Joke Of The Day

[DtheP47]

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

[Aussie Irene]

DONATIONS

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam outside the Houses of Parliament in London.

A man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, " What's going on."

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MPs during a sitting of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

" How much is everyone giving on average?" the driver asks.

The man replied, " Roughly four litres."

[Jim Procter]

Old lady getting married for the umpteenth time says to her toyboy husband.You will have to wear a condom when you make love to me darling.You got to be joking love says the new husband, how will you get pregnant at your age? The old lady replies, I love the smell of burning rubber!!!

[flashman]

IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying full wages to his help
so sent an auditor to investigate.

AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you
pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been
with me for 3 years.

I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work
around here.

He makes about $10 a week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a
bottle of Coruba rum and a dozen lagers on Saturday nights so he can
cope with life.

He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally
challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'd be me then.

[dotti34]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands”. "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He looks around and then drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Accyexplorer]

I have kleptomania.....


....When it gets bad, I have to take something for it.

[flashman]

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, tis a nice bar, but where I come from,
back in Edinburgh, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink,
ye buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, datsa nice bar, but where I comma from,
dere's a better one. Inna Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's. At
Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda
drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like
a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "And you think that's great? Where Oi come from
in Dublin, there's this wee pub called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy
you your forst drink, they boy you your second drink, they boy you your
tird drink and then they take you in back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
you?"

"No," says the Irish guy, "The truth is it happen to me wife!

[Aussie Irene]

MISSING WIFE

A husband went to the police station to file a "Missing person report" for his missing wife:
HUSBAND:- Iv'e lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.
INSPECTOR:- What is her height?.
HUSBAND:- I never really checked.
INSPECTOR:- Slim or healthy?.
HUSBAND:- Slim, but not healthy.
INSPECTOR:- Colour of her eyes?.
HUSBAND:- Never took much notice.
INSPECTOR:- Colour of hair?.
HUSBAND:- Changes according to season.
INSPECTOR:- What was she wearing?,
HUSBAND:- Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.
INSPECTOR:- Was she driving?.
HUSBAND:-Yes.
INSPECTOR:- What is the number, name and colour of the car?........
HUSBAND:- Black Audi 8, with superchared 3.0 litre engine,
generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights,
which use light emitting diodes for all light functions, and has a very thin light scratch on the left door..... He then started to cry.
INSPECTOR:- Don't worry sir,..........we will find your car.

[dotti34]


In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

[Accyexplorer]

It's a ten minute walk from my house to the pub.

Strangely, it's a half hour walk from the pub to my house

[dotti34]

FIRST THE APPLE

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police


Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn!!

[dotti34]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'b***** off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[Accyexplorer]

My mate Sid was recently a victim of ID theft.... He's just called S now.

[dotti34]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. It's because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay the hell out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh** sitting on your knee'.

[Accyexplorer]

I just saw a lovely owd dear doing a tribute to the England team....

.....She got off the bus looking a bit confused, then got back on and went home.