Dedicated to drink....

[lettie]

Hehehehe You wouldn't happen to have the number of the nearest drying out clinic would you??

[sarnie boy]

another few reasons...
U try 2 fall on the floor and miss
u get locked in asda and nearly die of starvation

[Sparkologist]

Originally Posted by lettie

Hehehehe You wouldn't happen to have the number of the nearest drying out clinic would you??

Dear oh dear! Have you wet the bed again

[lettie]

You cheeky beggar..

[Sparkologist]

This is why it can be considered beneficial to drink...


The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

[Sparkologist]

Famous drink quotations

"It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember whether it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

"Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini..." - Mae West

"A psychologist once said that we know little about the co nscience - except that it is soluble in alcohol." - Thomas Blackburn

"The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." - Yeats

"One more drink and I'd have been under the host." - Dorothy Parker

"I'm not so think as you drunk I am !" - John Squire

"If love makes the world go around, then whisky makes it go around twice as fast!" - Compton Mackenzie

"You're not drunk unless you can lie on the floor without holding on !" - Dean Martin

"After drinking four Martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether." - Anonymous

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." - W.C.Fields

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.” - Ernest Hemingway

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” - W.C. Fields

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading !!!” - Henny Youngman

“Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?” - Stephen Wright

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” - Brian O’Rourke

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” - Benjamin Franklin

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.” - by Jack Handy

[Sparkologist]

Drinking Symptoms .


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

[Sparkologist]

Dear Alcohol...

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, & you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.


1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a
fact they do not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal but why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips. (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures:
This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable
balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't
like when I'm sober. Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles:
If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m -hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you from your biggest fan.

[Sparkologist]

Now the Season to be Jolly is looming, I thought it appropriate to share one of life's little secrets with you:

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe:

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 pack of butter
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts (to taste)
1 gallon whiskey

Method:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup of butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl. Chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsiticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the bloody hell likes fruitcake anyway? Sleep tight!

If, for any reason you are unsatisfied with the results, please allow at least a week before attempting to repeat this recipe. Warn your GP, or call an ambulance beforehand if at all possible. Whatever happens, it's your own fault! Litigation would be unsuccessful! If you feel the need for happiness after more than two failed attempts, you could always re-cycle the empties. That should make you feel good about yourself. Or, perhaps not. Sweet dreams!

[Darby]

Who left the cork out of my breakfast....W C Fields

[fibi]

Taurus is definately right

[slinky]

CANCER

Drinking style
Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. Keep in mind once started, a Cancer never stops... drinking.


Omg lettie........just found this, and how true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's me to T....he he he

[Ber999T]

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gonna have to read this when off duty!!! very nearly wet meself reading some of the posts


OMG do I see meself in there somewhere!!!!!

will post again when
1 eyes dry
2 have had time to read them all
3 had a bit to drink (so warning spelling maybe worse that normal LOL)

:engsmil:

[Tinkerbelle]

LIBRA

Drinking style
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

Trademark cocktails
Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.


OMG ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ that is sooo embarrassinly true!!

The 6 * hangover was disturbingly real too !!



What a brilliant thread it had me in stitches laughing!!!



No. 83 You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse. <<<< that's always been my excuse!!!

[wayneyboy1942]

I've cut down on my drinking!!! I don't drink when I'm asleep!
Frank Sinatra used to say "If you don't wake up with an hangover,then thats the best your going to feel all day!!!"
There's many a good reason for drinking,but one hasnt enterd my head!!!!
but if you don't have a drink when your living then you blubby well can't when your dead!!!!!!!
Cheers