The Law really IS an ass!!

[jelly baby]

Here are a few extracts from court transcripts winging around the office at the moment. I am assured that they are all true.

1. Judge: Now, Mrs Smith, how was your first marriage terminated?
Mrs Smith: By death your honour.
Judge: And by whose death was it terminated.

2. Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

3. Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.
Q. And what did he do then?
A. He came home and by morning he was dead.
Q. So. when he woke up the following day he was dead?

4. Q. Doctor, what is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

5. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months on September 10th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception would be June 10th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at the time?

6. Q. What happened then?
A. He said 'I'll have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q. And did he kill you?
A. No

7. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Holding them up in the air.
Q. And where was the dog?
A. Attached to the ears.

8. Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness of this defendant?
A. Oh, she'll tell the truth. She said she'd kill that bastard - and she did.

9. Defence: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she had wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she with him to the station?
Prosecution: Objection! That question should be taken out and shot.

Enjoy

[WillowTheWhisp]

...................I must tell you a true story which was told to me by a lawyer. He was questioning a witness who he described (to us) as a "dumb blond" and asked her to describe the scene.
She said "It was pretty ugly"
He said "Can we please avoid such a hackneyed oxymoron?"
To which she replied "Oi! Who are you calling a moron!"

[pendy]

One reputed to be true:

Defence lawyer: Are you sure that Mr B was dead when you carried out your post-mortem?
Pathologist: Yes.
DL: How can you be so sure? Did you check vital signs?
P: No, I did not check vital signs. I was sure that Mr B was dead because his brain was in a bottle on my desk.
DL: But could you be SURE?
P: No, I suppose it is quite possible that he was alive and practising law!

There is, however, that awful moment (an OHNOSECOND?) in Court (David will vouch for this) when you hear a voice saying something totally crass and stupid and you realise with horrow that it's you!

[Sparkologist]

What a superb reposte that was, Pendy. It left absolutely no room for a come-back. I bet the defence lawyer could have been measured with a micrometer, when he had finished shrivelling.
Pray, do tell us it wasn't David who walked into this verbal ambush.

If i had delivered that damning put-down, i would have moon-walked in front of the Bench and collected high-fives from the twelve good men and true.