Joke Of The Day

[claytonx]

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,took his wife's hand in his and said' Martha soon we will be married 50 years,and there's something I have to know.In all of these 50 years,have you ever been unfaithful to me?'

Martha replied,'Well Henry,I have to be honest with you.Yes,I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years,but always for a good reason.'
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession,but said' I never suspected.Can you tell me what you mean by,good reasons?'

Martha said,'The very first time was shortly after we were married,and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said,'I can forgive you for that.You saved our home,but what about the second time?'
Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick,and we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night,if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'

'I recall that,'said Henry.'And you did save my life,so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.

'All right,'Martha said. So do remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?'

[claytonx]

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today,is those mobile phones that everyone has clipped on to their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth,I think.
You know,I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that when you get to a certain age people avoid you anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans! Not milk cartons.
I've got that dreaded furniture disease.That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I was thinking about how people seam to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me,they were studying for their finals.
As for me,I'm hoping God grades entries on a sliding scale.

[flashman]

I don't know why someone didn't figure this out sooner. I
use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down
my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this
warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining so much weight lately. Well,
now I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering
with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

So now my weight problem should be solved. If I don't
answer the phone, I'll be in the shower.

[claytonx]

On a train from London to Manchester,an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

'You English are to stuffy.You set yourselves apart too much.You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me...I'm ME. I have Italian blood,French blood,a little Indian blood,and some Swedish blood.What do you say to that?'

The Englishman replied,'Awfully sporting of your mother,old chap!!!!

[claytonx]

It was Postman Pat's day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail in all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house he was greeted by the whole family who sent him a his way with a cheque for £50
At the second house he received an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third gave him a bottle of 15 year old scotch.
At the forth he was met at the door by a dumb blond in her lingerie.She took him up to the bedroom and there she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced, then she fixed him a full English breakfast.
As she was pouring him a cup of coffee he noticed a £1 coin by his saucer
He inquired what's the £1 for
'Well,'said the blond,I told my husband that this was your last day and that we should do something special for you.' I asked him what I should give you.'
He said, ;;;;;; him,Give him a £1

She smiled shyly and said,'The breakfast was my idea.'

[claytonx]

Yesterday,Five hundred men walked out of the steel mill while it was still in operation. A union spokesman said they had to strike while the iron was hot.

[Eric]

After a long and successful life, Barack Obama dies peacefully in his sleep. Having spent his life in politics and law, he goes straight to hell. This causes a problem for the devil, as he is short of room. He tells Obama that he will have to take the place of someone already there; however, he can choose who he replaces. His choice will go to heaven. Satan shows Obama a room in which Ted Kennedy is swimming in a pool. For all eternity he has to dive, surface, dive again ..... etc. Obama, not a good swimmer, nixes this one and is shown another room in which Al Gore is breaking rocks with a massive hammer. Not really impressed, he is shown a room in which Bill Clinton lies tied to a huge bed, handcuffed to the frame. With him is Monica Lewinsky doing what she is famous for. Obama says, "This is the place for me". "Are you sure," asks the Devil? "Certain", says Obabma. "Ok," the Arch-Fiend says, after which he turns to the bed and calls out: "Monica, you can go now."

[AudiBMWGuy]

A little boy gets a train set for Christmas.
One day he is in the lounge playing with his new toy and his mother is listening from the kitchen when she hears the train come to a stop and her little boy says,

"Right all you assholes that are getting off the train Get Off, and all you assholes that are getting on Get On"

The shocked mother goes into the lounge and says to the boy, " Go to your room and don't come out until you can talk nicely "

Two hours later the little boy comes out from his room and begins to play again .This time when the train stops the mother hears the little boy say,

"For all those that are disembarking we would like to wish you a pleasant onward journey"

"And for all those embarking this service we do hope you enjoy your trip with us today"

Upon hearing this the mother begins to smile, that is until she hears the little boy add,

"And for all passengers that are ****ed off with the two hour delay, please address your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[AudiBMWGuy]

Three balloons lived in a house, Daddy, Mummy and Baby Balloon

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon, "look son, your too old to be sleeping in our bed anymore, you have to sleep in your own bed", baby balloon says, "I like sleeping with you and Mummy though" "Your not sleeping with us and thats final! " responds Daddy balloon.

Anyway, that night baby balloon wakes up and feeling a bit scared as its dark and creepy decides to climb in with Mummy and Daddy balloons. he tries to snuggle in between them but there just isn't room. Thinking hard for a minute, he gently unties daddy balloons knot and releases a little bit of air. Trying again he still can't get in between them so turning to Mummy Balloon he does the same again. This time he can nearly but not quite make it so he unties his own knot and releases a bit of his own air. Hooray! he fits and snuggles in and falls asleep.

Anyway, morning comes and they wake up. Daddy bear is livid! He takes baby Balloon aside and says, "Son, I'm really disappointed in you. You've let me down, you've let your Mummy down but worst of all, you've let yourself down!!!!"

[Wynonie Harris]

Originally Posted by AudiBMWGuy

Anyway, morning comes and they wake up. Daddy bear is livid!

Where did bears come into it?

[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by Wynonie Harris

Where did bears come into it?

A dimensional door opened up & the Bear was drawn through the vortex to maintain the "3's" integrity within the joke.

That or he just got it mixed up.

[MargaretR]

A patient is at her doctor’s office after undergoing a physical examination. The doctor says, ‘I have some very grave news. You have only six months to live.’ ‘What can I do?’ cries the patient. The doctor replies, ‘Marry an accountant.’ ‘Will that make my life longer?’ asks the patient. ‘No,’ says the doctor. ‘But it will seem longer.’

Man Walks Into A Joke: The best Accountant jokes

[AudiBMWGuy]

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," the man replies. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the wife's funeral."

[AudiBMWGuy]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[AudiBMWGuy]

A German goes to a library asking for a book on war

The librarian says "Go away you lost the last two!"