Christmas Cracker jokes

[MargaretR]

On which side do chickens have the most feathers?
The outside.

What kind of paper likes music?
(W)rapping paper.

What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
It blew away.

What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara?
Lost.

Son: Dad, there's a man collecting for a new swimming pool.
Dad: Well, give him a glass of water.

Customer: Waiter! Waiter! What's wrong with this fish?
Waiter: Long time, no sea.

Why is it difficult to keep a secret at the North Pole?
Because your teeth chatter.

How do cows subtract?
With a cow-culator.

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because her pupils were too bright.

What do ghosts play at parties?
Haunt and seek.

Why can you never play jokes on snakes?
You can never pull their legs.

What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers.

What school subject are snakes best at?
Hiss-tory.

What did they call the crazy golfer?
A crack putt.

How do you cook sausages in the jungle?
Under a gorilla.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.

What kind of jokes does a chiropodist like?
Corny jokes.

What did the dentist say when his wife baked an apple pie?
Can I do the filling?

What sort of vegetables do plumbers fix?
Leeks.

What do you call a multi-storey pig pen?
A styscaper.

What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit.

What's the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike.

What is wet and slippery and likes Latin American music?
A conga eel.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do you think he saw us?

What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A jelly baby.

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
Tarzipan.

What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
His hoe-hoe-hoe.

How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go.

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks.

Why do bakers work so hard?
Because they knead the dough.

What's the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
Weeder's Digest.

What do you get if you cross a skeleton with a famous detective?
Sherlock Bones.

What do you get if you cross an orange with with a comedian?
Peels of laughter.

What sort of fish performs operations?
A sturgeon.

What would you get if all the cars in the USA were red ?
A red-car nation.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat ?
Centipede with sore feet.

What is green and stands in the corner ?
A naughty frog.

When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When it's going cheep.

Customer: "This steak is terrible. I want the manager."
Waiter: "Sorry sir, he isn't on the menu."

What do you call a fairy who hasn't had a wash for a week?
Stinkerbell.

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid.

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck.

Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies.

Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tired.

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl.

Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Why is Europe like a frying pan?
Because it has Greece at the bottom.

What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

Why are chocolate buttons rude?
Because they are Smarties in the nude.

What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible.

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer.

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.

Why do birds fly south in winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why did the footballer take a piece of rope on to the pitch?
He was the skipper.

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-Niles.

How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code.

What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights.

How do you hire a horse?
Stand it on four bricks.

What do ghosts eat?
Spookgetti.

What do hedgehogs eat?
Prickled onions.

What do you call two robbers?
A pair of nickers.

[flashy]

bloody hell, how many crackers have you pulled so far Margaret?

[Gayle]

What are you doing pulling your crackers so early?

[MargaretR]

It is so quiet on here tonight I had to post something
found them in a newspaper which had no news (like here)