An easy way to commit suicide...lol - Page 6

WillowTheWhisp · 10-02-2005, 22:47

Any luck with these?

I think it's the way he does it. lol

-pixie · 10-02-2005, 22:51

Perfect. That club needs a few nails in it though.

Bazf · 10-02-2005, 22:55

Never give up one slip is not a defeat...... we are back

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

Bazf · 10-02-2005, 22:56

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

-pixie · 10-02-2005, 22:57

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

-pixie · 10-02-2005, 22:58

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a beautiful meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my dear, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a feast of lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so."

Bazf · 10-02-2005, 23:15

What Women dont realise and what men really mean.
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

-pixie · 10-02-2005, 23:21

BEDTIME PRAYER FOR WOMEN..

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.

One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How big is my behind?

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
in the hall, the pool, the garden and kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the **** Head you sent me instead!!!

Amen

Men are always complaining that women are suffocating them. Personally I think if you can hear them whining, you aren't pressing hard enough on the pillow.

Bazf · 10-02-2005, 23:21

Women and computers....... and why women cant fix cars

-pixie · 10-02-2005, 23:24

All too true...

-pixie · 10-02-2005, 23:25

And another one...

Bazf · 11-02-2005, 01:15

25 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women:

You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Hangovers go away
A beer label comes off without a fight
Beer is never late
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
Beer never gets a headache
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
A beer always goes down easy
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
Beer is always wet
Beer doesn't demand equality
You can have a beer in public
A beer doesn't care when you come
A frigid beer is a good beer
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

Bazf · 11-02-2005, 01:18

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

-pixie · 11-02-2005, 08:44

Reasons why its great to be female

1. We can get laid anytime we want.

2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3. We go to the loo sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk.

4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. We avoid speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.

6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.

8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.

9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is smile sweetly.

11. Men light our cigarettes for us.

12. Men hold the door open for us.

13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!).

14. We're cuter.

15. We lie better.

16. We're better manipulators.

17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.

18. We always have food in the fridge.

19. We don't worry about losing our hair.

20. We always get to choose the movie.

21. We don't have to mow the lawn.

22. We don't have to take out the rubbish.

23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. PMT - yet another excuse to bitch at men.

25. Cosmopolitan.

26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.

27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. PMT is a legal defence for murder.

29. Men are like tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.

30. We can masturbate more in a day than men can.

31. 2 words - multi orgasmic.

32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals.

33. Sweat is sexy on us

34. We never run out of excuses.

35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.

36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the tv too.

37. We get expensive jewellery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.

38. We get candy, flowers and jewellery all the time because men mess up so often.

39. We can give the look that will make any man want to cower in the corner.

40. Women are cleaner.

41.Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know).

42. We're better arguers.

43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.

44. Massage!!!!

45. Women know how to fake it..

46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.

47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men.

48. We're flexible.

49. Better Tips

50. There is no penis envy.

Busman747 · 11-02-2005, 16:39

ffffffffffffffffffff