Z F A

[jambutty]

It is rumoured that on 1st January 2010 all citizens over the age of 75 will be awarded a weekly ZF Allowance. This ZFA will operate in much the same way as the current DLA does in that a recipient can opt to lease a state of the art Zimmer Frame so that they can get out and about or opt to keep the cash and stay indoors.

Part of the ZFA can be used to lease a basic model, with the residue being kept by the ZFA receiver. All of the ZFA will be required to lease a luxury frame or all of the ZFA plus a small extra to lease a super luxury Zimmer Frame.

All Zimmer Frames will be constructed from a lightweight tubular aluminium frame that is adjustable for height, with alloy wheels at the front and rigid brakes at the back to ensure that the frame doesn’t slide away from the user when s/he moves forward.

The shape will be more rounded than the current models to reduce drag whilst moving forward and thus improve the efficiency of the device. Looked at from above the shape will be ovoid with spring loaded retracting limbs at the back to allow for access and exit.

On the inside at the front there will be a drop down seat where the user can have a rest when s/he gets a bit tired. The luxury models will have the seat padded with fire resistant foam and upholstered in a fire resistant Dralon in any one of five colours. The super luxury model will be upholstered in soft leather in any one of ten colours.

Smoking will be allowed inside the Zimmer Frame and an ashtray can be found adjacent to the seat. There will also be a bottle holder on either side of the seat for storing a bottle of the user’s favourite tipple. Zimmer Frame users will be exempt from the breathalyser laws as long as they remain upright.

Zimmer Frame racing on the public highway will mean instant confiscation of the device. Citizens are reminded that no more than two abreast will be allowed on footpaths or roads and will have priority over all pedestrians, cyclists, prams, push chairs and motorised vehicular traffic.

All models will be painted in any one of 10 colours with the super luxury model in metallic paint. Go Faster stripes along the side will be an optional extra.

The luxury model will come complete with a wrap around opaque skirt in grey that will fasten to the frame to protect the occupant from water splashes from passing vehicles. There will also be a plastic see through hood that will also fasten to the frame to protect the user from inclement weather.

The super luxury model’s skirt and hood will be painted to resemble a Dalek and users of this model will be encouraged to frequent shopping areas and other places where young yobos congregate so that they can descend on them yelling “Exterminate! Exterminate!” The effect will be greatest if several senior citizens cocooned in their Super Luxury Zimmer Frames arrive together and move forward in formation. Hints and tips on how to achieve the maximum effect can be found in the map pocket next to the seat. Citizens will have to supply their own sink plunger and those who do will be encouraged to plunge it over the foul mouths of the congregating yobos.

The basic and luxury models will have their gripping handles coated with a special coating that when gripped and warmed will exude a slow acting poison that will be absorbed by the skin rendering the user dead in 56 days. The effects of this poison will not be felt until the evening of the 56th day and a peaceful and pleasant death will come during that night’s sleep but it will give them 56 days to get their affairs in order.

Anyone caught wearing gloves will be fined and shot on the spot.

A crazy idea? Yes! But only marginally crazier that ID cards and mileage charges for vehicles.

[cashman]

may be rumour,may be crazy,but i like the idea,in another 18 years i could apply for my own.lol

[jimmi5bellies]

Good post >>>> made me laugh !