Top secret code revealed

[talentedbutslow]

Something I found which may be of use when dealing with tradesman and repairmen:-


Top Secret Code Revealed


In the past year, I have had a lot of repairs and improvements made, or at least started, on my 20-year-old house. Having spent months dealing with repairmen, plumbers, roofers, carpenters, installers, painters, etc., I have, through the powers of shrewd observation and analysis, been able to crack the top secret code of the Fraternal Order of Independent Contractors. Here for the first time, it is revealed to the homeowners of Australia. "As an independent contractor, you are ordained by God to be a free spirit, and as such must never allow a homeowner, most of which live mundane, boring lives, working daily and earning regular paychecks, to take you for granted. The following Rules of Conduct have been established to protect your independence and freedom."
Principle I -You must immediately establish a relationship with the homeowner which demonstrates you are not in any way subservient to the person who pays you. The homeowner must feel it is a privilege to have you on the job site. Therefore:
Rules
1. Never show up for your first appointment with a homeowner. When he finally tracks you down, tell him "something came up" and reschedule.
2. Be at least an hour late for your second appointment. If possible, make the homeowner late for work.
3. When following Rules 1 & 2, never call to let the homeowner know what is going on.
Principle II- The homeowner must always be anxious and confused.
Rules
4. All estimates must be verbal and incoherent.
5. If the homeowner asks for a written estimate, do not itemize and make your writing illegible. CAUTION: Do not put anything in writing if the homeowner is a pharmacist.
6. Since in reality you have no idea what the work will cost, always underestimate.
7. Have a P.O. Box only.
8. Have an unlisted phone number.
9. Once the homeowner thinks you have agreed to your own offer, cement the deal by asking for a lot of money up front for supplies. If the homeowner gives you the money, you may consider the job complete and move on to the next project.
10. The first day on the job, show up with a helper who has not had a bath, shaved or changed clothes in a week and ask for a key to the house.
11. Be late on the job every day until the homeowner no longer has any confidence in your word. The next day, show up at 5:30 am, walk into the bedroom and say, "Gee, I thought you would be gone by now." He's now willing to pay you anything NOT to do the job.
Principle III- Establish that the home is your domain, not the homeowner's. You need to get the homeowner out of the house.
Rules
12. If at all possible, use the homeowner's tools and not yours. Do not ask permission to do this.
13. Once you complete a task, you may assume that the homeowner no longer has need of the tools in question. You may keep them. If he has need of them, he can get used ones of a similar quality at the flea market. 14. Always have your flea market booth in another county.
15. Anything you drop while installing a fixture may be considered a spare part. Leave it on the floor.
16. Never pick up anything you drop, never clean up after yourself. You are not a high priced custodian.
17. Start as many projects at one house as you possibly can. Complete none for as long as you possibly can.
18. Don't flush.
19. If the homeowner has the obnoxious habit of dropping by during the day to check up on things, bring your girlfriend with you and tell the homeowner you'd appreciate it if he didn't show up unannounced.
Principle IV- Remember that the reason you became an independent contractor is so that you can spend the majority of your time doing the thing you most love to do- drive your truck.
Rules
20. Since you have no credit, no checking account nor cash, you must take the homeowner with you to Lowe's to buy all of the necessary supplies to do the required work. Take no measurements and make no list before dragging the homeowner to the store. This guarantees you a return trip.
21. Start as many projects at as many homes as you possibly can so that you always need to be someplace other than where you are.
22. As a courtesy to other contractors, always leave sufficient work undone so that when they show up to begin a project, they can't start and will have to return. It is helpful to meet in the parking lot of Home Depot first thing in the morning to coordinate this.
23. Always cut before measuring as this ensures return trips to the store.
Principle V- When the spirit of freedom tells you it is time to move on, you must sever all ties with the homeowner without the homeowner knowing.
Rules 24. Ascertain from the homeowner a day when he will be out of town on business. Call the night before and tell him you plan to finish up first thing in the morning, because you are leaving on vacation. However, to finish up you need a check. Tell him to leave it on the table.
25. Pick up the check and forget to leave the house key, or better yet, leave the key to someone else's house.
26. The homeowner is NEVER to be able to find you again. If necessary, change your phone number, change your address, change trucks. But under no circumstances are you to ever be seen by or speak to the homeowner again. Always remember our motto: Freedom Before Responsibility.

[Sara]

After reading the secret code, i am convinced that the majority of workmen i've had in the house belongs to the Fraternal Order of Independent Contractors. Brilliant.

[Ber999T]

hehehe TBS wished I had that list some 20 years ago might have been able to foil said tradesman LOL