Joke Of The Day

[flashman]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all
kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear
but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...
Just stick out your tongue!"


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[Retlaw]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD...
FROM THE " SAVANNAH TRIBUNE"
NEWSPAPER PLACED IN DECEMBER 2009........

This is too funny not to pass on....enjoy

To the Guy Who Tried To Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded, I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you , but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not
be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[DtheP47]

A man asked the ringmaster “What do you have to do to be a lion-tamer? He said “All you have to do is get into the cage with that big ferocious lion and if the lion takes a pace forward, just take a pace back. If the lion takes another pace forward, just take another pace back. If you are at the back of the cage and the big ferocious lion takes a pace forward just bend down and pick up some manure and throw it in the lion’s face.” The man said “What if there’s no manure” The ringmaster said “Don’t you worry there will be”

[dotti34]

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

[Retlaw]

Veet for Men
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

[Eric]

A guy phones his lawyer's office, and the lawyer's secretary informs him: "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day he phones again, and again asks for his lawyer only to receive the same reply. And on the following day he phones again. This time the secretary, getting a little p. o'd, says, "Sir, I told you twice already that your lawyer died last week." Guy replies, "I know that; I just like hearing it."

[dotti34]

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[dotti34]

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough."

[Eric]

A woman agreed to dog sit her neighbour's male German Shepherd dog even though her own dog was in heat. She reasoned that in a house as large as hers, and with a securely fenced yard she could keep the two apart. Mistake. During the night she awoke to discover that the two lovers had got together ... in fact they were stuck together. She could do nothing to untangle them; so, she phoned her vet. The vet, grumpy, tired and more that a little angry at being called at 3:00 am, suggested that she hang up her phone, the place the phone near the dogs. The vet said that he would phone back, and that the sound of the phone ringing would cause the male dog to lose his errection and the dogs would part. "Are you sure this would work," asked the woman? "It just worked for me" the vet responded.

[dotti34]

An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

[flashman]

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son,
14-year-old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the
local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba
introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his
indoctrination to sex." The madam says, "Bubba, you've been such a good
customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she
completes his deflowering. Later, as they are walking downstairs the
madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you
get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a
manicure, too."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam
on the town's main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the
madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?" "Yes,
ma'am," the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and
then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

[Geoff]

A man rang the emergency services and said that he thought his wife was dead. The operator ask him what made him think she was dead. He replied that the sex was the same but the ironing was piling up.

[flashman]

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Geoff]

An eighty four year old lady was so distraught at losing her husband that she wanted to die. So holding a revolver to her breast she pulled the trigger. Later that same evening she was admitted to the accident and emergency department with gunshot wounds to her knee.

[DtheP47]

I was walking through Mercer Park, Clayton really late last night when I heard the playing of phantom pan pipes.

I think it was "ghost buskers"