Joke Of The Day

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'Who painted my horse blue?' yelled the angry cowboy entering the saloon.
Everyone was silent,then a massive cowboy stood up and admitted he had done the deed.As he looked up at the huge man towering over him the newcomer said softly:'Oh!I only wanted to know when you're going to give it a second coat.'

Man:'I want a dog licence please.'
Post Office clerk:'What name?'
Man:'Bonzo.'

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A Mother's Love.

A little boy said to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and your white?"
His mother replied," Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party,you're lucky you don't bark."

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Little Susie, in the first year,goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
Mom:"You should say No-they only want to look at your undies."
Susie:"I know they do...that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

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Three Irishmen were walking along a road when a young man in a battered sports car ran over them. He got out of his car and buried them in a field.Then he went to a police station to report what he had done.
'I'm terribly sorry officer,'he said,'but I've just run over three Irishmen and so I buried them in a field.'
'Are you sure they were dead?'asked the policeman.
'Well,'said the young man,'two said they weren't-but you know what liars Irishmen are.'

At the time of the French Revolution many people went completely off there heads.

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The television company decided to make a program about successful business executives,so they called five of them into the studio to talk about there lives and how they managed to be so successful.
The first four executives all told of how they had fought to get to the top-four of them marrying their respective boss's daughter.But the fifth executive had had a really hard fight to become successful. 'Life was never very easy for me,'he explained.'I had to fight for everything and times were often difficult-but I just gritted my teeth,rolled up my sleeves...and got down to asking Dad to lend me another £50,000.'

A strawberry was reported today to be in a bit of a jam.

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Jacob was dying and the family gathered around his bedside.
'Mama,'he whispered.
'I'm here,Jacob,'she replied.
'Rachel,'he sighed.
'I'm here,Papa.'
'Isaac!'
'I'm here,Papa.'
'Levi?'he coughed'
'I'm here,too,Papa.'
'Then,'he wheezed,'who the hell is minding the shop

As from midnight on Thursday,under a new pay award,barbers are to get fringe benifits.

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It was one of the strangest looking dogs they had ever seen at the pub,and the regulars found it a great topic of conversation.
Eventually,one of them sidled over to the dogs owner and said:'That's a stupid looking dog you've got there.Can it fight?'
'Sure,'replied the owner.
'Well,'said the man.'I bet you five pounds that my labrador can beat your dog.'
The owner accepted the bet and the labrador was led in to fight.After twenty two seconds the labrador lay dead on the floor.The loser,looking down at his dead dog,shook his head sadly and said:'Your dog can certainly fight.But I still think its a funny looking dog.'
'Yes,'agreed the owner.'And it looked funnier until shaved its mane off.'

It wasn't until after I married my wife that I discovered she was really a redhead-no hair,just a red head.

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My wife,besides being rather fat,is incredibly bossy-always telling people what they should do.One day she was on a bus and had just settled down and got comfortable in he seat when she saw that the only standing passengers were three middle-aged women.
My wife turned to the man sitting next to her and said,in a very loud voice:'If you were a gentleman,you'd get up and let one of those women sit down.'
'If you were a lady,' said the man,'you'd get up and let all three of them sit down.'

A compass has recently complained of going round in circles.

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A man is dragging a large box along the pavement when he suddenly stops outside one house and knocks at the door.
The door is opened by a woman,and the man asks: 'Are you Widow Jones?'
'My name is not Widow Jones,'replies the woman, 'Its Mrs Jones.'
'Wait till you see what I've got in this box,'says the man sorrowfully.

A hymn has recently been dedicated to a Birmingham corset factory. It is 'All Is Safely Gathered In.'

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The little boy had just returned home after an outing with his father.'Well,dear,how did you like the zoo?'asked the boys mother.
'Oh,it was great!'replied the boy.'And Dad liked it too especially when one of the animals came racing home at thirty to one.'

I wouldn't say my wife was promiscuous, but she;s been picked up so many times she's begining to grow handles.

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A blond gets a job as a sports teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone,while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
She asks him 'You ok?'
'Yes.'he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.'he replies with annoyance.
'Why?'asks the blond.

The boy says:'Because I'm the flipping goal keeper!!'

I recently bought a baby car-it doesn't go anywhere without a rattle.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,'he mumbles from behind the mask,'are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed,the young nurse replies,'I don't know,Sir.I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again,'Nurse,please check for me.A my testicles black?'
Concerned that it might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicals,she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown,holds his manhood in one hand and his testicales: in the other.
She looks very closely and says,'There's nothing wrong with them,Sir.They look fine.'
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her,and says very slowly,Thank you very much.That was wonderful.Now listen very,very closely
Are-my-test-results-back?'

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,"Sir,I don't wish to interfere with your private grief but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself,then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

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Two little boys are in a hospital,lying on beds next to each other,outside the operating room.The first kid leans over and asks,'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says,'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says,'You've got nothing to worry about.I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa,good luck with that one,buddy! I had that done when I was BORN....Couldn't walk for a year.'

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Three dead bodies turn up at a Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body:Pierre Dubois,Frenchman,60,died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.Hence the enormous smile,Inspector',says the Coroner.
'Second body:Hamish Campbell,Scotsman,25 won £50,000 on the lottery.Spent it all on whiskey.Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked,'What about the third body.'

'Ah,'says the coroner,'this is the most unusual one.Paddy Murphy,Irish,30,struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?'inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken.'