In The Beginning

[West Ender]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............. Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what [censored] you.

[Royboy39]

I think that tops anything jambutty posts by a mile?

[mthead]

Hahahaha that sounds so true

[cashman]

love it west ender, not only that its true.

[Padiham Lass]

Originally Posted by West Ender

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what [censored] you.

1. Japanese diet high in fish, vegetables, seaweed and fruit
2. Mexican diet high in beans, corn, tomatoes, avocados, pumpkin and chillies.
3. Chinese diet high in lightly cooked vegetables, rice, soya, meat and fish. Traditionally low dairy consumption although this is changing).
4. Italian diet high in olive oil (omega 3), garlic tomatoes and red wine.
5. German diet? must be all the sauerkraut and the great variety of real breads.
6. French diet, wide variety of foods but smaller portion sizes, garlic, olive oil and possibly s*x.
The key to good health seems to be the lack of processed foods and the right balance of fresh ingredients.

[derekgas]

Seems we have more variety than the rest of the world, maybe a ploy to keep the government from taxing favoured items, as they have a tendency to do.

[emamum]

Originally Posted by Padiham Lass

6. French diet, wide variety of foods but smaller portion sizes, garlic, olive oil and possibly s*x.
.

also known to make women put on loads of weight tho lol

[jambutty]

Originally Posted by West Ender

In the beginning God covered the ........ blah! blah! balh! ........ English is apparently what [censored] you.

Yes highly amusing but there is one problem. You haven’t credited the author of that piece so the implication is that you are the author.

Tck! Tck! That’s naughty! It’s called Plagiarism. But you are not alone in claiming by default that you wrote the piece. I’ve only found two who make it clear that in posting the prose it was written by someone else.

Author unknown
http://educate-yourself.org/cn/inthebeginning19feb04.shtml
Feb. 19,2004

http://www.wer-weiss-was.de/theme204/article3794211.html
(Autor: Νіkοѕ, Frage gestellt vor 1 Jahr 9 Monaten 7 Tagen )

[jambutty]

Originally Posted by Royboy39

I think that tops anything jambutty posts by a mile?

I didn’t realise that posting on this forum was a competition as to who is best at this that and the other, has the most karma, is in the largest clique etc. Rather naively I thought that this was a forum for discussions and comments about aspects of life. I must reappraise my assessment.

By the way West Ender, don’t worry the sisterhood clique will be along pretty soon to bolster your shattered ego, make excuses for you and hurl abuse at me for daring to expose a plagiarist and not for the first time too.

However West Ender’s post, even if it is plagiarised, does make mincemeat of your efforts RoyBoy39.

But I can match it although it has never been published except on my own web site and maybe on Ciao, DooYou, Mouthshut and Written By Me (now defunct)

WHAT IS A CAT?
by James Buckley.
Copyright 3rd April 1995.

PROLOGUE
In the early fifties there was a proliferation of monologues performed to background music that extolled the virtues and vices of, a son, daughter, mother, father, dog and even a horse. This genre of anecdote, mainly recorded by Americans for Americans, found it’s way across the Atlantic where it was reasonably well received by the more sentimental inhabitants still trying to get over the ravages of a six year war that all but destroyed those same inhabitants.

Usually labelled “What Is A Something?” it reminded the listener that in spite of all the trials and tribulations that life can inflict onto the inhabitants of this planet, each subject had some endearing and deserving feature which always outweighed and sometimes excused the lesser liked facets of character.

As far as I am aware no such prose was ever written about the cat. So in order to redress the balance a little, here is my epitaph to the humble house cat.

WHAT IS A CAT?
Of all the world’s dwellers, a cat is perhaps the most widespread and least understood character of them all. Within wide boundaries, it is of uniform appearance, yet each individual animal has it’s own character and personality which is generally somewhere between Florence Nightingale and Attila The Hun, depending on the cat’s current outlook on life.

A cat can be of any colour or breed, yet it observes the same attitude of independence as has been it’s feature for countless centuries. A cat is an enigma with a secret that has not been deciphered by the human race and never will be until such times as the feline deigns to allow it’s mystery to be resolved. A cat is master in it’s own house and bows to the will of no one yet appears to show a subservience to humans, but only until after it has eaten.

It can be found in, out of, around, on top of and next to houses, farms and dwelling places of humans where it exercises almost mystical control over those beings. A cat can be found on the roof of an adjoining shed when the sun is at it’s warmest, on the softest and warmest seat in the house and under the cook’s feet when some succulent piece of meat is being carved. A cat has many secret hiding places where it can rest in peace or hide when some strange nightly ritual forces humans to put the cat out for the night.

A cat loves play, good food, creamy milk and the softness and warmth of a human bed, particularly a child’s bed. A cat hates cold, snow and ice even though it’s luxurious fur is perfect as a warming blanket against the coldest of nights. In spite of being able to swim almost as well as any fish, a cat hates water and getting wet, yet will play with a dripping tap to the endless amusement of watching children.

As a kitten, a cat is a fighting, spitting, scratching bundle of lively fur only too ready to demolish whatever is in sight and then feign injured innocence as it is scolded and temporarily banished, whilst the mayhem has been brought back under human control. As a kitten, a cat is inquisitiveness on four legs and curiosity with an air of righteousness as it demolishes a newly decorated Xmas tree. As a kitten, anything and everything is a pretend mouse to be chased and harassed over every single inch of house room until it moves in for the kill.

In centuries past a cat was seen as a God, a Devil, a lucky omen and a harbinger of evil and terror. In ancient Egypt a cat was revered and often mummified before being laid to rest in it’s own sarcophagus. In other lands a cat was and still is a source of food for the poor and a delicacy for the rich, whilst elsewhere the mere thought of eating a cat brings revulsion to the fore.

A cat will suffer being picked up, squeezed, pushed and even kicked away by thoughtless humans with no more than a look or pure disdain. Yet when those same humans have suffered a loss or been involved in some tragedy, the cat will unstintingly offer selfless love, affection and comfort matched by no other. In times of stress of it’s humans, a cat is a paragon of virtue and good manners and will freely give it’s love and affection in an attempt to make the human’s life just that little bit better. The softness of a cat’s fur and the mellow sound of it’s contented purring will, in some magical way, soothe and comfort. A cat will bring solace and joy to it’s masters whilst at the same time creating mayhem and confusion while chasing a mouse or playing with children.

A cat will readily forgive, not once but many times, any minor misdemeanours committed against it. But should it be badly mistreated a cat will turn it’s back on the offending individual even if it means living off the land and sleeping in cold and draughty places.

When it is secure in it’s surroundings, a cat will eat it’s food with a daintiness matched only by some young lady at the end of her final year at some exclusive finishing school in Switzerland. At other times a cat will devour it’s food as if there was no tomorrow and growl and hiss when someone approaches, even if it is one of it’s own kittens that hasn’t been weaned yet.

Yet in spite of all the problems that relationships with humans brings to a cat, the humble moggie is adored by most hated by some and tolerated by a few. Yet who could deny a place by a warm fire and a meal to an animal that loves humans just so long as they know their place.

[Less]

Originally Posted by jambutty

Please excuse me while I shorten your post,

Garbage, Garbage & ever so extended Garbage,

Admitted it isn't an exact quote but it sums up this and most of your elongated rant filled posts, have you a secret agreement with Roy? Is he paying you so much a word? If so you must be making a fortune, I know he's been a little unhappy with the way accyweb seems to be going but I didn't realise he was paying you to close the site down!

It will save him a fortune, all the other sites he runs don't cause anywhere near as many problems as this one, perhaps he's had enough and thinks you are the answer, let the Butt run riot then I can remove this thorn in my side without the members blaming me. It seems to have worked for Blackburn and I know he'll sleep better without accyweb, because of the standards you are dragging it to!

[keetah992000]

lol oh dear

[jambutty]

Originally Posted by Less

Admitted it isn't an exact quote but it sums up this and most of your elongated rant filled posts, have you a secret agreement with Roy? Is he paying you so much a word? If so you must be making a fortune, I know he's been a little unhappy with the way accyweb seems to be going but I didn't realise he was paying you to close the site down!

It will save him a fortune, all the other sites he runs don't cause anywhere near as many problems as this one, perhaps he's had enough and thinks you are the answer, let the Butt run riot then I can remove this thorn in my side without the members blaming me. It seems to have worked for Blackburn and I know he'll sleep better without accyweb, because of the standards you are dragging it to!

Garbage has a use.

A none entity like yourself does not.

The blurp for this folder reads:
Anything goes.....well, you'll get away with more here than anywhere else on Accyweb! But remember, we are a child friendly forum!

I guess it has to be to cater for the children masquerading as adults and their childish behaviour.

[Less]

Originally Posted by jambutty

Garbage has a use.

A none entity like yourself does not.

The blurp for this folder reads:
Anything goes.....well, you'll get away with more here than anywhere else on Accyweb! But remember, we are a child friendly forum!

I guess it has to be to cater for the children masquerading as adults and their childish behaviour.

I would agree wholeheartedly that I am a none entity if it had been anyone else but you calling me that, I upset you, good I'm glad because you upset so many other members, my inbox has to be emptied every other day because people ask how is J.B. allowed to continue in the manner he does?

My answer is always very simple, because he upsets so many people he helps keep the site alive.

I dread the day you finally hang up your keyboard and leave it to royboy and myself to be the pratts on accyweb, at least on rare occasions both he and I can lower ourselves to agree with the odd post or two but you?

Never have I attempted to cross words with such a dimwit, (feel free to be insulted, you would have been even if I hadn't put that in).

I and many, many other members have asked you why, if you don't like accyweb & it's members do you insist on coming here? Go somewhere else to close a web site, the rest of us aren't moving.

[jambutty]

Originally Posted by Less

I would agree wholeheartedly that I am a none entity if it had been anyone else but you calling me that, I upset you, good I'm glad because you upset so many other members, my inbox has to be emptied every other day because people ask how is J.B. allowed to continue in the manner he does?

My answer is always very simple, because he upsets so many people he helps keep the site alive.

I dread the day you finally hang up your keyboard and leave it to royboy and myself to be the pratts on accyweb, at least on rare occasions both he and I can lower ourselves to agree with the odd post or two but you?

Never have I attempted to cross words with such a dimwit, (feel free to be insulted, you would have been even if I hadn't put that in).

I and many, many other members have asked you why, if you don't like accyweb & it's members do you insist on coming here? Go somewhere else to close a web site, the rest of us aren't moving.

Nobody upsets me so it’s time for you to be unhappy.

Except possibly those like yourself with selective memories.

I have agreed with other people but I am under no obligation to agree with someone if I do not, even though some members think that I should. Nor do I feel the need to resort to name calling, except in retaliation. I can express myself without having to resort to such crudities and swearing.

I don’t care what other people think of me.

Over to you because I am sure, like many others, you will have to have the last word.

[Neil]

Originally Posted by emamum23

also known to make women put on loads of weight tho lol

Only if your not careful