Joke Of The Day

[claytonx]

What goes in dry,and comes out wet and pleases two people? A tea bag.

What do you get if a cat swallows a ball of wool? Mittons.

What as got four legs and flies? A dead horse.

What are hippies for? To hang your leggies on.

[claytonx]

A man getting on in years,finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to the doctor who tries a few things,but nothing seems to work
Finally as a last hope,the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says,"I can cure this".With that said he throws a white powder into a flame,there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.Then he says,"this is powerful healing." But can only be used once a year. All you have to do is say "123,"and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks,What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?
The medicine man replies,"When your partner can take no more all she has to say is"1234" and then it will go down, but will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home,anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers,shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife,says "123"and suddenly he has the most gigantic rise ever,just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, What did you say"123 for?"

[claytonx]

One day the lion woke up feeling better than he had ever done before.He felt so fit and healthy he could beat the world.So he rose proudly and went for a prowl in the jungle.Soon he came across a snake and the lion stopped.
"Who is the king of the jungle?"asked the lion.
"You of course,"replied the snake,and slithered away.
Next the lion came to a small pool where he found a crocodile.
"Who is king of the jungle?"
"Why, you are," replied the crocodile and slid off into the murky depths of the water.
This went on all morning,all the animals agreeing that the lion was the king of the jungle.Then he came across an elephant
"Who is the king of the jungle?"asked the lion.
In reply,the elephant picked up the lion with its trunk,hurled the lion around in the air and then bashed him against the ground and stamped on him.
"All right,all right,"groaned the batterd lion."There's no need to get angry just because you don't know the answer."

[claytonx]

Hassan and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different parts of London
Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects £2 or£3 ever day.
Hassan brings home a suitcase full of £10 notes.drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage free house and has lots of money.
Habib says to Hassan, "I work just as long as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?"
Hassan says "look at your sign,what does it say?"
Habib's sign reads:"I have no work,a wife and six kids to support.".
Hassan says, "no wonder you only get £2 -£3!
Haib says..."so what does your sign say?"
Hassan shows Habib his sign...

It reads:"I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."

[claytonx]

My wife and I walked past a swankey new restaurant last night."Did you smell that food?"she asked."Incredible!
Being the nice guy that I am,I thought "Blow it,I'll treat her
"So we walked past again.

What weighs two tons and wears a flower behind its ear?---A hippy potamus.

What is one of the main causes of sleepwalking?----Twin beds.

[hedman2003]

Tottenham Hotspurs are pleased to announce that their Reserve Team are now able to recommence playing fixtures following their recent spell of Jury Service

[cashman]

Houston we got trouble.

[alan7554]

a tourist is walking round brixham looking for the buchaneers arms inn and he spies a local sitting on the quayside wall and goes up to him and asks him,excuse me sir but where,s the buchaneers and he replies on my buchan head.

[claytonx]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 nothing was moving
Suddenly,a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"what's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament,and they're asking for a £100 million ransom,otherwise,they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving,on average?"the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

If you sat in a bucket of glue would you have a sticky end?

Is playing tennis courting disaster----or is it a racket?

[claytonx]

A young monk arrives at a monastery.He is assigned to helping other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices however,that all the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript.So,the new monk goes to the head abbott to question this,pointing out that if someone even made a small error in the first copy,it would never be picked up!
In fact,that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk,says,"We have been copying from the copys for centuries,but you make a good point my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbott,so,the young monk gets worried and goes down looking for him.He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot,"Whats wrong,father?"
With a choking voice,the old abbott replies,
"The word was......celeb R ate!!!"

[Retlaw]

Cherie Blair's Chauffeur

Cherie Blair is touring the Mid-Wales countryside in a hired chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, and they hit it full on - the car comes to a screeching stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You'd better get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; so go and tell the bloody farmer,' snarls Cherie.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled but with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what's happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me in their barn. '

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Cherie.

'Well I just knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[claytonx]

Handsome young man,from behind a screen:"I've taken all y clothes off, nurse.Where shall I put them?"
Young nurse"On top of mine."

Inscription on a nun's tombstone:"Returned--unopened."

Nelson was dying on board H.M.S.Victory.He looked up,sadly,and said:
"Kiss me,Hardy!"
Hardy looked down and muttered:"All these years on the same ship and now he asks me."

"Mummy,Mummy!I keep going round in circles."
"Shut up---or I'll nail your other leg to the floor."

[claytonx]

As the train thundered along,the man turned to the woman in the otherwise deserted compartment and said:'Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?'
'Certainly not!'retorted the woman.
The man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later,the man asked,'Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?'
'Yes,'replied the woman after a brief pause.
A few minutes later the man asked:'Would you let me kiss you for a pound?'
'Certainly not! exclaimed the woman.What kind of woman do you think I am?'
'We've already established that.Now we're just haggling over the price.'


Eggs are going up---- the hens have lost all sense of direction.

[claytonx]

Some of TOMMY COOPERS one liners

Two blondes walk it to a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message....'if you want to buy marijuana press the hash key.'

A chap walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm shorts.The shrink says,'well,i can clearly see your nuts.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...but couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

[claytonx]

Paddy says to Mick,"Christmas is on a Friday this year"...Mick says"Lets hope it's not the 13th."
"Paddy and Mick find three grenades,so they take them to the police station.Mick:"What if one explodes before we get there?"Paddy:"We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
Mick shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?"asks the doctor."No",shouts Mick,"this is her husband."
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:"If they fell forwards,they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Joe says to Paddy:"Close your curtains the next time you make love to your wife.The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."Paddy says:"Well the joke's on them the stupid idiots because I wasn't even home yesterday."