Joke Of The Day

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Bell invented the telephone,but he found it was useless until he invented the second telephone.This was fine,until he invented the third telephone, phoned the second,and found it engaged.

Student doctor:Please sir,there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
Famous sergeon:'Ah,yes! That's a footnote.

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Timothy desperately wanted to be a famous actor and always believed in trying to 'live' any parts he was asked to play.When he was invited to audition for the part of Abraham Lincoln in a new play. Timothy read all about Lincoln.He researched Lincoln's background for weeks and then dressed to look exactly like him--black hat,black cloak,red sash and large black boots.After admiring himself in a mirror he set off for the audition.He didn't get the part--but on the way home he was assassinated.

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The very expensive racehorse continually lost races which everyone had expected it to win.
'Perhaps what it needs is a bit more encouragement,'suggested the horse's owner.
So the jockey warned the horse just before the start of a major race that if it lost the race it would be the end of its racing days and the horse would have to find work elsewhere--probably on a milk round in the country.
The horse nodded at the jockey to indicate that it understood this threat,and soon the race began.
Unfortunately,this horse was soon trailing behind all the others and as the jockey urged it forward with his whip the horse turned its head and said: 'Steady on, sir.I've got to be up early in the morning.'

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'I heard you were moving your piano so I came to help.'
'Thanks,but I got it upstairs already.'
'Did you do it alone?'
'No I hitched the cat to it.'
'How on earth could a small cat haul a grand piano up three flights of stairs?'
'Used a whip.'

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'Is that the police station?'asked a panic stricken voice on the phone to the police headquarters.
'Yes this is the police station,'replied the officer on duty.
'Oh,thank goodness! I want to report a burglar trapped in an old lady's bedroom.Please come quickly!'
'Who is that calling?'asked the policeman.
'The burglar,'replied a voice on the phone.

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There was a man-eating lion who was killed in one of the ancient Roman games.It had forgotten to wear its after-slave potion.

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A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshire man:"Ayup,lad,I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet:"Is it a tom?"
Yorkshire man: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist,"Nah then,lad,does tha sell arse cream?
Chemist replies,"Aye,Magnum or Cornetto?"
C

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A Yorkshire's mans dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decided to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man:"Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller:"Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man:"No,I want it chewin' a bone,yer daft sod


Police have just released details of a new drug craze prevalent in Yorkshire night clubs.
Apparently,Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum".

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It was pouring with rain and the old man fell down dying,in the gutter.A man saw this and rushed up to help.
"What can I do? Where do you live? What's your name?"asked the man.
"Seamus O'Reilly," replied the old man. "I'm dying.
There's nothing you can do to help."
"But shall I fetch the priest?"
"No,fetch the rabbi."
"Did I hear you right?"asked the man."With a name like Seamus O'Reilly and an accent like yours,you want me to fetch the rabbi and not the priest?"
"Yes,"replied the old man."I wouldn't bring the priest out on a night like this."

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The best selling writer was being interviewed about his career.
"It seemed to me after fifteen years of full time writing that I was absolutely hopeless and had no talent at all for writing."
"So what did you do?"asked the interviewer. "Decide to give up writing?"
"Oh,no!" replied the writer."By that time I was far to famous."

Did the coroner who lost his pub go on an innquest?

What has an I.Q.of 144?A Gross of Irishmen.

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Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune.He had trained his parrot,after months of hard work to tell jokes.
At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work,so he took the parrot down to his local pub.
"This is my incredible joke telling parrot,"boasted Fred.
"Go on,"jeered the pub regulars."We'll give you ten to one that your parrot can't tell us a joke."
"All right,"replied Fred."I Accept your bet."
But try as he could,Fred was unable to make the parrot talk-let alone tell jokes.
Fred left the pub,dismally,having lost the bet.On the way home he shook the parrot and shouted:"What do you mean by keeping quiet you stupid bird?You made me lose a ten to one bet!"
"Ah!"squawked the parrot."Tomorrow you'll be able to get fifty to one."

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The newly opened shopping centre had three tailors all with shops next to each other.As another coincidence,all three tailors were named Jacob Silverstein.
The first tailor put up a sign over his shop which proclaimed:'Jacob Silverstein-High Class Tailor.'
The second tailor put up a sign saying:'Silverstein-the tailor of distinction.'
The third tailor put up a smaller notice above his shop,but it said:'Silverstein's Tailors-Main Entrance.'

Blunderbuss:a coach load of spinsters on their way to a maternity hospital.

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The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor:'Oh!Don't you sleep at night?'
Civil servant:'Yes,I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings,too but I find it very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'

Man:'I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my wife.'
Friend:'Did you have it put to sleep?'
Man:'No,of course not-I had its teeth sharpened.'

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Dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of being in captivity they can train a man to stand on the very edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

The male flea said to the pretty female flea:'Come up and see my itchings.'

'Waiter!This coffee tastes like mud.'
'Well ,sir,it was ground only ten minutes ago.'

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The Eskimo set off in his kayak when he met his Cockney Eskimo friend.The Eskimo said he was very cold and so he made a fire in the bottom of his kayak, but the kayak soon burst into flames and the Eskimo had to be rescued by his friend.
'Why did my kayak go up in flames like that?'asked the Eskimo.
'Simple!'replied his friend.'You can't hope to have your kayak and' eat it.'

'Now, how much would you like to contribute to the Indian Relief Fund,
Mrs Custer?'