters like lepers and not contacting us regarding the funeral arrangements - which they made...and left the bill to us - at one point they told us that we were not getting in the funeral car!!
but the last laugh will be on them as the family house was bought by said mother way back in the early 90's - from my grandad so that it would stay in the family..and given that we are next of kin then the house is legally ours...lawyers are already working on the paperwork for that to go through without their knowledge...the thing is said aunts and unlces think that the family house is in my grandads name...and that its theirs when he decides to go...boy are they in for a shock..
and I dont have too much of a say in it as both sisters want to sell the house when it all goes through...they have told me that I should recieve about £45k from my share of the house sale.. but I feel it may mean that certain relatives wont talk to me ever again when they find all this out....I am really torn over it all - guy at work say that the money I get can be called a compensation pay out due to the way I was treated as a kid...

what would you do in this situation...my heads spinning due to this...really stressing me out...yeah the money would be hand to say the least but its not my/our fault that this is how its happened...mum died, next of kin (us) are legally left what she had - no will nothing like that - just the house..

flashy · 23-01-2008, 22:29

i wouldnt call it compensation but i would call it 'what you are owed' it wont be just you who the relatives wont speak to again, it will be your sisters too, i wouldnt bother with the relatives if i where you, would they be thinking about you if the shoe was on the other foot and they got financial gain from the house? i think not...do what you think is right chris, we can only give you advice on the matter....but i'd definately take the money

Lilly · 23-01-2008, 22:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by glasgow guy

just a small update...
I am going to go to the funeral - as both my sisters asked me to go - for them - we have also been footed with the bill for it all as 'dearest mummy' had no life insurance or money left over...nothing...so we have to foot the £2500 bill!! she done nothing for me whilst alive and now she has gone I have to pay out of my own pocket to bury her!!! and cos no ones on the dole we get no help at all !.

You should have told the Funeral Director that no-one is willing to pay and to instruct the local council to give her a pauper's funeral. These are very very basic which is no more than it sounds like she deserves.

I take it it's too late for that though if arrangements are already in place.

WillowTheWhisp · 23-01-2008, 23:14

Seems like a bit of cheek them arranging it and then letting you pay.

You are entitled to the proceeds from the sale of the house. I would just accept that if I were you and if aunts and uncles don't like it they can lump it.

howarth · 23-01-2008, 23:16

Its A tricky one hun, cnt comment realy, but my heart goes out to you xx you have to think wots best you..........
wot ever you decide either way were all here for you hun
take care lv
emm xx

claytonender · 23-01-2008, 23:17

[quote=glasgow guy;521109]just a small update...
I am going to go to the funeral - as both my sisters asked me to go - for them - we have also been footed with the bill for it all as 'dearest mummy' had no life insurance or money left over...nothing...so we have to foot the £2500 bill!! she done nothing for me whilst alive and now she has gone I have to pay out of my own pocket to bury her!!! and cos no ones on the dole we get no help at all !
but all her sisters and co (aunts and uncles) are treating me and my sisters like lepers and not contacting us regarding the funeral arrangements - which they made...and left the bill to us - at one point they told us that we were not getting in the funeral car!!
quote]

If your aunts and uncles arranged the funeral, I don't think they can make you foot the bill. It is them who have made the contract with the funeral undertaker, not you and your sisters. (Law might be different in Scotland).

Even if you (and your sisters) are considered liable for the funeral expenses. I wouldn't worry too much about how much you might have to pay for the funeral, as funeral expenses are a debt against the estate of the deceased - which would be paid from some of the money from sale of the house. Don't be presurised into paying any funeral expenses until the house is sold. If you (and your sisters) do get a bill give it to the solicitor to sort out as part of the estate.

You do deserve your fair share of the sale of the house. Hope everything goes ok at the funeral, I am sure your sisters will appreciate you being there for them.