An easy way to commit suicide...lol

[Margaret Pilkington]

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men..........................A WOMAN!

[-pixie]

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

[Margaret Pilkington]

love it, love it, love it Pixie.

[Busman747]

I COULD NOW DO WITH SOME HELP AND SUPPORT LADS, THANKS TO PIXIE, I AM BEING OUTGUNNED
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A WOMAN- - -

[Bazf]

Happy to help old mate
New Summer Seminars for Women

The Car Bonnet Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

Life Beyond Shoes

Money, The Non-Renewable Resource

How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour

Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends

How To Be A Victim Of Marketing

How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man

Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World

How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag

Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits

Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection

Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks

Where To Look When Your Car Is In Reverse

Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking

Telltales Sounds Associated With Car Collisions

Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

[Bazf]

Hope this one helps as well
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[-pixie]

_ujv='1.5';_ujv='1.4';_ujv='1.3';

A two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in:
Becoming a Real Man.
That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man.

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down - Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

[-pixie]

Training Courses Now Available for Men:
=============================

= > 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
= > 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
= > 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
= > 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
= > 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
= > 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
= > 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
= > 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
= > 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
= > 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
= > 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
= > 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
= > 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
= > 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
= > 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
= > 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
= > 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
= > 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
= > 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
= > 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
= > 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
= > 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
= > 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
= > 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
= > 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
= > 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
= > 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
= > 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
= > 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

[yerself]

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY:

1. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim ?
2. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in ?
3. A fake one will do.
4. You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job.
5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it.
6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.
7. My mother is a real old bitch.
8. No, no, you buy me too much already.
9. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy, you know I love it.
10. What headache ?
11. Put your money away, let me buy the round

[yerself]

Womens Conference


At an international woman's conference the topic for discussion was how to empower women in the home.
The first speaker was the British representative.

She stood up and said;"I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing.
After the first day I saw no result ; after the second day I still saw nothing
but after the third day he did his own washing!"

The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.
The second speaker was from America.

She stood up and said; " I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement.
After the first day I saw no result
after the second day I still saw no result
but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us!"

Again the conference applauded.
Next came the Australian delegate.

She said; "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping.
After the first day I saw nothing,after the second day I still saw nothing
but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye!!"

[stanleyultratom]

Whats the point in suicide

[WillowTheWhisp]

Er, it's a joke thread. It's like "yer takes yer life in yer hands to criticise a woman"

[Margaret Pilkington]

I still think you are ahead Pixie on points.

[sarnie boy]

A little support then
Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.
Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you do not want to hear.

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never
going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.
We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That
is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings.
Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why
MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her, together

[Margaret Pilkington]

you didnt work all that out on your own Sarnie.......you haven't lived long enough.