Joke Of The Day - Page 130

Aussie Irene · 28-02-2014, 01:46

TELEPHONE SURVEY

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-
"Please would you give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world".

*The survey was a complete failure because:*

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "HONEST" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "SHORTAGE" meant.
In Africa, they didn't know what "FOOD" meant.
In China, they didn't know what "OPINION" meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what "SOLUTION" meant.
In South America, they didn't know what "PLEASE" meant.
In USA, they didn't know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" meant.
And in Britain, Australia and New Zealand, everyone hung up as soon as they heard the "Indian Accent"

DtheP47 · 03-03-2014, 12:35

A Welshman walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "Excuse me I wasn't talking to you."

yerself · 04-03-2014, 18:11

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said,
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

dotti34 · 05-03-2014, 21:35

THE CREATION
 A little girl asked her Mother, "How did the human race appear Mum?" The Mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and those children grew and had children
and eventually so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her Father the same question. The Father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys and apes from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her Mother and said, "Mum, how is it possible that you
told me the human race was created by God making Adam and Eve, and Dad said
we developed from monkeys and apes?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple; I told you about my side of the
family and your father told you about his."

dotti34 · 09-03-2014, 22:37

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

DtheP47 · 10-03-2014, 10:12

Quiz question tha't got to be mulled over.

Whats the country situated between Romania and the Ukraine?

Studio25 · 25-03-2014, 22:44

As the storm raged the, captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, l know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we’re one short."

Aussie Irene · 28-03-2014, 13:38

TIGER WOODS IN IRELAND

On a golf tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware who the golfing pro is.

" Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What be those?" asks the attendant.

" They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on gods earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Jaysus" says the Irishman, " Mercedes think of everything".

Aussie Irene · 04-04-2014, 01:44

Crutches Anyone??

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water, splashes some on both legs, then throws away both his crutches

An alter boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he had just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle, tell me, where is he now".

The alter boy replies, "Flat on his arse father, over by the holy water".

Aussie Irene · 07-04-2014, 11:28

A Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lass".

She replied "Och Jock, that's nice, are you taking me to the pub with you?"

"Nae, Jock replied, i'm switching the central heating off while i'm oot".