Joke Of The Day

[mobertol]

:d

[claytonx]

The man in the front seat of the cinema was making groaning noises very loudly during a tender love scene on the screen.
"Shut up!"hissed the audience around him,but still the man continued making horrible noises.
Eventually,the manager was called and he marched down the aisle until he came to the noisy man."Get up!"demanded the manager.
"Oooooooh!Aaaaaaaargh!"shouted the man in reply.
"Where are you from?"asked the manager.
"F...Fr...."groaned the man"....from th...the balcony."


Outsize Clothes by L.E.Fant.

[claytonx]

The air hostess was being interviewed by her boss."Tell me,what would you do if you found yourself in a shallow dive?"
Air hostess:"I"d drink up and quickly get out."

She started licking my cheek tenderly.I said:"Do you love me?"She said:"No--but I need the salt."

[claytonx]

The vicar was passing the local pond when he heard a little voice.He looked around,but could see no one.But the voice continued. Then he saw a frog sitting near the edge of the pond. The frog told the vicar that he had been turned into a frog by a wicked witch
The vicar was naturally horrified and asked the frog what he could do to help.The frog said that he was really a ten year old boy and all the vicar had to do to remove the witch's spell was to take him home and put him in the vicar's nice warm bed. And that, m'lud, concludes the evidence for the defence.

Her boyfriend only had one fault.He had Tarzan eyes--- They swung from limb to limb.

[Retlaw]

Talking to my mate last night about our mother-in-laws.
'My mother-in-law's an angel' he said.
'You're lucky, mine's still alive' I replied.

[claytonx]

A group of chaps,all age 40 discussed where they should meet for lunch. finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous,with tight mini skirts,great legs,nice bums and beautiful full breasts.

Ten years later,at age 50,the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60,the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later,at age 70,the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later,at age 80,the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they had never been there before.

My brother was badly beaten up recently fighting for his girlfriend's honour.She wanted to keep it.

[claytonx]

A drunk came across a man doing press ups in the park,so he said:"Excuse me,I think someone has stolen your girlfriend."

The old flea was travelling to the cinema on his snail when he was overtaken by a young flea tearing along on a slug.
"What has happened to your old snail?" asked the old flea.
"Oh,"shouted the young flea,gradually disappearing into the distance,"I thought I"d part exchange it for a convertible."

[claytonx]

The scene is a law court.The prosecution counsel faces the female witness and rasps:"It is true you committed adultery on the 18th of June in a snowstorm while riding on the roof of an automobile travelling at ninety miles an hour through Slough with a one-iegged dwarf waving a Union Jack?"
The youg woman in the witness box looked straight at the prosecuting counsel and said calmly:"What was that date again?



"

[claytonx]

Man,snuggling up to girl:"Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
Girl,pushing man back and looking at him carefully:"You might be--your face looks familiar."

[claytonx]

"What are you doing in the cellar,chidren?"
"Making love"
"That's nice.dears.Don't fight."

"My mother made me a homosexual."
"If I send her the wool,would she make me one too?"

[claytonx]

Patient:"give me a kiss nurse."
Nurse:"no."
Patient:"Please give me a kiss nurse."
Nurse:"Certainly not."
Patient:"Go on nurse,kiss me!"
Nurse:"No,sir--and I'm not even supposed to be in bed with you."


Neck Exercises by G.Rarff.

[claytonx]

A young girl was entertaining a rather amorous boyfriend at her home one evening."If you kiss me again," she warned,"I"ll have to call a member of my family."
Her boyfriend kissed her passionately.
"Bro-ther,"she murmured.

Outsize clothes by L.E.Fant.

[claytonx]

Estate agent to young house hunting couple:"First you tell me what you can afford.Then we'll have a good laugh about it and go on from there."

My sister had to give up her last boyfriend because he was tall,dark,and hands.

[claytonx]

Two men were climbing a particulary difficult mountain when one of them suddenly fell down a crevasse 500 feet deep.
"Are you alright Bert?" called the man at the top of the crevasse.
"I'm still alive,thank goodness,Fred,"came the reply.
"Here,grab this rope,"said Fred,throwing a rope down to Bert.
"I can't grab it" shouted Bert,"My arms are broken."
"Well,fit it round your legs."
"I'm afraid I can't do that either,"apologized Bert."My legs are broken."
"Put the rope in your mouth,"shouted Fred.
So Bert put the rope in his mouth and Fred began to haul him to safety.
490feet...400feet...300feet...200feet...100feet... 50feet...and then Fred called:"Are you alright Bert?"
"Yea-h-h...h...h...."

[claytonx]

An old man, Mr Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

"Yes,Nurse,"said Mr Wallace.
"My Private Part died today,and I am very sad".

knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied "oh, im so sorry, Mr Wallace. Please accept my condolences".

The folowing day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his private parts hanging out of his pajamas

He met nurse Tracy. "Mr Wallace, "she said, you shouldnt be walking down the hall like that. "Please put your private part back inside your pajamas".

"But nurse Tracy, i cant", replied Mr Wallace
" i told you yesterday that my private part had died".

"yes, "said nurse Tracy "you did tell me that, by why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied," Today is the viewing."