Joke Of The Day - Page 129

dotti34 · 21-01-2014, 20:40

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

dotti34 · 21-01-2014, 20:40

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Eric · 22-01-2014, 00:26

A Newfie and his wife weresitting at home watching hockey on t.v. when, suddenly, his wife clutched her chest and slid to the floor. The Newf dialed 911 and told the operator that he needed an ambulance. The operator asked him for his address. He told her, "876 Tyendenaga Avenue."

"Could you spell that for me?" the operator asked. After a long silence, the Newfie said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St., and you can pick her up there."

dotti34 · 22-01-2014, 09:04

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.   The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.   The man went back to his reading.   
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.  Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.   Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"  
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm”. The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"  

The woman nodded, "Pepper".

Eric · 22-01-2014, 14:25

Out on the backroads of Newfoundland, Bill rolled his truck. He was so badly mangled and burned that the coroner needed help identifying the body. As Bill had no family, he called in Bill's best friends, Charlie and Fred. Charlie looked at the body and said he wasn't sure. He asked the coroner to roll him over; Charlie looked and said, "Nah this ain't the bye." Same thing with Fred. Curious the coroner asked why they wanted to view the body from the back. Charlie and Fred both said that it couldn't be Bill 'cause Bill had two assholes. "Really", said the coroner. "For sure", said Fred. "Everytime we came into town for a beer, folks would say 'Here comes Bill with them two assholes.' "

Eric · 24-01-2014, 17:49

A Newfie was walking along the beach near Come by Chance, looking for empties so that he could return them and buy more beer. He picked up an old brown stubby and, low and behold, out popped a genie who proceded to offer him three wishes. "I'll have me a bottle of beer that is never empty" says the bye from rock. A bottle full of the coldest, best tasting beer he had ever drunk appeared in his hand ... he drained it; and, sure enough, it filled again. Once more, he drained it. And again. The genie, getting a little impatient, reminded him he still had two wishes left. "No problem," said the Newf, emptying the bottle yet again; "I'll have me two more of these".

Aussie Irene · 25-01-2014, 06:49

FREE MEAT
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby boy in her arms, entered his butchers shop and confronted him with the news, that the baby was his, and what was he going to do about it? Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat, until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into his shop and said "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and see the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother what the butcher had said.
The woman nodded and said "Son, go back to the butcher, and tell him i have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the last 16 years, and watch the expression on his face."

Eric · 31-01-2014, 17:03

Breaking news: A skelton was discovered in a tree in Come By Chance, Newfoundland. DNA testing revealed that the remains were those of the All Newfoundland Hide and Go Seek champion of 1933.

Accyexplorer · 02-02-2014, 02:14

A couple were out Xmas shopping,The shopping center was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to notice the husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do hence,She became so worried she called him on her mobile to ask where he was.The husband answered an said in a quite voice "Do yo remember that Jewelers we went into about 6yrs ago,where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford,And i told you i'd get it you 1day?
The wifed choked up and started to cry. "Y YES" she replied "I remember"
The husband said "WELL I'M IN THE PUB NEXT DOOR"

Who said us fellas don't remember

Retlaw · 08-02-2014, 20:26

Sat Nav
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the ****** off.

dotti34 · 09-02-2014, 04:23

Correct grammar.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager ! to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

dotti34 · 11-02-2014, 20:50

Little known fact

An interesting but little known fact..
The first testicular guard (“box”) was used in cricket in 1874
And the first cricket safety helmet was used in 1974.

Which means.....

It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains may also be important!

Mick · 11-02-2014, 21:57

No it ment by 1874 men HAD protected there brains

Aussie Irene · 12-02-2014, 03:32

Nearing The End

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the lady replied.
" I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."

dotti34 · 27-02-2014, 20:59

A man received the following message on his phone:

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again".

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife”."