Joke Of The Day

[claytonx]

It's the way I tell em.

The wife as been missing a week now.Police said to prepare for the worst.So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Just got back from my mate's funeral.He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.It was a lovely service.

Local police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter',who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours,believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance,so I pushed her over.

[claytonx]

Man:'My wife and I had a short row on Friday night.She wanted to go to the opera and I wanted to go to the theatre-but we soon came to an agreement.'
Friend:'And what was the opera like.'

What do you get if you cross a mouse with an elephant? Giant holes in the skirting board.

A ma swallowed a dud coin late last night.He is expected to be charged with passing counterfeit money later today.

[claytonx]

Brian's mother and father had told him about the facts of life,but when it came to telling their younger son,only seven years old,they were too embarrassed.
'Brian,will you tell John about the birds and the bees?' pleaded Brian's father.
Brian agreed and that night Brian asked John:'Do you know what mum and dad do at night in bed?'
'Of course I know,'replied John.
'Well said Brian,'it's the same with the birds and bees.'

[claytonx]

'Mummy, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.'
'That's nice of her to take such an interest,dear.What did she say when you told her you are an only child?'
'She just said:"Thank goodness!"'

Young man:'Sir, your daughter was struggling in the sea so I pulled her out and resuscitated her.'
Retired colonel:'Then,by George,you'll marry her!'

[claytonx]

It was announced today that British rail are to place boards over the bottom of the lavatory doors at Waterloo Station. Spokesman said this was to prevent limbo dancers from getting in free.

[claytonx]

The philosophical goldfish swam around in his bowl,then stopped for a few seconds and turned to his companion and asked: 'Do you believe in the existance of God?'
'Yes,'replied the second goldfish.'Who else do you supose changes our water?'

[claytonx]

'How did you get that puncture?'
'Ran over a milk bottle.'
'But why didn't you see it?'
'Because a stupid kid had it under his coat.'

Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you?'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no,he's fully qualified.'

[flashman]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read this again!)

[claytonx]

It was the annual meeting of the international brotherhood of space scientists in 1997.
'We are preparing to send a rocket to Pluto,' announced the Americans proudly. 'It will have six men aboard and will stay on Pluto for a whole month before making the long trip back to Earth.'
'That's nothing!' scoffed the Russians. 'We are almost ready to launch our spaceship containing two hundred men and women to start the first colony on Uranus.'
'Our country can beat you both,'said the Irish scientist.'We are going to send a rocket straight to the sun.'
'Don't be silly,'said the American and Russian scientists,'the rocket will melt before it gets there.'
'No it won't,' replied the Irish scientist.'We're sending it up at night.'

[claytonx]

When it is very stormy and pouring with rain owls are not very keen to go romancing.All they do is sit in trees looking very dejected--hence their: 'Too wet to woo;too wet to woo.'

My father was very kind.When it was cold he used to throw an electric fire into my bath.

[claytonx]

I learned to swim at a very early age. When I was three my parents used to row me out to sea in a little boat until they got about a mile or so away from the shore--then I had to swim back.I quite liked the swim-it was getting out of the sack that was difficult.

[claytonx]

'So! caught you at last,' hissed the gamekeeper,emerging from the bushes behind a poacher.
'What do you mean?'asked the poacher.
'I saw you hastily throw that plucked duck back into the river as soon as you saw me.Look,there it is-still floating on the surface.And how do you explain all its feathers on your clothes?'
'Simple! The duck wanted to go for a swim so I'm minding its clothes.'

It has recently been discovered that Wales is sinking into the sea-due to the many leeks in the ground.

[claytonx]

Mrs Green had a truly remarkable parrot and when the vicar came to tea one afternoon she could not resist demonstrating to him how clever her pet was.
'If you pull this little string on its left leg Polly will sing "Abide With me", said Mrs Green proudly.'And if you pull the string on its right leg it will sing "Onward Cristian Soldiers".'
'How remarkable!' exclamied the vicar.'And what happens if you pull both strings at once?'
'Simple!' replied the parrot. 'I fall off my perch,you stupid old twit.'

What is brown and sounds like a bell?----Dung!

[claytonx]

'Darling,I want to make love before we get married,'said the girl,snuggling up to her boyfriend.
'But it won't be long until, July,dear,'he replied.
'Oh!she exclamied enthusiastically,'and how long will it be then?'

What is soft,sings,and cleans windows?Shammy Davis Jnr.

[claytonx]

A teacher warned her pupils to wrap up warm against the cold winter,and to show how important this was she told them of the true story of her little brother who took his sledge out one day. Unfortunately,her brother had not been wrapped up properly and he caught pneumonia and died a few days later.
There was silence in the classroom for a few moments,then a small voice at the back said:'Please Miss,what happened to his sledge?'

Then there was the sadist who thought his wife looked horrible in stripes--so he stopped whipping her.