Joke Of The Day - Page 121

DtheP47 · 27-02-2013, 20:01

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A store customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish Sausage?"
The check out girl asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The girl says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The girl replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

talentedbutslow · 01-03-2013, 08:03

He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards,forward, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the

small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the flamin’ car! You do it...YOU SMUG BASTARD !"

dotti34 · 02-03-2013, 21:58

The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.  

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.   

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.   

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.   

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.   

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.   

Women blink twice as often as men.   

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.  

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.  

Women  will be finished reading this by now.

Men  are still busy checking their thumbs. 

david1 · 12-03-2013, 18:32

What do you buy a man that has two left feet ?

A pair of flip flips .

Retlaw · 22-03-2013, 15:04

A mate of mine had his left side completely cut off. He’s alright now!

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in conversation.

I know a policewoman who carries a taser, boy is she a stunner!

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.

The butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.

I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

There was a huge fire at the circus, the heat was in tents.

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

DtheP47 · 26-03-2013, 08:34

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a Tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"

Sunflower49 · 26-03-2013, 11:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by DtheP47

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a Tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us"

I actually really like that one! Not heard it before.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.

2 blondes were taking a test.
Blonde 1. 'What did Old MacDonald have?'
Blonde 2. (After a bit of a think) 'A farm'.
Blonde 1. (Also after a bit of a think) 'How do you spell that?'
Blonde 2. (After an even longer think) 'E-I-E-I-O'

A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walked into a pub, and the landlord says "Is this some kind of Joke?"

A skeleton walks into a pub, the landlord ask's him what he would like, to which he replies "A pint of lager and a mop"

What do you call a fly with no wings ?

A Walk.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: A Fsh.

Man walks into the doctors and says "doctor I think I'm a moth", the doctor replies "you should really see a psychiatrist about your problem", to which the man says "well I was on my way there when I saw your light on".

Okay that's enough!

DtheP47 · 26-03-2013, 11:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarmouse0707

I actually really like that one! Not heard it before.

Okay that's enough!

Here's another "yarksheer one"
Though it could be cashy...

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet,

he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to

remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft sod, I want it chewin' a bone!"

gpick24 · 26-03-2013, 11:37

Scouse kid says to her mother: "Mam, why are your hands so soft?" Mother says: "coz am only 12!"

gpick24 · 27-03-2013, 11:36

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

DaveinGermany · 27-03-2013, 12:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by gpick24

Scouse kid says to her mother: "Mam, why are your hands so soft?" Mother says: "coz am only 12!"

Typical that ! Go on, pick on the Scousers ! I don't know, you Woollies have got some proper neck !

gpick24 · 27-03-2013, 13:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany

Typical that ! Go on, pick on the Scousers ! I don't know, you Woollies have got some proper neck !

HaHa, haven`t been called a woolieback for years.

gpick24 · 27-03-2013, 13:17

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

DaveinGermany · 27-03-2013, 13:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by gpick24

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

Yeah, yeah, stereotypical typecasting ! (Plus I've heard it before, just waiting for the one about Jesus in the bar getting Pints & shaking hands, no doubt someone will have a dig.)

gpick24 · 27-03-2013, 13:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaveinGermany

Yeah, yeah, stereotypical typecasting ! (Plus I've heard it before, just waiting for the one about Jesus in the bar getting Pints & shaking hands, no doubt someone will have a dig.)

Oldie but goldie as they say.