Joke Of The Day

[janet]

Mick and paddy were walking home after a night out on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to paddy "jez, that looks like sean" to which paddy replied "no sean was taller than that,"

[Len]

A man walks into a pub for the first time and stands at the bar.
The barman says to him…. may I get you a drink sir.
The man replies…. Thankyou, yes I will have a pint of bitter please.
The barman pores him the drink, gives it to him and says…. that will be
£1.50p
The man replies…I’m sorry but I am not paying for that! You made the offer to get me a drink and I accepted, therefore I shouldn’t have to pay.

Meanwhile theirs another man sat at a table, dressed in a shirt and tie, says excuse me but I have been listening to the conversation and I am a solicitor.
You barman offered to get him a drink, he accepted so he should not have to pay.

Barman says…. ok, ok drink your pint and leave; don’t come in here again your barred.
So the man drinks the pint and leaves.

Three or four days later the same man goes back into the same pub and goes to the bar.
The barman sees him and goes running over and says …I told you, you are barred from here!
The man says… what are you talking about; I’ve never been in here before in my life.
Barman says…oh are you sure?
The man replies…. yes never!
Barman says… well I barred someone who looks like you a couple of days ago and told him not to come back here again you must have a double.
The man replies …thankyou yes I’ll have a whisky.

[Len]

He's innocent

[jason]

[quote author=happyone link=board=anything;num=1048972258;start=120#132 date=12/18/03 at 13:31:45]phoned the pizza and aske do u deliver they said no ham and cheeese lamb and beef[/quote]

LET'S RIP OFF PETER KAY EH??

[Sparkologist]

Q. How do you circumcise a Hillbilly?

A. Kick his sister in the jaw.

[janet]

Nice one, had to think about that one for a minute. I dont have a dirty mind. ( he he he )

[Len]

The Luck Of The Irish

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.
The view was Fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.

"Y 'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink
for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another - all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the Irishman's
claims.
But he swore every word was true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "
But it happened to my sister."

[janet]

You might well hide homer!

[ellie]

what goes ahhh ahhhh?

a sheep with no lips

[Sparkologist]

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn properly red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden, teeming full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, 'What do you do to get your tomatoes red?'
The gentleman responded, Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.'
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for the next two weeks she exposed herself to her vegetable patch, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,' By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?'
'No,' she replied, 'but my cucumbers are enormous.'

[janet]

Good one!!!

[Sparkologist]

Paddy and Murphy were flying in a bi-plane.
Paddy says, 'if we do a loop the loop, do you think we will fall out?'
Murphy replies, 'no, I think we'll still be friends.'

[PC Plod]

I've been reading some of the jokes in this thread and I must say one or two of them made me smile but there is one or two of them a bit close to the edge.
Can we please keep them clean!
I want an easy life.I dont want to have to start deleting.
Thankyou.

[Sparkologist]

Lets be 'aving you, Plod. Try this one for size...


Snow White wakes up one morning and the sun is shining. She goes downstairs and says to the Seven Dwarfs, 'it's such a nice day, and you've worked very hard recently, so I'm going to take you to the zoo. Later we shall go and have tea with my friends, the nuns, at the convent'.
They had a wonderful time at the zoo, then in the afternoon they climbed the big hill to the convent. Dopey Knocked on the door, and the Mother Superior answered. 'Do you have any dwarf nuns?' he asked, in a trembling voice.
'No, my son', she replied.
'Well are there any dwarf nuns in the world?' he asked, as he started to shake.
'Not that I know of', said the Mother Superior.
At this point, Dopey fell to his knees.'Oh sh**, I wasn't to know', he cried.
All the other six dwarfs fell about laughing, shouting, DOPEY SHAGGED PENGUIN. DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!

Edit:

Under investigation
This one is very close to the edge! I shall have to seek further advice.

[lettie]

Oh dear, you need help Sparky!!!!