Joke Of The Day

[cashman]

Originally Posted by Royboy39

John (The) Lord Prescott has lost in Humberside.

Probably cos yeh moved again.

[flashman]

Some US states recently legalised gay marriage and marijuana on the same day.
Leviticus 20:13 – “if a man lays with another man, as with a woman, he should be stoned.”
It all makes sense now. We’ve just been interpreting it wrong.

[claytonx]

A man came to visit his grandparents,and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt,with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa,what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,'Well.....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

[DtheP47]

I called the RSPCA today and said "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs"
"That's terrible", she replied, "are they moving?"
"I'm not sure to be honest", I said, "But that would explain the suitcase"

[claytonx]

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork,from London
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000 a year.

Whe they arrived in Cork they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said 39 Euros.

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here as it cost £2000 in England!
The agent turned to his computer screen to the couple and said,'Well, here it is on the screen,it says;
Any wooden structure,with a sprinkler system over it, is 39 Euros

Always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

[DtheP47]

According to the Mayan Calendar the world ends today.... but if you stand next to Sir Alex Ferguson you'll get an extra 10 minutes.

[Retlaw]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[DtheP47]

How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Change ??"

[DtheP47]

My racing snail has been a little slow of late so I took his shell off to improve his aerodynamics.
It hasn't really worked though
If anything he's a little sluggish !

[claytonx]

A few from the late Frank Carson.
The grim reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Mate of mine recently admitted to be

[claytonx]

Will try again using the key board.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him he reckoned he could stop at any time.

Statistically six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up.

The wife has been missing for a week now. Police said prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[DaveinGermany]

Him - fancy a bit of how's yer father tonight ?

Her - we can't, it's lent.

Him - Well get over there & tell' em you want it back !

[dotti34]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."


Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.


She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.


She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........

[claytonx]

A few more from Frank Carson (its the way I tell um ) to make you smile

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself.they've lost the plot.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe "that 2.30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[Retlaw]

NORTHERNERS

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God,

'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,

'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked,

'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England , the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people of Lancashire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,

'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
God replied very wisely,
'Wait till you see the bunch of T**sers I'm putting in Yorkshire !'