Joke Of The Day

[Accyexplorer]

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog in a front garden,the dog was licking his bits.

One guy turns to his mate and says, "Man, I wish I could do that".

His mate says, "Don't you think you ought to at least pet him first?"

[DtheP47]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to the manager about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for us seniors.

I hate this getting older stuff.....!!!!!

[Gordon Booth]

That joke looks familiar!
Oh yes, see post 1980.
Pay attention, DtheP!

[DtheP47]

Originally Posted by Gordon Booth

That joke looks familiar!
Oh yes, see post 1980.
Pay attention, DtheP!

Cheers Gordon

Not much gets past you eh?

I am suitable admonished.

[maxthecollie]

Originally Posted by DtheP47

Cheers Gordon

Not much gets past you eh?

I am suitable admonished.

Senior Moments?

[Gordon Booth]

Originally Posted by DtheP47

Cheers Gordon

Not much gets past you eh?

I am suitable admonished.

Just evening the score! Not much gets past you either.

[DtheP47]

Originally Posted by maxthecollie

Senior Moments?

[Gordon Booth]

A married couple were asleep in bed when ,at 2 am, the phone rang.
The wife picked it up, listened for a moment then said 'How should I know? It's 200 miles from here' and hung up.
The husband said 'Who was that?'
The wife replied 'I don't know, some silly woman asking if the coast was clear'.

[Gordon Booth]

The French Government has banned Euro Disney from having firework displays any more.
After a display last week the nearby French Army Garrison of 5000 surrendered to a passing coachload of Czech tourists.

War without France would be like......World War II.

[DtheP47]

**Breaking News**
The inventor of Predictive Text has died.

His funfair will be hello on a sundial.

[Aussie Irene]

The phone rings,
"Hello," "Mrs Sanders please," "Speaking".
"Mrs Sanders, this is Dr Jones at the St Agnes Laboratory.
When your husbands doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr Sanders arrived as well".
"We are now uncertain which belongs to your husband, frankly, either way the results are not too good".
"What do you mean?" Mrs Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive to Alzheimers, and the other one tested positive to HIV. We can't tell which belongs to your husband".
"That's dreadful, can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders.
"Normally we can, but NHS will only pay for this expensive test once"
"Well, what am i supposed to do now?" asks Mrs Sanders.

"The NHS help desk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home don't sleep with him".

[dotti34]

(Apologies to al the blonde ladies).

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!". I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more.".. I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins". Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
"That was the easy part. I went to Aldi and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

[dotti34]

I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today. I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my frigging car had been stolen.

[dotti34]

Problem solved.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
 Outside the store he realised he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. 


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
 She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
 The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.



On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time.'
 The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
 The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' 
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens’

[DtheP47]

Bumped into an old mate last night.
"Bloody Hell you have lost weight" says I
"Yeah the pounds have been dropping off me since the wife left me" say he.
"Missing her home cooking then?" say I
"Naah" says he " I just keep skipping everywhere!"