Joke Of The Day

[claytonx]

Originally Posted by mobertol

Welcome back Claytonx - haven't been many jokes lately...

Thanks More to come

[***Mr D***]

Two females chatting

How did your anniversary dinner go last night?

Oh, it was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful.






The husband and his mate chatting.

So, how did you’re evening go?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf.. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...!

The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.

Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these bloody candles to avoid knocking everything down.
I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come.

In the end, I was so miffed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......

[flashman]

The downside !

[claytonx]

Young girl in a cinema "Take your hand off my knee!
No,not you-------you!"

A diver working 300 feet below the surface of the english channel got a message from his ship saying "come up quick! we're sinking."

There were two babies in a pram.One baby turned to the other baby and said "Are you a little girl or a little boy"
"I don't know," was the giggled reply.
"I can tell,"said the first baby gleefully,and he dived beneath the bedclothes and then resurfaced."You're a girl and i'm a boy,"he announced proudly.
"That was clever,"said the baby girl."How could you tell?"
"Easy!You've got pink bootees and i've got blue ones".

[claytonx]

Worktex bras---the largest manufacturers of bras in the world.We have a hand in nine out of ten bras in Britain.

For sale two single beds and a worn carpet.

Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.

Policeman to jay walking pedestrian "Here! Why are you crossing the road in this dangerous spot-can't you see there's a zebra crossing only fifty yards away?"
Pedestrian "Well,I hope it's having better luck than Iam."

What goes "zub,zub?"A bee flying backwards.

[claytonx]

Eve was so jealous of Adam that when he came home each night she used to count his ribs.

The young girl was complaining to one of her friends."It was terrible I had to change my seat five times at the cinema last night."
"Why?" asked the friend.Did some chap bother you?"
"Yes--------eventually."

"My wife speaks through her nose"
"Why?"
"She's worn her mouth out"

"I had to give up tap dancing."
"Why?"
"I kept falling in the sink."

[DaveinGermany]

Just received this & thought I'd pass it along, enjoy.

John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even
worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and profane. John
tried to change the bird's attitude by saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's
vocabulary. Nothing worked.

Finally, John grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes
the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total
quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

John opened the door to the freezer, and the parrot calmly stepped out onto
John's shoulder and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude
and unforgivable behaviour.

John was stunned, and as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask
what the turkey did?"

[flashman]

Here in Canada the Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on
Parliament Hill this Christmas season.


This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to
find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.


A search for a Virgin continues.


There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!

[claytonx]

A London docker was walking a long,kicking a tortoise.A policeman watched this for a few minutes,then went up to the docker and asked:"Why are you kicking this poor defenceless tortoise?"
The docker paused slightly,then replied:"because it's been following me around all day."

The doctor had just finished examining the very young attractive girl.
Doctor:"have you been going out with men,Miss Jones?"
Miss Jones:"Oh, no,doctor,never!"
Doctor:"Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample you sent,do you still say you've never had anything to do with men?
Miss Jones:"Quite sure, doctor.Can I go now?"
Doctor: "No"
Miss Jones:"But why not?"
Doctor:"Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the
Three Wise Men."

[Retlaw]

Retlaw.

[claytonx]

Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of being in captivity they can train a man to stand on the very edge of their pool and throw fish to them three times a day.

The landlord of a pub frequented by an extremely heavy drinker opened up one day,and in walked a pink elephant,a green rhinocers and several orange striped crocodiles. "I'm sorry,"said the publican, "I'm afraid he isn't in yet."

Angry employer:"Why are you late again this morning?"
Young typist:"I overslept.
Angry employer:"You mean,you sleep at home as well?"

"My dog has got no nose."
"How does it smell?"
"Terrible."

[Tealeaf]

For those who have flown RYANAIR:


"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......


Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland."

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 Euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please?"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains: "Nobody would fit in that little frame!"

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir." O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "Since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager!"

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Euro please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough! What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cents per second."

"I will never use this bar again!"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

[flashman]

The History of the Middle Finger



Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew"! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

[claytonx]

Why are elephants grey?To distinguish them from blackberries.

At the Company Board meeting the Chairman rose to make his speech."Who has been carrying on with my secretary?" he demanded.
This was met with silence."All right then,"said the Chairman,"put it this way---who has not been carrying on with my secretary?"
Again there was silence,and then one man said,self consciously:"Me, sir."
"Right" said the Chairman."You sack her."

Young girl:"If you kiss me it will be a feather in my cap."
Handsome young man:"Come outside and i'll make you a Red Indian Chief."

[claytonx]

Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediatley clasped his hands together at his groin,fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man,and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help.I'm a Physical Therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,she told him

"Oh, no,I'll be all right.I'll be fine in a few minutes,"the man replied.He was in obvious agony,lying in the foetal position.still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence,however.he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?
He replied: It feels great,but I still think my thumb's broken.