Close Encounter of the Turd Kind.

[Less]

I was talking to wingy a couple of days ago & telling him about a time when I was repairing fruit machines & got a call to a pub in Blackburn because it was an meeting with the law the Managing Director wanted a written report below is what I told him:-


I Had a call on Sunday to a Pub in the centre of WannabeCity to fix a Fruit machine. I arrived at about 10.30 a.m., it has been a while since I last visited this place and so I didn't know that the street I was going to was being pedestrianised. I had of course approached the street from the wrong direction and found that this end of it was completely blocked off, I could see through the fencing that although the pavements and tarmac had been ripped apart as if by the I.R.A. there was still a part of the roadway remaining leading up to the door of the Pub.
All I needed to do was negotiate my way through the seemingly endless one-way streets to the other side of town and I would be able to reach my goal, (estimated time Five minutes, actual time Seventeen minutes). Eventually I got to the opening in the wire fencing and started to drive in, the width of the remaining road was enough for a large wagon so I could negotiate it with ease though due to the rough surface I was taking my time.
It was at this moment I had my first sighting of W.P.C. Lemming she is not what you would call a tall woman perhaps five feet but she was BIG, she could have been used as a bung to keep the water out of the Titanic! She was accompanied by a young Rookie Cop of six feet seven inches to whom she was obviously showing the ropes on how to be an alert member of the Constabulary. She had just been talking into his navel when, without looking she stepped off the pavement into the path of the only car travelling in WannabeCity at that moment and we all know which idiot was driving it don't we?

Fortunately as I have already said due to the roads unique surface I was travelling slow enough to treat her as a roundabout and squeeze past her. Although surprised by the sudden approach of this small but rotund mass I shrugged my shoulders and thought myself lucky that it was raining otherwise it would have seemed like an eclipse.

I carried on the fifty yards along the road and parked outside the Pub, sighs of relief at having finally reached my destination were short lived when I looked in my driving mirror and saw W.P.C. Lemming waddling at great pace (do Lemmings waddle?) towards me closely pursued by Rookie Cop. She was actually shouting "stop, halt, go no further". Now I don't want to give you the wrong impression but excuse me, where could I go? I had already turned my engine off and I was enclosed on three sides by metal fencing!

I'm sure it must be the same for you but with me no matter what the circumstances are when I encounter a member of the Police no matter how innocent I might be I always feel GUILTY, I immediately went through a mental check list, is the car taxed? Has it got an M.O.T.? Is the spare tyre legal? Are my flies undone? (Well you never know do you?).
A vision, well, more like a version, yes, a female version of Ronnie Barker (complete with moustache) appears a-tapping, a-rapping upon my drivers door. My second encounter with W.P.C. Lemming and close up it shows that she didn't get where she is today by being a Fairy Godmother, (Is it just coincidence? The numbers on her epaulettes are 666) She's not just small she's an Ethnic Minority all by herself, she's not African Black nor is she Asian brown, she's Afrisian!
From this figure booms forth a very practiced Police Authority voice, which says, "Wind Your Window Down Please Sirr", and means "Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Am I Going To Make You Squirm!" At this moment Rookie Cop catches up having disentangled himself from his truncheon and standing a respectful distance behind and to one side of W.P.C. Lemming with his hand squeezed gently but firmly around his can of Mace, paying keen attention to what is about to unfold before him, (yes, I too think his learning curve is about to shoot through the roof).
I press the button to wind down the window and smile sickly at W.P.C. Lemming when NOTHING happens, a moments confusion and then I realise I need the ignition on to open the window, I reach for the key and W.P.C. Lemming prepares to throw herself once more in front of my car growling, "You won't get away from me that easily ". I shout through the window in a voice that is going up and down two or three octaves at a time that I am only going to open the window.
Realisation as to what I am doing, and triumph at having thwarted a possible attempt to evade the law causes W.P.C. Lemming's over-ample chest to heave with pride, (a few inches closer and the pressure from those things would have shattered the glass thus negating any need whatsoever to open the damn window!). Now it is really going to start, I prepare myself as best I can, but for what? Does she think that I was at fault for her lack of attention?
She has now got herself mentally prepared for the business at hand, which is to make me feel as small and insecure as possible. The Voice is in control again, "Good Morning Sirr, I and my colleague saw you come into this area," at which point I'm thinking, "no you didn't you lying bitch, you didn't know I was here until I nearly ran you down". I smile and say "Oh yes?". She looks with an expression that would cool the stones in the Devils scrotum and I know that I must not interrupt again until I have her permission, "As I was saying Sirr, I and my colleague saw you come into this area and I wonder Sirr, did you see the ROAD CLOSED sign?" "Yes Constable." I whisper, whilst at the same time suddenly finding myself back in the primary school play-ground hopping from one foot to the other with embarrassment as Miss Todd is telling me not to play kiss-chase with the girls as its too rough and to only do it with the boys in future. (Wow, I'm glad I didn't take that lecture to heart!).
I suddenly realise where I am and that I, even though I am nearly fifty, am sat in this car head hung low and wishing I could hop from foot to foot to relieve this agony, but this is not allowed, the police have developed a way of talking down to you by ensuring that you never leave the car. I lift my head slightly and gaze across the space between myself and W.P.C. Lemming straight into her eyes and realise that even sat down in a car I am taller than she is, and well, well, if it isn't Miss Todd come back to haunt me, after all these years.
I glance over her shoulder and eyeball Rookie Cop and can see that he too has a mental image of this woman as a primary school teacher. This causes me to laugh inside with those deep uncontrollable shudders that you used to get when you were being told off but can't take it seriously.
Lemming (Sod the W.P.C.) sees the shaking and thinks she has the upper hand, but Rookie Cop knows different and has moved several paces away attempting to cough to hide the fact the he has also lost control.
I have missed only a small portion of Lemming's diatribe but she has now reached the important bit. "This road has been closed to protect pedestrians," Excuse me? I'm thinking, there's only you and Rookie Cop out here you silly Bitch! She Then continues with "...and of course the workers laying the new road," (Hang on is this Woman for real? What Workers? It's 10.30 in the morning on Sunday there are no workers!). ".... Which is why we must make sure Sirr that you Recognise and obey such signs as the one you BLATANTLY IGNORED", this was said with such relish and enthusiasm that the saliva started to dribble down from the corner of her mouth, "...Namely Sirr, ROAD CLOSED."
At this point I, unlike Rookie Cop had found some composure, (he was playing with his radio trying very hard to get a time-check from base in an attempt to make it seem that this was very serious). I was able at last to string together a few coherent words, looking Lemming Straight in the face, I said "Yes Constable I think I understand now what you mean, for example I need to recognise that NO ENTRY sign over there and act accordingly, and also the WAITING LIMITED Signs by the curb,"
Lemming is overjoyed she has me; I'm like putty in her hands the power she feels now that she has put this stupid member of the public onto the correct way of thinking. (Thank God the window is still open the heaving bosom is uncontrollable), "Yes," she says, "I think you are getting the idea."
I speak softly to Lemming now in a voice of one who has strayed but is glad to have been returned to the fold, "There is of course one other sign that I think is important and I'm sure you will agree." "What sign is that?" She squeaks enraptured in her own sense of well being.
"Why," I say, "The one next to the ROAD CLOSED Sign that you hold in such great import." " Oh, " She squeals, "DO tell me please, I can't see it from here".
I hesitate, it has taken so long to get to this point and to end it now will bring such feelings of pleasure and pain, "That one to the right of the ROAD CLOSED Sign, the one that reads EXCEPT FOR ACCESS.

[mez]

you again less, sure it was'nt the dog in disguise ha ha ha

[Busman747]

Brilliant, when is the full novel due to be released? I will be first in the queue