How To Make A Straight To T.V. Christmas B Movie.

[Less]

First of all lets consider the plot. This needs to be a heart wrenching over sweet story about believing, not ordinary believing, but insanely optimistic believing, it must never start off believing it must always start off disbelieving until the final 5 minutes when even the villain of the piece ( a mean business man, a hard-hearted judge, a rich and callous maiden aunt that is bitter because she was left at the alter on Christmas Eve 50 odd years ago and hasn't ever done a kind thing since) believes.

I know it's about Christmas but, whatever you do, you must keep religion out of it, no-one wants to upset minorities at a time like this so best to stick to does Father Christmas exist or not?

Main Characters:-

If a married couple they need to be middle class so that they can waste plenty of money whilst in competition with their neighbours over the decorations in the gardens.

If single they really, really, must be a widow or widower, no unmarried parents allowed. Their deceased partner will have died early of Cancer, road accident delivering presents to the needy or have burnt to death trying to rescue a young child's hamster from a towering inferno so severe the firemen's helmets were melting at a distance of 100 yards.

If single female she is lower class, not that she was born lower class she has become lower class because her ner do well, adulterous, drunken husband hasn't paid her a penny towards the upkeep of their three children since before the painful divorce, (this is the only scenario which can involve divorce, no man can be divorced and looking after the kids because the male is always the anti-hero in these circumstances).

If single male, he has built a shrine where his heart used to be dedicated to his dear departed spouse, if you wish to be daring you can have him rejecting his child as well though that isn't recommended better that he is seen to pile lots of love and kisses onto the child. He was a successful and kind hearted small business owner but is about to become unemployed due to neglecting his store and a rival is planning an underhand take over bid.

The child:-

Here we have two choices, a boy or a girl best age well the best age seems to be just after they have lost the two front milk teeth, this makes them cutesy when they try to pronounce their 'R's'.

Male or female the adult actors must be tolerant of the fact that whenever they appear these kids are going to steal the scene so don't employ anyone that has appeared in an adventure movie and been shown how to use firearms.

Again no sexual preference really all that is needed is for the child to be so sickeningly good even with the bully from school, that no court in the land would put forward a guilty verdict if a parent from the real world was to grab them by the neck and wish them a happy Christmas, (because their kids are nothing like that).

Extra Characters:-

You will need at least one of the following.

A man in a red suit and white beard that is too happy for his own good, a natural talent of being able to tempt children away from their parents just so he can share a special secret with the child should be avoided, (this isn't that type of movie).

A retired Black man or woman (if female she must be 4' 3" tall and 5' 7" wide) he calls to care for the garden every week even though it's covered in 3 foot of snow, she calls to make Christmas dinner for al d'em white folks even though her multi-millionaire son Barak Obama invites her to the white house to have lunch with the family every year.

The Goofy best friend of the mother, she doesn't actually do anything for the plot she just makes the actress playing the mother seem a little more attractive than any amount of make up could do.

Most important, the background music, no happy medium here I have to go with the more recent Christmas films and have someone practising on a piano in the background only reaching a crescendo at the most dramatic moments to drown out whatever is being said on-screen.

Of course a film like this won't ever win an Oscar, but it will keep a large number of unemployed actors off the street with their begging bowls so that the rest of us can enjoy the Holiday season.

If this gets a like, without a sarcastic comment from anyone, I will have had my own personal Christmas Miracle.

[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by Less

If this gets a like, without a sarcastic comment from anyone, I will have had my own personal Christmas Miracle.

You've certainly got far too much time on your hands mate!

[Less]

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany

You've certainly got far too much time on your hands mate!

I know, I had to watch the beginning and end five minutes of three TV movies to gain the knowledge I now have no need for, so I thought, why suffer alone let everyone share the joy.

[Eric]

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany

You've certainly got far too much time on your hands mate!

Me too ... I actually read it

[Less]

Originally Posted by Eric

Me too ... I actually read it

Only once? I had to read it three times because my proof reader got half way through, was sick in a bucket and then hung herself!

[Eric]

Originally Posted by Less

Only once? I had to read it three times because my proof reader got half way through, was sick in a bucket and then hung herself!

Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

[Less]

Originally Posted by Eric

Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

No I haven't, but do tell this is anything goes and I'm on the edge of my seat, (due to the fact that my plastic surgeon removed my buttocks when doing a funny bone enhancement). Mick reckons that guy was so bad he couldn't tell my arse from my elbow!

[Less]

GREAT NEWS!!!

I've just had an e-mail from a leading American film Company, they want to buy the rights to this thread for $50!

It seems they plan to turn it into a training manual for any writers they employ in the future!

[Eric]

[QUOTE=Less;1156297]GREAT NEWS!!!

I've just had an e-mail from a leading American film Company, they want to buy the rights to this thread for $50!

It seems they plan to turn it into a training manual for any writers they employ in the future!

As long as they employ only Vogons.

[Less]

HHGTTG, I love the vogans poetry.

[Less]

How did predictive text change that? Vogons!

[Margaret Pilkington]

Originally Posted by Less

GREAT NEWS!!!

I've just had an e-mail from a leading American film Company, they want to buy the rights to this thread for $50!

It seems they plan to turn it into a training manual for any writers they employ in the future!

I think they are overpaying you Less.

[Barrie Yates]

Sorry Less too sentimental - there needs to be a school massacre in there some where, maybe carried out by religious fanatics, a bombing of a family planning clinic and perhaps a killer virus that is killing off all the buffalo - and finally the ground crew failing to fill up Air Force One and it crashes in Antarctica where BO was visiting the penguins.

[Less]

Sorry Barrie you are getting ahead of the game there, all those subjects are covered in training manual II:-

How To Make A Straight To TV Disaster Movie.

It may be a while before you see that one on here I'm negotiating via my overseas agent how much my fee will be for that one.

Also Hammer House of Horrors are showing an interest in my British Cinema guide:-

How to write a straight to the waste paper basket vampire movie
starring the Chuckle brothers,
bit of a writers block on that one.

[Eric]

I wouldn't mind a mindless writing job ... something I could do from home, drunk. And to get in the right frame of mind, I'm watching WWE ...