How To Be a Woman

West Ender · 19-08-2009, 16:49

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl knickers and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullsh@t!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has tyres or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

Sara · 19-08-2009, 17:15

Like it. Can agree with most of them.

Retlaw · 19-08-2009, 18:32

MALE .VS. FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the
Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing
new
Drive-through Cash machines enabling
customers to withdraw
cash without leaving
their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research,
MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender..'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Apply handbrake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate purseand place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in debit note book and place receipt in back of note
book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull
off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release handbrake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Retlaw.

Gayle · 19-08-2009, 20:45

How to be a man

1. Talk in jargon, the more complicated the better, ladies love that.
2. Scratch whatever part of you itches, when it itches, there’s no need wait for a moment of privacy.
3. Don’t bother braking slowly when approaching a roundabout, go as fast as you can then see if you can screech the brakes when you get there.
4. In fact, just drive as fast as you can all the time, even if you’re only going 100yards you can still try to reach 60mph
5. Don’t bother indicating, just switch lanes. The woman in the car behind is psychic, she’ll know what you’re about to do.
6. Don’t put the toilet seat down in the middle of the night.
7. Don’t bother with a diary, someone will remind you where you’re supposed to be going closer to the time.
8. Never, ever talk about your feelings to your wife/girlfriend
9. Never, ever talk about your feelings to your best friend either.
10. In need of a support group – go to the football on a Saturday afternoon, there’s 1,000s of men there.

Lilly · 19-08-2009, 21:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gayle

How to be a man

1. Talk in jargon, the more complicated the better, ladies love that.
2. Scratch whatever part of you itches, when it itches, there’s no need wait for a moment of privacy.
3. Don’t bother braking slowly when approaching a roundabout, go as fast as you can then see if you can screech the brakes when you get there.
4. In fact, just drive as fast as you can all the time, even if you’re only going 100yards you can still try to reach 60mph
5. Don’t bother indicating, just switch lanes. The woman in the car behind is psychic, she’ll know what you’re about to do.
6. Don’t put the toilet seat down in the middle of the night.
7. Don’t bother with a diary, someone will remind you where you’re supposed to be going closer to the time.
8. Never, ever talk about your feelings to your wife/girlfriend
9. Never, ever talk about your feelings to your best friend either.
10. In need of a support group – go to the football on a Saturday afternoon, there’s 1,000s of men there.

Why, why, why do they do the second one on this list?

If we scratched ourselves like that in front of them they'd be appalled.