Joke Of The Day

[claytonx]

A small boy,absent from school for two days,returns.'Hello.Barry,'said the teacher.'Why have you been away from school?'
'Sorry,miss,my dad got burnt.'
'Oh! said the teacher,'nothing serious,I hope.'
'They don't mess about at the Crematorium,miss!'

The two red corpuscles-- they loved in vein.

What do you put on a pig with a sore nose?Oinkment.

What is the opposite of minimum? Minidad.

[claytonx]

Two young girls were talking in their office canteen when the subject,as usual,came round to discussing the men in their office.
"I wouldn't have anything to do with Graham Smith,if I were you,"said one of the girls.
"But why not?"asked her friend."He seems such a nice sort of man."
"Ah!But he knows an awful lot of very dirty songs."
"But surely he doesn't sing them in the office?"asked the friend."I"ve never heard him singing dirty songs."
"No,perhaps not--but he certainly whistles them!"

My father was very religious--he wouldn't work if there was a Sunday in the week.

Our family was so poor my sister was made in Hong Kong.

[claytonx]

The body of a man was found today in Hyde Park. The body had been hacked into a thousand pieces and tied in a sack.Police do not yet know if it was suicide.

Wife by text to husband at work
"Windows at home frozen--what should I do?"
Husband--"spray some de-icer on them or pour some hot water on them."
Wife a few minutes later "Done that,now computer wont work at all."

I love kids,I used to go to school with them.

[flashman]

THE TOILET SEAT

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[claytonx]

For three years Amy Clegg parrot had not said a single word,and eventually she became convinced it was simply a stupid parrot unable to learn to speak English.
Then one day as she was feeding it a piece of lettuce as a special treat,the parrot suddenly squawked:'There's a maggot on it,there's a maggot on it!'
Amy Clegg was astonished.'You can talk!' she exclaimed. 'But why haven't you spoken in all the three years that I've been keeping you?'
'Oh,'replied the parrot,'the food has been excellent up to now.'

A dumpling today was said to be in a bit of a stew.

The plan to wrap all meat pies in tin has been foiled.

A beautiful young typist kissed a Prince last night.He turned into a toad.

[NeilGnR]

I answered the door today and a man stood there with a bouquet and said, "Flowers for your wife" I said, "Sounds like a good swap to me"

[claytonx]

The vicar was explaining the difference between knowledge and faith to his congregation.
'In the front row,'he said,'we have Mr Heather with his wife and three children.Now,she knows they are her children-- that's knowledge.He believes they are his children that's faith.

On Tuesday a man fell into a tank of beer and came to a bitter end.

[claytonx]

A vicar called Mark was closing the Church doors after an evening service when he heard a strange voice call:'Mark! Mark!'
He looked outside the Church,but could no one calling his name.Then he looked inside the Church,but although the voice still called 'Mark! Mark!' the poor clergyman could not find where the sounds were coming from.
Finally,he rushed to the alter,thinking it must be God calling him.But when he got there all he found was a dog with a hare lip.

Lecturer to rowdy audience: 'I will not begin until this room settles down.'
Student: 'Go home and sleep it off!'

The Scotsman who broke in next door to gas himself.

[claytonx]

A middle-aged woman clambered on to a London bus with three sets of twins trailing behind her.When they were all seated in the bus,the conductor asked her:'Do you always get twins?'
'Oh,no!' replied the woman.'Hundreds of times we don't get anything.'

The only reason there is a population explosion is because it is such great fun to light the fuse.

My wife frequently goes for a tramp in the woods--fortunately for him, he always manages to get away.

[claytonx]

While travelling in a sleeping compartment in a train,the man on the top bunk was woken up by someone tapping from below.'Hello?'he said.
'Are you awake?'asked a female voice from below.
'Yes.'
'It's terribly cold down here.I wonder if you would mind letting me have an extra blanket.'
'I've got a better idea,' replied the man. 'Lets pretend we are married.'
'That's a lovely idea!' giggled the woman.
'Right,' said the man,now get your own damn blanket!'

'Excuse me,madam,we are doing a survey.Can you tell me what you think of sex on the television?'
'Very uncomfortable.'

The wages of sin are high--unless you know someone who'll do it for free.

[claytonx]

During a conversation with a kindly old priest,the young man asked: 'Is it really such a sin to sleep with a girl?'
'Oh no,' replied the priest, 'but you young men don't sleep.'

'Hello! Is that the Salvation Army?'
'Yes,it is.'
'Is it true that you save fallen girls?'
'Yes.'
'Then will you save one for me for Thursday night?'

[Retlaw]

On their way to get married, a young Roman Catholic couple
was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly
get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,
what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned,
looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven"

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering;
what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, come ON!!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me three months just to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer???"





]

[claytonx]

Bernard was on holiday abroad and decided to visit the local bazaar.
'Want to buy a genuine skull of Moses?'asked a stall holder.
'Not really,'replied Bernard.'It's much too expensive.'
'What about this skull,'said the stall-owner,producing another skull.This is much cheaper,because it's smaller the skull of Moses as a child.'

If a broad bean is a double-decker bus and a runner bean is a single-decker bus-then what is a pea? A relief.

How do you tell the sex of a hormone?Take its genes off.

[claytonx]

Today all the young girls are out all night sowing their wild oats--and in the morning you can find them praying for a crop failure.

A gamekeeper was walking across a clearing when he saw a nude young woman walking towards him.
'Are you game?'he asked.
'Yes,'she replied.
so he shot her.

[claytonx]

In the east end of London people learn about life very quickly.
Two boys were playing in the street when they saw a friend peering through a window into a house.
'Quick!'he said 'There's a man and woman fighting in bed.'
One of the other boys,aged about six,looked and said:'They're not fighting--they're making love.'
The third little boy had a look ,too,and said:'Yes-and badly.'

'Darling, what do you think of the Middle East position?'
'I don't know, I've never tried it.'