Dedicated to drink....

[lettie]

The demon drink..... Put your beer related stuff in here

The Pisces one rings true.... (yikes!!!)




ARIES

Drinking style
Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

Trademark cocktails
Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it.

Drinking buddies
Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore, Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon

TAURUS

Drinking style
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

Trademark cocktails
Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal. More macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack and Coke or whiskey sour.

Drinking buddies
Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz, William Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee Zellweger

GEMINI

Drinking style
Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

Trademark cocktails
Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks -- those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double), are particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map, ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather noir. Gemini rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift.

Drinking buddies
George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue, Morrissey

CANCER

Drinking style
Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. Keep in mind once started, a Cancer never stops... drinking.

Trademark cocktails
Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine -- any booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda. Though a six-pack of bud will do.

Drinking buddies
Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince William

LEO

Drinking style
Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish Lion to make it up to you the next day.

Trademark cocktails
Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of course.

Drinking buddies
Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha Stewart, Andy Warhol

VIRGO

Drinking style
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

Trademark cocktails
Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like vodka tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking anything -- from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found it, however.

Drinking buddies
Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe, Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin

LIBRA

Drinking style
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

Trademark cocktails
Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.

Drinking buddies
Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, Catherine Zeta-Jones

SCORPIO

Drinking style
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

Trademark cocktails
Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's sweet taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal, serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em -- though red wine will do the trick just as well.

Drinking buddies
Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Bill Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath, RuPaul

SAGITTARIUS

In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

Trademark cocktails
A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice pear cider right about now, come to think of it.

Drinking buddies
The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears

CAPRICORN

Drinking style
Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

Trademark cocktails
Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an old-fashioned just fine -- or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a gimlet -- or any other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste like alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients. However, they like the flavor of cranberry and will order a cosmo if they can handle the wait for it to get mixed.

Drinking buddies
Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin Luther King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard Nixon, Elvis Presley

AQUARIUS

Drinking style
Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

Trademark cocktails
Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of: a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty martini.

Drinking buddies
Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah Winfrey, Elijah Wood

PISCES

Drinking style
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.

Trademark Cocktails
Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three -- though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked cocoa).

Drinking buddies
Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor

[lettie]

Drug Warning;

Sat 22nd May 2004 Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and
unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered
a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called
"beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug
is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few
units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached
sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform
sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never
normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with
only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their
life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship.." It has
been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd
enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men
are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered
and sex is offered by the predatory female.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the
predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly
affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "football grounds" in
the yellow pages

[Len]

Nice 0ne.

Hell, that lot must of taken some time to type up.

[ellie]

Piecies is deffinately true lettie. im a pieces and it suits me to the ground hehehehe

[lettie]

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock
a buzzard off a truck at 100 yards.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and
over again until your
friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK
while photocopying your bum at the office Christmas party.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened
to your pants
anyway.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the
forehead.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more
handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named
"Big Al."

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
not.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

[janet]

All the above are very true.

[Sparkologist]

WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally
disappear.


Is this the same as being abducted by Space Aliens? Because that definitely happens after eleventeen pints of beer. I've taken a trip around the galaxy on numerous occasions

[lettie]

How many of these have you had? I will admit to a 4 (when Roy came over) Thanks Roy....


1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and
when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka
redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as
parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger
and a side of fries.

2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but
you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you
hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which
is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour
about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all
you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the
net and writing junk e-mails.


3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and
not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her
perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your
alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would
be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts
and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed
once.


4 star hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted
you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth
have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and
your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class
picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following: Home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.



5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would
take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right
now.Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called
in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe
......very gently.


6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you
were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until
the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been
cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter
what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed
and now
find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the
skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures,
you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you
spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of
walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies,
cuddling the
only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly
continuing to
make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this
stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and
your
abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes
back to
bed, leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your
spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body
won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself
inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your
mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the
day as
you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into
bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept
their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to
the hospital. Work is not an option.

[janet]

Number 6 rings a bell with me on more than one occasion, i dont drink that much now. I find that to be the best cure.

[Sparkologist]

Drunken Confessions.

Found this cautionary tale on a website that is dedicated to the demon drink, and what happens when it renders us incapable...

On the weekend of the Fourth of July 2000 some girl friends and I decided to get out and raise some hell, no men allowed. We got all dressed up and went to a couple of bars and just had a lot of fun dancing and drinking; a lot of drinking. I know we were doing a lot of dancing and the rules were no men, so needless to say at our last bar we were thrown out, I can remember the man telling me as he walked us to the door... we don't allow behaviour of that kind in here. Take your girl friend and go home, finish her there. My question is what in the hell was I doing to her and how bad was it, well come to find out I was sucking her tit right out on the dance floor with my hands in her pants... wow, no more vodka for this dixie chick at least not out in public, I still laugh about it today wondering what all the men thought and how much they would have paid to watched me finish her off as the man had stated! Needless to say she and I still wonder what it would be like to do each other, we just have not gotten drunk enough to find out... YET!

You can rest easy girls, no need to hold your hand up. This tawdry little tale was posted from the USA.

[lettie]

Good Grief!!!! Don't think I've ever been that drunk (or desperate)...

[mez]

hey lettie just got round to reading the drunk scope & its a perfect for the scorpian that i am (shhs) dont tell //

[Sparkologist]

This sounds like a regular Sunday session with the Accywebbers...



THE DRINKER'S ALPHABET

A - Alcohol: The key to surviving college.
B - Beer: The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging.
C - Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.
D - Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.
E - Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 19 in your drinking party.
F - ****ed Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G - Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, quarters, and chugging beers.
H - Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
I - Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party.
J - Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to either use a fake ID or stagger home.
K - Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L - Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
M - Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N - Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.
O - Officer: Person usually responsible for ending any party, tending to show up most often at parties where no one is 19.
P - Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer.
Q - Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning (YUCK!)
R - Reform: What you promise God you will do while you're puking in the toilet.
S - Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T - Ten: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk.
U - Underage: Most of the drinking population at any given college.
V - Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour.
W - Worm: The part of tequila that reminds you of biology class tomorrow.
X - X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.
Y - Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.
Z - Zoned: Your condition for the next 12 hours following drinking.

[Sparkologist]

A bit of scientific advice about alcoholic oblivion...


What happens when a person loses consciousness from consuming large doses of alcohol?

What are the dos and don’ts of a black out? How do you protect yourself and others, too? We at the Yearning Annex feel that, while there is an abundance of information explaining the many ways to avoid a blackout, there is little said about how to comport yourself while in the midst of one.

Which is why we are offering a new course called, “Black Out Strategies for the Beginning Alcoholic.”

As a bartender, your qualified instructor (Mr. Edwin Decker) has served up thousands of blackouts. He also has more than 20 years worth of experience as a full-time rummy, having fallen off countless bar stools, sat in the back of countless police cruisers and experienced every color in the blackout rainbow—such as the “Gray-Out,” the “White-Out,” the “Black-and-Blue-Out” (when you wake to find bruises all over you body and no memory of how they got there) and, of course, the wretched” Green-Out” (when you wake to find that all that remains of your rent money are some crumpled ones, a fiver and a guacamole-stained Roberto’s receipt).

Decker has written many articles on the subject of Aggravated Alcoholic Amnesia. His most recent—”Tips, Hints and Strategies toward a More Manageable Blackout”—will be covered in the course, as well as selected chapters from his new suspense novel, Oh Man, Why Am I Naked, and Bleeding, and Taped to the Dumpster Again?

“Alcohol wreaks havoc on the part of the brain that converts short-term memories into the long term,” explains Decker. “It’s called the hippocampus, and enough booze will render it entirely inoperative; hence the memory loss. This is why, for instance, a drunkard incessantly repeats himself—because he can’t store the memory of having said it in the first place. This is valuable information because it means that you don’t actually lose your consciousness in a blackout after all, and can therefore create a strategy to manage it.”

Tips and Hints on Strategies to a More Manageable Blackout.

1. Learn to recognize your blackout. One way to do this is play billiards. Blackout victims can never remember what they are shooting. So, if you’re looking at that table and can’t remember if that ball you just sank was the type of ball with the stripy thing down the middle or the type of ball without the stripy thing down the middle—chances are that you are already inside the mouth of the great, black whale of memory loss.

2. Remain inconspicuous. Once blackout has been identified, the objective is to not draw attention to yourself. This means...

3. No Dancing. Your inability to store memory will cause you to repeat the same, awful dance move over and over and over and over and over—like the proverbial one-armed man rowing in circles. It’s best to just avoid dancing altogether.

4. No insulting other customers. Chances are, it’s now the eighth time you called that biker, “a rock-witted, ass-puke who balls farm animals just to hear the funny noises they make.”

5. No leaning back on stool. Your memory dysfunction doesn’t allow you to remember that you are already leaning back on your stool and that leaning any further back on your stool will likely lead to a Falling Off Stool (FOS) episode.

6. When FOS episode is imminent. Always remember to stand up immediately afterward, brush yourself off and mutter something about how you are “grieving over a tragic loss in the family.”

7. No more Mack Daddy moves. You cannot mack out in a blackout.

8. Run now, ask questions later. If you hear a great crash, start running immediately. It just might have been you who threw that pool ball through the back bar mirror. Your hippocampus is so boiled, it is entirely reasonable to believe that you are the reason there is an overturned cocktail table at your feet and the bouncers are storming your way. Run now, ask questions later.

9. Check yourself. If and when you are confronted by a bouncer or a cop, and he/she is saying something to you like, “Drop the knife mister,” please take a moment to check yourself, thus decreasing the chance that you might further wreck yourself. Are you brandishing any broken bottles, knives or splintered pool cues in either hand? Have you taken a hostage? I know you don’t remember doing anything strange, but just humor me and look. If you find that your fingers are tightly wrapped around the handle of steak knife, I recommend you set it down gently, mutter something about a tragic death in your family and exit quickly.--Edwin Decker

[Sparkologist]

Tick the ones that are true...


Top 83 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
30 Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39 If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
41 The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43 You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46 You drink to get over a hangover.
47 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.
49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51 You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
53 You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
54 I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57 You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59 You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
60 Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63 when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67 Do you <your name> take this woman.....
68 You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
69 You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71 Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72 You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73 Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74 Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76 Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77 You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79 You like SPAM.
80 You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82 I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. <hic> Pash me another, tarbender.
83 You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.


Did your pen run out of ink?