An easy way to commit suicide...lol - Page 5

-pixie · 09-02-2005, 21:22

MOODS OF A WOMAN
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An angel of truth and a dream of fiction
A woman is a bundle of contradiction
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house

She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse
But when he's well and can get out of bed
She'll pick up the teapot and aim for his head

Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down

She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

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MOODS OF A MAN
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Horny.

-pixie · 09-02-2005, 21:24

If Women Ran the World

A man would no longer be considered a good catch simply because he is breathing.

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

Baby-sitting, doing dishes and making beds would be considered Macho
The hem of men's pants would go up or down depending on the economy.

Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.

Minnie Mouse would get equal billing with Mickey.

Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would come with papers showing their true identity, marital and
employment status, if they live with their mother, and whether they have
had their shots.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Ms. Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be as attentive AFTER marriage as they were before.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for
none of the credit.

Little girls would read Snow White and the Seven Hunks

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of
course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep, I'll take care of
the baby, etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their
accomplishments.

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one minute.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't
pretend to be single.

During mid-life crises, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year old boys.

Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention
constantly.

After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait
on their wives hand and foot.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old
for six weeks.

A female employee would be noticed for her work performance, not her bra size.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

Margaret Pilkington · 09-02-2005, 21:31

Go get 'em Pixie!!!!!

Bazf · 09-02-2005, 22:05

Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Bazf · 09-02-2005, 22:12

A patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."