Joke Of The Day

[Alan Varrechia]

As it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one :
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[dotti34]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had a similar string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[dotti34]

(Sorry if this offends anyone)

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey." "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" 


[Accyexplorer]

The teacher called little Johnny to her desk and said, "The essay you wrote about your pet dog is word-for-word the same as your brother's. What do you have to say for yourself?"


"Of course it is!" said little Johnny. "It's the same ruddy dog".

[flashman]

Hello, is this the Police Office?

Yes. What can I do for you?'

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy… He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's hidin' it there.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.'



The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They sneer at Jack and leave.



Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd…. Did the Police come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep!

Happy Birthday, buddy!

[MargaretR]

Ironically true -

Today Prince Andrew has been promoted to vice admiral in the navy.

I find this amusing - hence 'joke of the day'

[dotti34]

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

 An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.



'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

 Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked ‘And how many have you caught?'



'You're the eighth.'

[talentedbutslow]

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo.. I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.

I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head

to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda!

All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm.

Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation

in my legs and neck to finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those

two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."

Then sheHeaded for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said,

"Oh, youFussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl,

"maintenance menExtraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life

and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked,

to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.

Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said "Oh I am sooo sorry!

The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."


The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

[dotti34]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of he tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[dotti34]

The first testicular guard, the ‘Cup’, was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important.

[DaveinGermany]

Originally Posted by dotti34

That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important.

What are you on about woman? According to your comment blokes have been protecting their brains since 1874!

[dotti34]

Ha ha - you said it, DaveinGermany, not me....

[dotti34]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[dotti34]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

[Retlaw]

Fifty Shades of Grey by Pam Ayres.

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Ethel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Ethel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!

Now if you knew our Ethel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.