20 responses to telesales!!

[slinky]

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

[Tinkerbelle]

Thankyou for those Slinky I sure will use some of them as shouting down the phone was getting a bit monotonous!!

[Sara]

Could do with remembering some of them, brilliant.

[slinky]

Over the last couple of week I have had quite a few run in's with telesales people by doing some of the things above. I look foward to them ringing now how sad?? lmfao.

[Tinkerbelle]

BT's own Telesales people are the worst

[janet]

I had two phone calls from folk trying to sell me stuff last week.I did not disconnect the call for an hour each time. Hopefuly they have got the message and don't ring back.

[MUMMIBOO]

They were hilarious, i would love to try them out, and a couple of them i will only thing is will i be able to stop myself form laughing at the time?

[WillowTheWhisp]

Love them

I usually emply the same technique as Janet.

I'm supposed to have a block on junk calls but it seems to have worn off recently becuse I've had one or two.

[PurpleLass]

These are great fun but there is an official way to get rid of them. Sign up to the Telephone Preference Service (the number should be in your phone book) then any legitimate companies are not allowed to ring you. So, if you're signed up and a company rings you you'll be able to tell that they've not got their lists through legit sources because of the panic in their voice - trust me they will immediately apologise and leave you alone permanently.

[Billcat]

Before the US legislated the creatoin of "Do not call" lists, used to get a lot of junk calls. My favorite was when the telemarketing firm was using a predictive dialer. I'd answer the phone and no one would respond to my "Hello," because the dialer was delivering the call to an agent. At this point there are a number of fun things to do, because the agent will expect you to say hello again.

My favorite is to hang onto the phone and just refuse to say anything when the agent gets on the line. Another is to wait iuntil the agent says hello, then respond with "And just what are you selling today." If you are really quick, you can hang up the phone just as the agent starts to break the silence.

Used to have all sorts of very detailed questions to ask the MCI folks about the services they were selling. If they want to waste my time, I feel free waste as much of theirs as possible and to turn it into a form of entertainment!

[Billcat]

Some more suggestions (a couple of repeats, but some humorous ideas, too):

TECHNICAL DESCRIPTION: The project takes advantage of a quirk of modern technology. Many telemarketing calls begin with a brief period of silence, in which the telemarketer's automatic equipment tries to determine whether the call recipient is a likely target. You can easily learn to recognize this silence, and so be ready to implement a protocol the moment the human telemarketer is switched onto the line.


PROTOCOL: Say "hi."
DESCRIPTION: Whenever the telemarketer asks you to say anything, pause for several seconds, and then softly, plaintively, say just the word "hi." Pronounce it as if it were written in lowercase and spoken by a wispy child.

PROTOCOL: Sing from a prepared score. The quality of the singing matters not. So far we have conducted test runs using the following:
<> The complete works of Philip Glass

PROTOCOL: Say "No."
INVESTIGATOR: W.M. Clarke
DESCRIPTION: After the caller asks "May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Clarke?" I say "No." Then I wait.
RESULTS: After numerous applications of this over six months I find no change in the average response time. About 1/3 of telemarketers repeat themselves. 1/3 hang up, and 1/3 pause for ten to fifteen seconds before saying, "Uh! Ah? Oh!" and then disconnecting.

PROTOCOL: "Wait a minute"
INVESTIGATOR: G. Dryfoos
DESCRIPTION: When I get a telemarketer, I say, "Oh, good! I've been hoping you'd call. That's just what I need. How much... oh, wait, that's the door. Can you wait a minute, please?" Then I put down the phone and go about my business, using the "un-hung-up phone beeping" as a signal that they finally gave up.
RESULTS: The record so far is 15 minutes for a long-distance phone service. The median is about 4 minutes. This technique has the advantage of making all willing customers seem like possible "poisoned prey". With enough of us in the environment, it might have some effect on the predator population. One hopes.

[Billcat]

And one for those in northern reaches of the UK (or anyone with a sense of humor):


PROTOCOL: Bagpipes
INVESTIGATOR: J. Maxfield
DESCRIPTION: Put the phone down on the table. Continue playing bagpipes.
RESULTS: 100% success (one out of one cases)

More ideas:

PROTOCOL: Youth
INVESTIGATOR: A. Shapir
DESCRIPTION: Hand over the phone to your two years old child.
RESULTS: Good. The only drawback of this method is that it requires a steady supply of two years old children. Unfortunately, mine has run out (or rather, grown out).
PROTOCOL: Savings plan
INVESTIGATOR: S. Cohen
DESCRIPTION: A protocol that a Methodist minister friend suggested has been working excellently. Say "I'm so glad you've called. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?"
RESULTS: To date I have not had a single telemarketer last through "as your" - hang-up is usually within milliseconds of the end of "Christ". I have no idea what I will do if they *do* last through the whole spiel -- I am Jewish.

[John_Timmins]

One rang my house the other day so they started there rambling so i just sat the phone down and started playing the recorder to them they just carried on going so i kept on going then when they finished i just asked them what they thought, then put the phone down hehehehehe dont think she will ring back lol

[chav1]

i have often given accrington police stations phone number as a daytime contact telephone number

never had the same person call twice lol