Joke Of The Day

[claytonx]

Little Wilhelmina was in the garden when she asked:'Dad-what are those two insects doing?'
'Well,'said her father,'you know what I told you about the birds and bees-that's what they are doing.'
'But they are not birds and bees.'
'I know-there called daddy-longlegs.'
'Oh!'said Wilhelmina,and paused to think about this for a while.Then she said:'So one is a mummy-longlegs and the other a daddy-longlegs.'
'No,'replied her father.'They're both daddy-longlegs.'
Wilhelmina thought for a while,then stamped on the insects.
'What did you do that for?'asked her father somewhat surprised.
'I'm not having that sort of thing in our garden,' said Wilhelmina,firmly.

[alan7554]

an arab goes into a restaurant in london an asks for fried sheeps testilcles,the waiter goes back into the kitchen with the order and gives it to the chef who thinks oh dear we hav'nt got any what can i do.The waiter says what about that dead dog that we saw lying on the road behind the pub,so they go and get it and serve the arab his dish,when asked if they were cooked ok and were good,the arab replied yes they were the dogs bo****ks.

[claytonx]

Patient:'And when my right arm is quite better,will I be able to play the trumpet?'
Doctor:'Most certainly-you should be able to play it with ease'
Patient:'That's wonderful-I could never play it before.'

'My dog plays chess with me.'
'That's amazing! It must be a really intelligent animal.'
'Not really.I've won three games to two so far this evening.'

[claytonx]

The fire engine careered around the corner,and sped off up the road,bells clanging,just as a drunk was staggering out of a pub.He promptly chased after the fire engine,but soon collapsed,exhausted,after only a few hundred yards,'All right,' he sobbed.'You can keep your rotten ice lollies.

[claytonx]

A man went for a brain transplant and was offered the choice of two brains-an architect's for £100 and a politician's for £10,000.
'Does that mean the politician's brain is much better than the architect's?' asked the man.
'Not exactly,'replied the brain transplant salesman, 'the politician's has never been used.'

She was only a police constable's daughter,but she let the chief inspector.

I've always believed in love at first sight-ever since I looked into a mirror.

[claytonx]

Teacher: 'I'll give this shiny apple to anyone who can tell me who was the greatest man in the world.'
Little David Cohen put his hand up and said:'It was Jesus,miss.'
Teacher:'Well done David-you're perfectly right.But I always thought you were Jewish?'
David:'So I am,miss.And you know and I know it was really Moses who was the greatest man in the world-but business is business.'

Why do birds fly south in winter?Because it's too far to walk.

Is a drunken ghost a methylated spirit.

[claytonx]

The female student went to the end of the term ball taking two handkerchiefs with her,as she had a cold.One handkerchief she put in her handbag and the other she tucked down the front of her dress.
During the course of the evening she finished using the first and so tried to retrieve the second,but couldn't find it.
The University's Chancellor,sitting nearby and watching her with interest, was amazed to hear her remark:'I could have sworn I had two when I came in.'

At least my wife isn't two-faced.She can't be--otherwise she wouldn't wear that one all the time.

My husband is so thin whenever he goes to the park the ducks throw him bread.

[claytonx]

A small boy says to his father ",Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son,go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad,dad,she said she would!She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son,"says his dad."Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off,and comes back saying "Dad,dad, she said she would too!"
So then is dad says "Right,son,now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad, dad!He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it,son,"said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poofter."

[claytonx]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.Looking up to heaven he said,'Lord take pity on me.If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously,a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said,'Never mind,I found one.'

[claytonx]

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.he quickley phoned his best friend Finney.

'Did you see the paper?'asked Gallagher.'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

[claytonx]

Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,'Okay,pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times,and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted,'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,Paddy went over to him and said,'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

[claytonx]

A middle-aged woman was on her way to the shops when she saw a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of whisky.The woman was appalled at this and rushed over to the boy and demanded:'Why aren't you at school at this time of day?'
'At school?' queried the boy,taking another swig at the bottle.'Hell,lady,I'm only four years old.

'What are you making.Tommy?'asked the woodwork teacher.
'A portable,'replied the small boy.
'A portable what?'
'I don't yet know,sir.I've only made the handle.'

[claytonx]

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives,however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee,so they stopped at the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to be down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it so she used that.
The girls the made there way home.
The next day,the husband of one of the women was concerned that his sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,so he phoned the other husband and said:'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.My wife came home with no panties!!'
'Thats nothing,'said the other husband,'mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said....
'From all of us at the fire station.We'll never forget you.'

[claytonx]

Walking into the bar,Mike said to Charlie the bartender,'Pour me a stiff one-just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie,'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied,'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,'said Charles,'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said,'Come out from under the bed,you little chicken.'

[claytonx]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus,who had been a seafaring gent all his life,to bury him a sea when he died.
Of course,in due time,he did pass away and the boys kept there promise.
They set off with uncle Seamus all stiched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says,'Do yer think this is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his kness.
'This'll never do,Mick.Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly,so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy,'Do yer think this is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,'No this'll neva do.'The water was only up to his chest.
So they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

Wait for it
















'Aye'tis,
NOW hand me that shovel.'