Joke Of The Day

[claytonx]

The young girl arrived home late from an evening out with her boyfriend.as she stomped into her flat and slammed the door her flatmate came out of her bedroom to see what all the noise was about.
'Oh!'exclaimed the girl.'Berkeley is the limit! I had to slap his face several times this evening!'
'Why,what did he do?' asked the flatmate eagerly.
'Nothing,unfortunately,' muttered the pretty young girl.
'I had to slap his face to see if he was awake.'

I don't smoke,don't drink and don't make passes at my girlfriend---I make my own dresses too!

I was an unwanted child---my mother wanted puppies.

[claytonx]

The lady was having an argument with her maid. Before leaving the room the maid decided to say exactly what she thought.
'You might like to know,'she said,'that your husband told me only last week that I am a far better housekeeper and cook than you are.He also said I was much better looking!'
The lady remained silent.
'And that's not all,'continued the maid, 'I'm far better than you in bed.'
'I suppose my husband told you that as well!'snapped the lady.
'No,'replied the maid,'the gardener did.'

[claytonx]

Young man turning to the young girl seated next to him:'You know, Joan,' he said,'your parents have invited me over for dinner so often I'm beginning to feel sort of obligated.Will you marry me?'

'If I refuse to go to bed with you, will you really commit suicide?'
'That has been my usual procedure, yes.'

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?----A nervous wreck.

[Retlaw]

SCRABBLE

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human
body which is even more useful when erect.

P S N E I

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The two people who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest of you are friends...

[claytonx]

A business executive had to make a speech at an important meeting attended by his business associates.He couldn't think of anything interesting to talk about,so in the end he decided to talk about sex.
When he arrived home is wife asked him how his speech had gone.He replied that it had been a huge success.
'But what did you talk about?'
The man thought for a few seconds,then replied: 'Oh,sailing.'
The following week one of the mans business colleagues approached the mans wife at a cocktail party and commented:'That was a marvellous speech your husband made last week.'
'I know,'replied the wife.'It's amazing.He's only tried it twice.The first time his hat blew off and the second time he was seasick.'

[claytonx]

The tax inspector received an income tax return from a bachelor executive claiming a dependent son.He thought this was rather odd,so he sent back the form with a note stating:this must be a typist's error.'
Back came the form from the executive,together with a pencilled marginal comment next to the inspector's saying:'Your telling me.'


'Now,what have we got to do before we can get forgiveness of sin?' 'Sin.'

[claytonx]

One of Henry's best friends had died,so he shortly after the funeral he called on the widow in order to express his sympathy.
'John and I were very good friends,' he said.'Is there something I could have as a small memento of him?'
The widow raised he tear stained eyes and looked at Henry.'How would I do?'she asked,hopefully.

'He loves you terribly.'
'I keep telling him that.'

There's nothing like a mink coat to thaw a cold shoulder.

[claytonx]

'Roll up! Roll up! Buy this miraculous cure for old age and colds.Rigor mortis can be cured! Roll up! Roll up!' called the fairground quack doctor.
He soon collected a large crowd around his stall,and the quack went on to proclaim the merits of his products.'this miraculous mixture actually cures old age.You have only to look at me to see the proof of its power.I am over two hundred and fifty years old.'
One astonished man in the crowd turned to the quack's beautiful young assistant and said:'Say,Miss, is what the gentleman says really true?Is he really over two hundred and fifty years old?'
'I'm afraid I can't really say,' replied the quack's assistant.'I've only been working for him for the past ninety three years.'

The only difference between rape and seduction is patience.

I met Claudia Hott-Iron yesterday-- she made a great impression on me.

[claytonx]

James,take off my dress.Now my bra,and now my panties.....and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again I'll smash your stupid face in.

The man kissed the girl passionately.
Girl: 'I thought a quick one before dinner ment a drink.'

He used to go out with a girl called Ruth. Then she left him,so he became ruthless.

When asked for a donation to the local orphanage a Scotsman sent two orphans.

[claytonx]

Artist:'You know, you're the first model I've ever made love to.'
Nude model:'I don't believe you.I bet you say that to all the models you've painted.How many have you had?'
Artist:'Well there was a bowl of fruit,a dog,the watermill.....'

Anna Stetic--the nurse who was a real knockout.

An inflatable rubber lilo collapsed and died today at its South Harrow Home.

[claytonx]

A further two girls are to be admitted to Prankton College--the former all male school.The first two girls sent to the school in 1982 are said to be somewhat exhausted and so need replacements.They were not replaced sooner because the boys have only just discovered that the two girls were slightly different from boys-they tired more quickly when playing rugby.

Man:'That wife of mine is a liar!'
Friend:'How do you know?'
Man:'Because she said she spent the night with Claire.'
Friend:'So?'
Man:'I spent the night with Claire.'

[Retlaw]

The Bob visits the local tavern for a quiet ale or two with his club
mates.
He finds that his mates have organised a compeition with a prize for the
best toast of the evening..
When it Bob's turn he stands, raises his glass high and in a loud voice says
" Here's to me spending every night of the rest of my life between my wifes
legs.
Well his mates all agree that the toast is the best of the night and he
wind the prize.

When he arrives home his wife asks what have you got there?
Is a priuze I won at the tavern!
What for?
The best toast of the night!
And what may I ask was the toast?

Er..Er..Er...Here to me spending every Sunday morning in church with me
darling wife.

That a great idea she says.

The next day while shopping at the local supermarket his wife runs into
one of his drinking mates wh has a funny smile on his face.
His mates says " did you hear that Bob won a prise last night!
Yes she says, Im a bit suprised though he only been there twice in the
last four years. The first time he fell a sleep. The second I had to pull
his ears to get him to come.

[claytonx]

A little boy and a little girl were walking home from school.

'Guess what I found behind the radiator in our class?' asked the little boy.

'What?'inquired the little girl.
'I found a contraceptive behind the radiator.'
'What's a radiator?'

[claytonx]

Pupil:'Can I have a cigarette?'
Teacher:'Good heavens! No,certainly not! Do you want to get me into trouble?'
Pupil:'Well all right then,Miss.But I'd rather have a cigarette

Why does a giraffe have such a log neck? Because it can't stand the smell of its feet.

What is sticky and used to sing?-------- Gluey Armstrong.

[claytonx]

The mother of one of the servants came storming into the lord's manor,demanding to see the lord.
'What is it you want?'asked the lord,when the angry woman was brought before him.
'It's about my daughter Jenny--she works here,'said the woman.'You've got her pregnant!'
'Don't worry,'replied the lord.'If she really is pregnant then I'll give you ten thousand pounds-and when the little one comes along I'll set up a trust fund for thirty thousand pounds.Does that seem fair?'
'You're very kind,'agreed the woman,but if it doesn't happen--will you give her another chance?'

'What is fire?'
'That is a burning question.'

Policeman:'Anything you say may be taken down...'
Man: 'Knickers!'