Joke Of The Day - Page 132

Hill Walker · 09-08-2014, 10:34

The European Commision have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this
will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped
in favour of the "k". This shold klear up konfusion and keyboards
kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and they should go away.

By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan
be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer!

cashman · 09-08-2014, 12:09

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his Legal Team @ hired Celtics, after he discovered they lost both legs and still won.

gpick24 · 19-08-2014, 19:53

This made me chuckle...

yerself · 23-08-2014, 11:35

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she
was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone
to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

Accyexplorer · 23-08-2014, 12:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by yerself

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she
was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone
to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

"It's a cracker"....may I draw your attention to post #1929

yerself · 23-08-2014, 13:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Accyexplorer

"It's a cracker"....may I draw your attention to post #1929

Our works email system must be behind yours.

Eric · 23-08-2014, 18:57

Political Incorrectness coming up, eh.

There's this butt ugly, fat broad shopping in Walmart ... go figure, eh ... and the BO! One day she was walking down the street and a crow, munching on a fresh, dead skunk was down wind of her armpits ... the poor bird flew away, gagging.

Anyway, she had two obnoxious brats with her ... a toddler, and a baby in her arms. Buddy walks up to her (holding his nose) and asks: "Excuse me, madam. Are those children twins?"

"Are you kiddin?", she responded, spitting out bits of Doritos as she spoke. "One's four ... and the other three months."

"Amazing," said the dude. "I would never have thought that you had been laid twice."

Michael1954 · 05-09-2014, 11:33

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

Aussie Irene · 06-09-2014, 08:47

IRISH EXPLANATION.

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy, in a steaming rage, and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! i'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife, your daughter, telling her i was comming home today from my fishing trip. I get home.... and guess what i found?.
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!. This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done, i'm leaving forever!"

" Ah calm down, calm down, Paddy!'' says his mother-in-law.
There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go to speak to her immediately, and find out what happened".

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile on her face.

"Paddy, i told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your email !"

DtheP47 · 10-09-2014, 14:04

Should Scotland vote Yes for Independance seems they will have to use a temporary currency until they join the EU.

Tennants and Heroin should do the trick.

Accyexplorer · 10-09-2014, 18:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by DtheP47

Should Scotland vote Yes for Independance seems they will have to use a temporary currency until they join the EU.

Tennants and Heroin should do the trick.

The Government has warned that if Scotland votes for independence, they may not be allowed to keep the Pound.
image.jpg

I knew there wasn't much money up North D, but heroin and tennants

,
I suppose they could always fall back on Tunnock's Teacakes

Aussie Irene · 12-09-2014, 03:12

AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN.

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man, if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and he has had no experience with any woman.

She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other. So, they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing naked in the middle of the room. All the furniture is piled into the corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says,
"But if it is anything like a Kangaroo, i am gonna need all the room i can get!".

Accyexplorer · 04-10-2014, 06:56

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he could of done with a second coat.

flashman · 04-10-2014, 13:05

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what? probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the Minister under the bed."

flashman · 17-10-2014, 13:17

Gun Control has already started at Bass Pro Shops Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets
at my local Bass Pro Shop, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control
wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found
out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in
the card reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still do not think I looked that bad.