so my mum died this afternoon...

[glasgow guy]

but before folk start saying sorry to hear and all that stuff please let me explain that I am not sad at all - infact I am not actually bothered..but I am curious to know what people think...
let me explain...

I did not have a good childhood and was battered black and blue
from an early age by my mum - whether it was with a stilleto, belt, or the poker from the fire - I got it - this went on for years and she often went out and left me and my sisters alone to fend for ourselves so I did grow up resenting my mum and not having a close relationship that a mother and son should have..
anyway regardless of my relationship with her I didnt move out thorugh misguided loyalty ?...but when I met the other half I did go..however she gave me a volley of abuse for doing so and once more she did the same when I told her I was moving down here...
I was told last year that she was dying from cancer and that I should go and see her...at christmas whilst in scotland through the pressure of my sisters I went and seen her - for the first time in 8 years
but couldnt look her in the eye and only spoke one word to her...which was 'fine' - when she asked how I was...
and today I got the phone call that she died this afternoon...but like I have mentioned - I am not really bothered about it as she was never there for me as a child - why should I be there for her now ?
I am in 2 mind on whether to go to her funeral as I know there will be a few realtives tutting at me - but they dont know what she done to me as a kid...
would it be right or wrong for me not to go ??


your thoughts on this matter please...

[AccyLass]

would it be right or wrong for me not to go ??

I don't think it'd be either
It's a big decision tho
I honestly can't say what I would do in the same situation
What I do hope, is that you don't do it for them family members that will go "tut"
Who cares what they think

Do whatever you think is right for you and your family, no one else

[panther]

I cant really say, as iv never been in this predicament, all I can say is that in the end its up to you, nobody else. maybe you should go for closure.......? i really dont have a clue im afraid

[MargaretR]

If you don't want to go - don't - you might even get pressured to pay part of the funeral costs which would be the ultimate insult.
She sounds like the mother from hell - where she deserve to be (if you believe in hell).
I would not care what relatives might say - they ought to have rescued you from torment when you needed them - so their opinions don't matter, because they let you down too.

[flashy]

i see what your saying Chris, but when it comes down to it she was your mum, i never had a good relationship with my mum either, she died of cancer when i was 15, we fought a hell of a lot, i was the rebellious(sp) one in the family and we clashed like mad, i got a slap or five for it too, but nothing untoward, i often wonder how my life would of turned out if i'd of still had my mum around.....

anyway enough of me, i think you should go to her funeral, even if its only for closure, you want to put that part of your life behind you and i think this would be the best way to do it and get over it

just my opinion but i reckon it will help

in years to come you may wonder why you didnt go and you may regret it


no one can make your mind up for you, only you can do that, either way we are all here to help you with anything if needs be

take care and chin up xx

[banjoman]

Do what you think is best for yourself. What will other family members think if you dont go ? Is it better to have a few hours of tutting or a potentially longer time of regret for not being there ? By going will you will feel bad as you dont think you want to be there ?

Tough one, but what I would say is whatever you decide you will question your own decision right up until the time, so maybe input from other trusted friends/family will help. You may also find the reaction from the family may not be what you expect and they may know more than you think.

[cashman]

its a difficult one, YOU n your family must come first, i think, as for relatives i think its fair to say, you probably are not aware of who knew what? you being a child at the time. i know bloods thicker than water, but anyone who tuts to me is not worth yer time anyway. coping with a family death is not as easy as some may think, i had a similar thing with me dad until about 18months before his death (was wed with kids then) all i can say is i went to his funeral n can honestly say it did me no good. everyones differant.the important question is wether you go or not how yer gonna cope with that descision, try n answer that n it may give you the correct path. good luck.

[lancsdave]

Tough call. I had a vile stepmother who when she dies will create a similar problem between me and my Dad.

What sort of relationship do you want to maintain with the rest of your family ? If it really doesn't matter then don't go. Despite what happened you must have some feeling otherwise you wouldn't have gone to see her. Maybe one last time at the funeral is something you feel you could manage, it's something you won't need to do again.

[glasgow guy]

I am really not that bothered about the fact that she is now dead as she was as good as dead last year and the year before that and that - it was 8 years since I last spoke to her - she didnt know where in england I lived, what my phone number was. what I do for a living, what the other half does, what weight the little one is etc, anything about us - no cards - nothing...why ? cos she didnt want to know..
and I dont agree with the closure thing as that was all done years ago when she ws alive as far as I am concerned..and I honestley dont think I will regret a thing if I were not to go to her funeral...ok I may **** one or two folk off but thats life...no pun !
and I know some relatives didnt know what she done cos alot of it came out at new year when certain folk got talking to my big sister - and she put them straight - and they were shocked..but I shalll keep reading your replys..

[glasgow guy]

Originally Posted by lancsdave

Despite what happened you must have some feeling otherwise you wouldn't have gone to see her.

no - it was pressure between my sisters and other half to make me go..I only went to keep them happy - thats the honest truth..

[cashman]

well if yer big sis put em straight n they were shocked, there is no justification for em to tut, seems like ya got yer answer.

[Bonnyboy]

Just do whatever you are comfy with and what you feel to be right, that’s what I would do and ****** everyone else.

[katex]

So sorry to hear about your childhood GG .. how terrible.

Did think Flashy's remarks about closure was good, then read your remarks about this in another post. So one cancelled out the other so to speak.

Could bring you closer to your sisters I guess, but as mentioned, do you want this ?

The only point I would like to add is that, when the vicar/preacher, etc., is giving his 'run down' on yer mum, he is not going to say anything bad is he, which may lead to you yourself 'tutting' throughout this address, and causing you more than a little stress incontinence.

[glasgow guy]

I am very close to my sisters anyway so thats not an issue..and I have thought about the vicar thing and I probably will sit and tut to myself if I go...as will one or two others..so there would be no stress at all...

[MargaretR]

If I was you and decided to go, I would not be able to resist a 'dance on her grave'
If it is a cremation - donate a can of petrol.
That woman does not deserve any traditional 'send off'
She was never a mother to you so why bother.