Joke Of The Day

[Mick]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Aussie Irene]

THE ESTATE.

Morris Swartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, daughter,
and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them.

"Bernie, i want you to take the Beverley Hills houses"

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza".

"Hymie, i want you to take over the offices in the city centre".

" Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings down town"

The nurse is blown away with all this, and as Morris slips away, says to his wife, " Mrs Swartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to accumulate all this property".

Sarah replies " property my ass... the schmuck had a milk round".

[Alan Varrechia]

A Mancunian and a Scouser go into Greggs the baker's. The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Mancunian, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me."
The Mancunian says, "That's **** all mate, watch this."

So the Mancunian goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gimme a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.
...
The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?"

The Mancunian says, "Go and check that scouser's pocket."

[Eric]

David Cameron walks into a bar with a toad on his head .... "OMG," says the bartender, "What happened?"

"I've no idea," replied the toad. "It started out as a wart on my ass."

[Retlaw]

Spotted this on Face Book. Who did he miss out.

[Alan Varrechia]

My neighbour just banged on my door and shouted "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident down the road and David Cameron has been run over. He is in a terrible state and he won't make it unless help gets here soon."

I said "Whats wrong with your own phone?"

He said "The cameras **** on mine."

[dotti34]

If you love something set it free. If it comes back it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back it was never yours to begin with. BUT, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realise that you had set it free….you either married it or gave birth to it.

[dotti34]

Reason to smile:
Every 7 minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

[dotti34]

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW Golf!! 
Doing 110kph

with her face up next to her 
rear-view mirror, 

putting on her eyeliner! 

I looked away 
for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was 
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup. 



As a man, 
I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped
my electric shaver, 
which knocked 
the meat pie
out of my other hand. 

In all the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone

away from my ear, and then this fell into the coffee 
between my legs, which splashed 

and burned 

"Big Jim and the Twins",

ruined the phone, 

soaked my trousers, and disconnected an

important call. 



BLOODY Women Drivers!!

[dotti34]

A few Irish jokes – with apologies to the Irish.

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband.

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.



Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

[dotti34]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years. Clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is."

[Hill Walker]

(From elsewhere on the net - but worth another airing)

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has b...ecome wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

[Mick]

Here is one for all you fitness fanatics

[dotti34]

Irish Humor.....

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. 

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter side down. 



He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. 

He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. 

He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.



He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. 

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here.. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.” 
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.” 

 “Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”



An investigation of some rigor is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but also by scientists sent from the Archbishop in Dublin .
The final ruling is negative, however, it read:


“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any miraculous happening, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle, for it possibly resulted from Murphy having buttered the toast on the wrong side”

[dotti34]

Wisdom I am happy to pass on…….Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you all because it definitely worked for me today, and I know we could all probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and haven’t yet finished.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu freel ar in ned ov inanrr piussss. An telum,u blody luvum.!!
Hav a lubly day oK