Joke Of The Day

[EllieBootGirl]

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I
guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her
operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from
a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got
Male'

[EllieBootGirl]

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black
man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him,
"What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his
name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your
name?"
I can't tell you my name because you will ! ;laugh at me." says the
black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is "Snow!" the black man replies. And the lady bursts
into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I
had 10 inches of snow everyday in Jamaica!"

[EllieBootGirl]

A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They
should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite
Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will
be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. And one last point:
No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four
handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes
mistakes."

[EllieBootGirl]

My son asked me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop, they were $70.
"Nuts to this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

[EllieBootGirl]

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[EllieBootGirl]

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

[EllieBootGirl]

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby, but he was born without ears. Mum and Dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention it’s ears or he would get a spanking.

Johnny looked in the cot and said “What a lovely baby, lovely feet, hands and skin. Hows his eyesight?”

The baby’s mother replied “it’s perfect”.

Johnny says “ That’s great he’d be in real trouble if he needed glasses!!”

[Sunflower49]

Q)What did pink panther say, when he stepped on an ant?
A) Dead Ant, Dead Ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant....

(I'll get my coat)...

[Tealeaf]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.

“Inshallah.”

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......"

They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

[Eric]

I was in a pub on Saturday nite. I'd had a few, of course, and I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had accents; so, I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them said, in a loud voice, "It's WALES you IDIOT!" So immediately I apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

[Eric]

A couple of redneck hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing. His eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy whipped out his cell phone and dialed 911. He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said in a calm, soothing voice, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he is dead." There was silence, then a gun shot. The guy came back on the line and said, "Okay, now what?"

[claytonx]

A manwas riding on a bus,minding his own business,when the woman sat next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it,so she said,

"Come on,eat it all up or...I'll have to give it to this nice man her."

Five minutes later,the baby was still not feeding,so she said,

"Come on ,honey.
Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later,the anxious man blurted out,

"Come on ,kid. Make up your mind
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[claytonx]

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."

"When your Dad is mad and asks you,'Do I look stupid?'dom't answer."

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."

"Stay away from prunes."

"Never pee on an electric fence."

"When your Mom is mad at your Dad,don't let her brush your hair."

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time."

"You cannot hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."

"If you want a kitten,start asking for a horse."

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a cricket bat."

"Never try to baptize a cat."










2

[claytonx]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,and chest.
After a few minutes,Larry asked,"Dad,why are you doing that?"
His father replied," Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry,looking worried,said,"Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom......"

[Royboy39]

John (The) Lord Prescott has lost in Humberside.