Joke Of The Day

[Sparkologist]

Plaisanterie du jour. That's French, that is... Joke of the Day


A blond and a brunette were walking down the street one day and pass a flower shop.

The brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, 'Oh c**p…my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason.'

The blond looks quizzically at her and says, 'Don’t you like getting flowers?'

The brunette says, 'Yes, sure…but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, but I don’t fancy spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'

The blond replied, 'Don’t you have a vase?'




Same rules apply, If it makes you laff, gimme medal, gimme medal... If it offends, run and tell yer mam.

[Len]

EVER WONDER where we are headed...


Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?


Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do a "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?


Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?

Who actually tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?


Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?
AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(The shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)


On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).


On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)


On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)


On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".


On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[Pingu]

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!

[Sparkologist]

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'Give me two single whiskies, please.'

'Sure,' the barman replies, 'Do you want them one at a time or both now?'
'Oh, both now,' answers the drinker, 'one for me and one for my little friend here,' and with that he pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The bartender looked in amazement at the little guy and asked, 'Can he drink?'
'Sure,' replied the man, and with that, the little guy downed the whiskey.
'That's amazing,' said the barman. 'What else can he do? Can he walk?'
The drinker tosses a coin down the other end of the bar and asks his friend to go and return it. Sure enough, the little guy runs down the bar, picks up the coin and jogs back.
'That really is amazing! Can he talk? asked the barman.
'Of course,' said the drinker. 'Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa, and you called that witchdoctor a wa****...'

[Pingu]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

[lettie]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, "Please be gentle;

I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?

Well, husband 1 was an Architect; he kept on telling me how great it was
going to be.

Husband 2 was a Computer Manager; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was a Services Consultant; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was a Project Manager; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deleiver.

Husband 5 was a Structural Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was .God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, "I'm so excited!"

"Good" said the husband, "but, Why?

"You're an Estate Agent. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get scr**ed!"

[janet]

Really good jokes, keep them coming.

[Sparkologist]

Two sisters, one blond one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from reprocessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes the last $600 out of their bank account and heads off west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Before leaving, she tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’

The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides that she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here so that we can haul it home.’

The telegraph operator says that he is glad to help, then adds, ‘It is only 99 cents a word.’

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only has $1 left. She realises that she will only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a minute, she nods, and says, ‘I want you to say the word ‘comfortable’.’

The operator shakes his head and says, ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck, and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you send her the word ‘comfortable’?’

The brunette explains, ‘She’s blond, she’ll read it very slowly!’

[Len]

I couldn't miss this opportunity

Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't

forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the

top of your list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive

823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 Miss

Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos,20,198

who enjoy multiple orgasms, and 40,198 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited,

and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all,

your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come

back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his

friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he

sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the

accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international

supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend

moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the

chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above

me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering

from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities

(that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No

obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like

marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuumcleaner

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they

can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon

undertake.

[Len]

This one might get me in trouble.

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of

the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes

walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of There!" she shouts.

"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky

stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women

have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents

are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,

"You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down

there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no teeth down there."

"Yes there are," he says, "My Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With

that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have

teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries.

She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says,

"LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition

of those gums I'm not surprised!"

[Sparkologist]

[QUOTE=Len]This one might get me in trouble.QUOTE]



Cracking joke, Len... Don't worry about Plod & the mind controllers

[janet]

Excellent joke len, even Mr Plodd will like that one.

[ellie]

good joke Len, really made me giggle

[Sparkologist]

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to another drinker. He immediately notices that the drinker has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first man says, 'Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it from?'
The drinker replied, 'I was granted one wish by a genie in this bottle.'
'Great, can I have a go?' the man asks.
'Sure,' said the drinker. So the man grabs the bottle and starts to rub it furiously, and lo behold, a genie appears.
'You are granted one wish!' commands the genie.
'The man says, ' I want a million bucks.'
'Done,' says the genie, and disappears. A few minutes go by then suddenly the bar room door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling over one another through the bar room door.
'I can't believe this,' said the man who had just made the wish. ' I asked for a milion bucks, not a million ducks.'
The drinker looked at him and said, 'Do you really think I asked for a Twelve Inch Bic?'

[Len]

Nice one.... lol