Things that make you go "uh?"

WillowTheWhisp · 09-03-2005, 17:07

My eldest daughter, normally fairly popular at school with a bunch of friends, has been quite miserable over the past few days with no-one to "hang round with" at school. The reason for this is that she is the victim of "indirect bullying" where the bully has ordered other children not to speak to her. They haven't been talking to her because they felt intimidated by the bully. Why was the girl doing this one wonders. It seems that she was one of a bunch of friends of my daughter but found herself a "best" friend.(There seems to be an inability amongst some teenagers to relate to more than one person at once.) However, she then sees that she has less friends than my daughter so proceeds to ensure that my daughter has even fewer than one.

When my daughter told me about this I advised her just to go with the flow for a while to see if she would come round, or the other girls start ignoring her bullying and things get back to normal but they didn't and so despairing of possibly spending the rest of her school years a lone and lonely figure she decided to approach the "mentor" - a member of staff whose role it is to deal with bullying problems. She talked to both girls. Her solution to the problem?

Wait for it.

She asked my daughter how she felt about changing schools! Oh yes, an excellent way to ensure that bullies are aware of the success of bullying tactics. Needless to say she does not intend to take that advice and disrupt her education, and today she has had one girl to "hang out" with at least. Perhaps the rest will now brave the bully and follow suit.

I'm just left amazed at the school's method of dealing with this problem.

garinda · 09-03-2005, 17:15

God l wouldn't be a child again for all the tea in China. l recently met someone who tried to bully me, she's apparently really 'nice' now, l'd have to see evidence first.
With your support l'm sure your daughter will weather this storm and come through it stronger and surer of who she is just like her Mum.
The 'mentors' advice is so stupid it's funny.
Good luck Willow.

Tealeaf · 09-03-2005, 17:24

i've got a secondary girls school just up the street from me, and they occaisionally come past in the morning, mob-handed. Whatever I may have seen in them as a teenage lad I really do not know. As far as I can now make out, they're from another planet,

shiny gem · 09-03-2005, 17:30

children can be cruel!!! but as i keep telling all the ones that i know...school isnt that bad!!! just keep your head down and get your education!!!! because your only there for 5 years!!! after that the chances of you seeing these people again are very slim.

JohnW · 09-03-2005, 18:01

The thing that surprises me most about this is the fact that the girls are at it. In my days at school, bullying was really confined to boys on boys, and most of us suffered it at one time or another. But in today's world the girls seem as bad as, and in some cases worse than, their male counterparts. Very frightening. What is happening to our fair and gentle sex?

Tinkerbelle · 09-03-2005, 18:05

I sympathise with you Willow. My son is only nine and was harassed by some unsavoury characters in school. These kids used to hit, push, kick, and generally just pick on him when the teachers weren't looking. I've always told my kids the thing my parents told me, if someone hits you hit them back but my son isn't a sneaky kid if he's going to lamp someone he just does whoever is watching which got him into a lot of trouble with the teachers. After a massive confrontation with a mother that thought it was fine to have a slanging match infront of the children, which resorted in her own child being in floods of tears, I withdrew my son and changed his school on the advice of his Head Mistress this wasn't her expelling him or getting rid of him being the problem it was the other childs mother she was frightened of!!

park381 · 09-03-2005, 18:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowTheWhisp

She asked my daughter how she felt about changing schools! Oh yes, an excellent way to ensure that bullies are aware of the success of bullying tactics. Needless to say she does not intend to take that advice and disrupt her education, and today she has had one girl to "hang out" with at least. Perhaps the rest will now brave the bully and follow suit.
I'm just left amazed at the school's method of dealing with this problem.

Make an appointment to see the Headteacher, explain to him/her the problems and the advice you got from a member of the school staff, and if that does not sort it out, next stop local education office and report the matter. The authority takes a hard line on bullying within it's employees, so it must adopt the same attitude with pupils of it's schools.

John_Timmins · 09-03-2005, 19:22

I was at Augustines in billington and instead of setting up a teacher mentor system they had a pupil mentor where every first year or anyone who needed one had an older mentor normally in fith year, i was a mentor i was given a young boy i met with him like once a week for the first few weeks he seemed alright with new school therefore i left him but kept an eye on him when i saw him from across yard etc, and he knew me (what a privalidge

) so if he had any problems instead of having to tell a teacher he told me and i sorted it or i then told the teacher i confidence. like i said i we never had any problems, but others did and mentored them till the end of the year then if the kid still had problems they would be passed over to the next years mentor team as we all left.

To be honest there was not much bullying going on anyway. i never got bullyed!!! this was due to a really good school. There was obviously some bullying going on but it normally got stamped out or the bully got kicked out. In my opinion the best policy

fireman · 09-03-2005, 19:58

your childs mentor has probably made the situation worseand made your daughter feel that the staff dont seem to think that she fits in with the other kids. She or he needs to be re-educated in the handling of bullies. When it happenned to my grandkids I confronted the bully in the playground at home time in front of the kids paarent. When it was explained to him that next week he could be on the receiving end the bullying stopped and the kids are as thick as thieves. Good luckm its not a pleasant thing to go through either for the parent or the child.

Sara · 09-03-2005, 20:01

Willow, is your daughter still young enough to still want to have a group of friends round for tea? If so, try contacting the parents to ask them would their daughter(s) like to come for tea some evening. Should work better if you can get a couple for tea. These girls might need a shove. But i would definately make an appointment with the head and report the staff member, that is disgusting. Whatever you do try not to let the little cows win.

West Ender · 09-03-2005, 21:26

This is exactly what happened to my younger daughter at the end of her last term at High School, at around the time she was taking GCSEs. For reasons that we never discovered, one of her oldest "friends" turned against her and was followed by the rest of the group (all good friends before) who, effectively, "froze her out".

My daughter coped very well, academically, and did well in her exams but she refused to stay at the school for 6th form and went to a FE college. The psychological effect on her was more subtle. There were then, in the early 90s, no mentors. I, like you, had advised her to ride it out, hoping that things would sort themselves out and not wishing to make things worse at such a critical time in her school career. They didn't. I feel that I should have done more at the time, with hindsight, but I didn't fully appreciate how devastated she was.

As an indirect result of the low self-esteem this bullying induced she became clinically depressed after a year or two, made worse when her dad died suddenly and unexpectedly when she was 20, and it took quite a time to get her back on to an even keel. Consequently, she failed her A levels and dropped her long held ambition to become a teacher.

Today she is a happy, well-balanced almost-30 year old, a brilliant mother to her own daughter, a "Brown Owl", a PTA committee member, a "people's person" and has a good, responsible job. All this is the result of her own determination and the help of the medical profession and us, her family. It is certainly no thanks to her former so-called friends or her school.

I hope your daughter's problem is on the way to being resolved, Willow. If you suspect it isn't, go to the school yourself and make them listen to you. Bullying in any form is harmful and the results can be catastrophic. Suggesting that the victim might move to another school is allowing the bullies to win and certainly won't prevent them from continuing their actions against any one else.

lettie · 10-03-2005, 08:11

Sorry about your daughter Willow. Girls can be evil little sods when it comes to bullying. I remember somebody trying it with me at school, but she didn't get very far. I was never one to be bothered by other girls at school and most of my friends went to other schools, so I never really let it bother me. You definitely need to go to the headteacher to report the problem. Not just the member of staff, but also the girl. The mentor scheme is the norm in New Zealand, and it works really well. An older pupil will mentor a younger pupil and they all play together. It's lovely to see and starts at infant school and continues through their education. Bullying is almost non existent.

-pixie · 10-03-2005, 08:25

Children can be cruel, girls even moreso. I hope it all gets settled soon.

WillowTheWhisp · 10-03-2005, 08:31

From past experience I've found the head to be rather inaccessible. There was an instance last year when my daughter's school bag was half-inched whilst she was doing PE. She spent the whole of the next period (English) on a hunt for the thing (under teacher's instructions) and missed out on a double period of English. I didn't particularly think this was satisfactory so I went up to the school to speak to someone about it. I asked for the head but was told to speak to the head of year. I attempted to speak to the head of year but he simply directed his answers to my daughter and told her he would discuss it with her the following morning! I just gave up in defeat.

On the other hand the Primary School, which both of my children attended and the youngest leaves this year, has a totally different attitude towards parents in general and problems like this in particular. The head teacher is also very approachable and although I grant you it is a much smaller school (less than 400 pupils) she seems to know every one of the pupils by name.

My daughter doesn't want to change schools. She's been choosing her subjects for next year and looking at what she is aiming for in life and has discussed all this with the various teachers concerned and seems to have a good idea of what she wants to do, where she wants to go and how to get there. she doesn't want to disrupt all that. I admire her for that.

park381 · 10-03-2005, 08:41

Hi, have a look at this link, it may help

http://www.lancashire.gov.uk/educati...pdate/cpsu.asp
and this one
http://publications.teachernet.gov.u...-0027-2004.pdf